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BGC becoming strict in all companies these days
Mentor
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Happy Diwali Everyone 🙂
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Don’t make any final decisions with a newborn around. The first year can be a total nightmare. It’s ok to be thinking ahead somewhat (and spouse needs to get a job ASAP or they’re going to be the SAHP by default and you may have custody problems at that point), but this is not the time to add a divorce to the mix.
Also, one week on/one week off with an infant/toddler is wild - I cannot imagine how that would work. Littles do best with clear routines and consistent caregivers, and you’re talking about flipping kid’s life and caregiver set-up upside down every single week? Maybe some kids would be ok, but I feel like that could cause serious attachment problems for a kid that small.
All of this. Having a kid is a mindwarp, especially until they sleep solid nights. You need to hire help ASAP like a nanny or at least a babysitter or even a night nurse. I had
No idea how bad we needed it until they day we paid up. Use that money to give yourself a chance. You are definitionally not in your right emotional mind.
Mentor
You've received some solid advice already but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It must be incredibly stressful.
Mentor
Parental leave - is this a newborn kid? Have you already exhausted marriage counseling from a licensed therapist? You're in the middle of a really difficult time that strains almost every relationship.
If you are past the point of no return, you should direct these questions to your divorce attorney, who would hopefully have the expertise and resources to give you some tips here. I sure don't.
Can y’all work it out? Attend counseling? My parents are both divorce attorneys and I know from their experiences that it’s better to stick it out if you can (with some exceptions, including spousal abuse). Otherwise, you are kneecapping your kid’s future. Also, you stand to lose a lot of money and even an amicable divorce typically ends to long, drawn out,
and more expensive than you would think. As for custody, it depends on the state. Where are you located?
Agree wholeheartedly with A1. Had my first kid about a year and a half ago. My spouse and I were on the brink of divorce several times during the first 6 months after the birth. We got past the rough patch and we’re better now, albeit not the same as earlier in the marriage.
It may just be the stress of the new child, or OP and their spouse may be truly irreconcilable. But they owe it to themselves to try and get past this rocky point.
Coach
Have you talked to a divorce attorney in your state? The alimony may very well be keyed to your current income and it could be very difficult to adjust going forward. Even if you’re not planning to get divorced, you should understand the basics of family law in your jurisdiction to protect yourself. A few hundred dollars now can save you hundreds of thousands and a lot of heartache in the future.
I was about to post to say something similar. If you get separated while working big law with the higher salary this will be the basis for spousal and child support. Voluntarily leaving your job for a much lower paying job doesn’t mean your payments will get adjusted based on the new salary. Get a consultation with a family lawyer because every state is different and what people are saying here may or may not apply to you. Don’t do anything until you talk to a lawyer. I would also say make sure he actually goes back to work before anything. He could end up never working and being a stay at home ex while you support him for the next 18 years, and I’m assuming you wouldn’t want that since you said you want to eventually change jobs to spend more time with your kid.
You’re both likely tired and stressed from the new baby please don’t make any permanent decisions yet. If you feel the same way after you’re rested and level headed then you gotta do what you gotta do.
Thanks all for the advice. All very helpful. To clarify, we’ve been at each other’s throats and on the brink of divorce at every major fight for the last few years. Feel terrible for bringing a kid into this, but that decision was made at a rare time when things were good. I get that it’s awful for the kid to grow up with split parents as a newborn, but I also don’t know how beneficial it is to grow up with parents who hate each other. We’ve tried separate therapy and have decided to get counseling, but I just think based on everything over the last few years we are just fundamentally different people with different views on everything, and every single fight, big or small, ends in insults, someone leaving, and threatening divorce. So plan is to give therapy a shot, but I want to have my ducks in a row if things continue to slide. For years I’ve pushed this problem off because I’ve been so busy with work. I don’t want to end up in a situation where I’m so busy with work again after my leave ends and then I basically lose control of all of this and decide to live in misery forever (and put my kid through that) because it’s convenient.
Mentor
I second what Counsel 1 said. Conflicts, even serious ones, happen in any relationship, but for the conflict to constantly escalate to the level you're describing sounds way out of control. Even if you divorce, you can't be doing that every time an issue comes up around custody or scheduling, otherwise the kid will be just as traumatized as if you never were divorced at all.
Please go to the best marriage/family counselor you two can find and work on this, for everyone's sake.
I assume it is nearly impossible to find live in help on a 1 week on 1 week off basis, but wondering if anyone has had to do this? Also, I’m fine paying alimony in short term until spouse works and also of course would support the child fully until that happens from a financial perspective, but what would happen once I go in house? It would likely be 50% or less of my current income. I assume our respective shares of child support would be adjusted then, but really have no clue how this all works in practice. Any and all advice / experiences are appreciated.
Just throwing in my 2 cents: my parents did 2-2-5-5 when I was growing up, and even in the best possible scenario (my dad moved within our same neighborhood to be close), it was probably the worst part of my parents very contentious divorce. It’s extremely overwhelming and unsettling as a child (or at least was for me, I can’t speak for all kids of divorce obviously) to be moved around that much, especially when you’re school-aged and become responsible for making sure you have everything you need going back and forth every other day. Even if it is a challenge to figure out childcare, I would highly recommend trying to work out a solution with longer stays.
Hold off on the divorce until after (i) the kid is at least a couple of years old and (ii) you’ve already changed jobs to a lower income, if at all possible.
Can’t speak to the actual divorce part but before that what do you mean by brink of divorce. Have you both decided to get divorced already or is this just a hypothetical to see what would happen if?
Have you tried couples therapy and the like? If you haven’t I think that would be a first step before figuring out the post-divorce finances.
Mentor
The first few months of a new baby are tough on any relationship. Try to give counseling/therapy/time a shot.
Be careful with this. I have a friend in this same situation and the family court judge basically forced her to keep her stressful biglaw job and subsidize her worthless husband forever. She is appealing it but she can’t quit or they will penalize her for “voluntary underemployment”. It makes me so angry. Definitely talk to a good divorce lawyer.
As to your question about how to take care of the kid before going in-house, whether in biglaw or in-house, I’d suggest infant daycare everyday (regardless of who has custody) at a pre-K or similar. Depending on where you live it would run around $2k a month. Kid spends 8-12 hours a day there, is a good idea in any event as your kid gets taken care of by pros, plays with other kids, learns stuff (even as a newborn).
As someone in a somewhat similar situation, I have determined to not make major decisions on my marriage during these early infant stages and to go to couples therapy for now. Good luck!
So many comments encouraging you to wait, try to work it out etc, but it’s your life and your decision. You know what you want and need to be happy, so if you want a divorce, then you should absolutely get one.
Tell your husband to get a job, so he can look like he’s able to at least partially support himself. Talk to some lawyers on your own to strategize, but don’t tell him you’re doing so, because then he’ll have no motivation to find work, and his lawyer will tell him not to. (Your lawyer will probably tell you to tell him to find employment ASAP, so this lessens your financial burden for spousal and child support).
Ask your lawyers about custody, financial implications of divorce, etc, not us. This is important stuff, the rules vary by state, and sometimes county. Consult an expert - you deserve the best advice you can get. Good luck, I feel for you.
Bro don’t talk to us non-divorce attorneys. Find a good divorce attorney to discuss your options
Coach
Have you reached out to a divorce attorney in your JX? They’re going to be more helpful than random lawyers from different states/practices
Based on your OP, I’m assuming you are the pregnant parent. I’ve seen situations where a new job has offered 6+ months of maternity leave to a new senior-level employee. Maybe you could look into that.
Coach
This is one of those situations where it makes sense to actually pay a lawyer for their time.
What state are you in?