Need counseling advice. My GF and I are 27 years old. I am on H1B, and she is on CPT without a full time job, her visa expiring in April next year if she doesn’t get a job that sponsors. Her only way to stay in the country is H4 (marriage!!) and that seems to be a deal breaker for me. I think I am too young for that, and need to be in a better state career / visa wise before I settle down. This is taking a toll on our relationship. What do you guys suggest we should do or think about?

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Simple - if you believe she is worth spending time with as your GF, what makes you not want to marry her? Saying you are too young, or need to save more money etc is hogwash. If you care about her and believe she is good for you (and with you), then do the right thing and marry her. Stop being selfish. Life is short. If the tables were turned, would she have married you and sponsored you?

likeuplifting

Thanks for berating me, I probably needed it. But let’s be honest - life is not black and white. Marriage is a huge deal and I can’t rush into it due to external factors. There are multiple considerations you have to take before making such a decision. Her career? Our visa status? All relationship things. I want to feel happy and comfortable in life before I take the plunge, and I feel this is pushing me to do it.

likesmart

Back in 2010, during the middle of a financial crisis, my then girlfriend, now wife (23 years at that time) got a job out of college and I didn’t for a while. Similar to you, we had been dating for an year and were solid. I had an internship which wasn’t paying me and I was struggling to make ends meet. For around 2 months, she supported us (me) financially and was ready to marry me in secret and enable me to continue staying. I got a job 2-3 months later and everything was alright, but just the thought or fact that she was willing to do all these for me was enough. I am reminded about her belief in my potential every time I need inspiration.

Obviously up to you to do your thing, but if you believe in the girl and her potential and her vision, there is no such thing as “too young to commit”. As others have said, if the roles were reversed, ask yourself this - “Would she have done this for me?”

likeuplifting
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OP got busted on his solid relationship 😉

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Missing something here because you say your relationship is solid but you are putting yourself ahead of her. If you want to be with her then you should be thinking about how to make it work. If she is the woman you love and want to spend the rest of your life with then you should focus on what will make the relationship work. Or will you let a stupid thing like a visa get in the way? . Because if you are not ready at 27, you will never be ready. There is no magic switch that you can turn on or a green light that comes on to tell you are ready.

Just as an perspective- I married my wife after dating her for less than a year and we were both 25 at that time. At that time I was in India and she was in the US. Since then we supported each other though grad school and god knows how many more ups and downs. We did not have our lives or our visas figured out at that time.

“Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery” - from The Life’s Little Instruction Book”

If you are getting all twirled up over a visa then let her go. She deserves better.

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Let her go if you don’t want to marry her. If she has until next April, then this will at least give her the chance/time to find someone else.

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Sounds like you’re also exploring the option of marrying a citizen. Let her go please. Also, she might get someone more stable (gc/citizen) than yourself.

likehelpful

I would have parted ways. Your own life in the US is full of struggles and challenges, don't take additional responsibilities. I know this will be unpopular opinion, but that's my 2cents.

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Changing the topic a bit - But I am honestly really considering this - If I have any solid chance of surviving in the US, I have to either 1) Marry a citizen, or 2) Take a foreign posting and come back on L1A. There is literally no other way we can spend the rest of our lives on H1B (I genuinely don’t think the country cap is going away, unless you guys know more). What are you guys thinking?

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MC1, I completely agree. Choosing a life partner is the single most important decision of your adult life. And doing it for materialistic short term reasons is just stupid.

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I am on H1B visa and I understand the challenges that come with it. I hope that my advice can help a bit and I am going to be on point!
1) If she-is-the-one then marry her! Find the answer to this question, since a lifetime worth of happiness or nuisance will depend on it
2) When you feel anxious about a dependent visa, try and quantify her chances of getting a job. How good is she, her credentials, intellect, market situation etc. this will give you some confidence if she can get a job on her own
3) A visa IMO is not a reason for break up although I have seen people break up for less impactful reasons or for no reasons at all. So give visa a low probability in determining if you should marry her or not
4) Plan for the worst case i.e. if she can’t find a job - will you be able to sustain the both of you, is she okay being home, what are her future plans?
5) I know this is a stressful situation but try and empathize with her. While you are thinking of ‘how to manage’ she is fearing for going back to a different country. By no means should that make you feel responsible towards her, or force you into deciding to marry her but it can change the direction of your arguments
Good luck!

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I think you answered your own question in your post. If you feel it’s a deal breaker then the decision is already made.

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Your relationship is not solid, stop lying to yourself. I think you both may need counselling or a little bit of separation to think things through. Let her find a job in a different country and see if you can do long distance for a while. She can always come back on H4 if she wants if you decide to marry. If not, she can continue living her life. Who knows maybe she will enjoy her life elsewhere and you can find someone on a GC/citizenship ☺️

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^ this

How long have y’all dated?

Then like the others said, go for it. 1 Year is a decent enough time. And 27 isn’t too young. Of course, it’s up to you marriage is a big decision, if the only reason for marrying her is the visa, not a good idea. If you love her, marry her

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First things first, intertwining career and personal life decisions is a bad choice. I have seen people make this mistake over and again, and repent 10 years later.

Coming to your situation, if you were to sacrifice (not truly..) one of the two...which one would it be. Yes, you would feel hurt in the short term, in the long term you wouldn’t even think about it..

Just for inspiration, read biographies of Satya Nadella and Sundar Pichai...and how they overcame visa issues of their SO

first question first - did her OPT expire too ?

Yes

Keep yourself aside for a second and ask her what she wants - been on H4 (without EAD) and would NOT recommend to anyone. I know the alternate to that is going back, but from my very humble, but experienced opinion - that is better for her own sake than staying here as a ‘dependent’. That stuff messes up your mind, it did for me. If she goes back, she may benefit a little mentally (keeping all other factors the same). Not advocating anything here, but just giving you another perspective to think from. I was newly married when I transferred to H4, and even though they were the best few years of my life, they were the worst few years of my life. And this, when I knew my EAD had been filed

Yea that’s when you get your EAD. Which is the work authorisation. Without the EAD i.e. on H4 without EAD, you can’t work. You can only do volunteer work.

So you are looking for a marriage of convenience and trying to rationalize in this forum so that you can feel better about moving away from your girlfriend. 😂

What is your point? Are you questioning if this relationship is worth continuing (i.e. your committment issues) or your intent to stay in US?

She should get a job

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