{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Need some advice.. Dad and in-laws had a very awkward Mahr conversation, with MIL to be phoning people and saying how great her son is etc. Making me question this whole marriage decision.. should I discuss with with fiancé directly? We have never talked about money/ about his family’s behaviour worried about how to make it productive. This happened couple of weeks ago and we pretended it nothing happened. Goal is to understand his mindset, less so about what happened or the $$ amount", "post_id": "609314ab9e2e1200223e61d5", "reply_count": 39, "vote_count": 1, "bowl_id": "58f8108c753e990016608a0b", "bowl_name": "Desi Consultants", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Need some advice.. Dad and in-laws had a very awkward Mahr conversation, with MIL to be phoning people and saying how great her son is etc. Making me question this whole marriage decision.. should I discuss with with fiancé directly? We have never talked about money/ about his family’s behaviour worried about how to make it productive. This happened couple of weeks ago and we pretended it nothing happened. Goal is to understand his mindset, less so about what happened or the $$ amount

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OP - I’ll share what I did for my wedding and my siblings wedding. Typically in the US, the norm is to put 1 months salary as “Haq Mehr” which I think is fair. It’s more a gesture of respect to our religious practices than anything else. Technically speaking, the Mehr is payable to the wife upon request, and in most cases I know the husband makes a promise to give it to the wife if and when demanded. I had this conversation with my fiancé before our wedding, and agreed to how this would play out thus sidestepping the awkwardness. We did the same for my brother’s and sister’s weddings. I do know of some families where they claim a “shariah Mehr” of a certain amount and pay it to the bride the day of the wedding. I also know of upstarts who state ungodly amounts on their nikah for Mehr which I doubt they ever plan to pay. My advice to you would be to speak to your fiancé and agree to how this should play out. Same approach for any shaadi salamis and joota chupayee payments. These things while well intentioned can leave a bad taste on either side, and best to mitigate them amicably before the wedding. I should also add that we didn’t take or ask for any dowry, and weddings in my family are truly unions of equals where money is not discussed or demanded. My wife didn’t get any dowry other than jewelry and clothes, and same with my sister who got money from us to help start her new home. Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

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I communicated directly to my wife that my family would not appreciate an exorbitant amount of money in joota chupai and her friends/cousins would need to take whatever offered (and I gave them a nominal amount). I and my family also told her family that any kind of dowry would be our and my insult. I didn’t take any dowry. In Pakistan, the Mehr amount is written in Nikah Namma and it was also a nominal amount (it was decided on the spot and was also a nominal amount). My wife postponed the Mehr amount to a future date on the wedding night. We have been happily married for the past 22 years and I don't remember when we had the last fight. Good luck and happiness to you.

Mahr = Prenup in simplest terms. Don't take this personally. Are you out of his league? That could be the reason why they want to protect their son because they see a higher probability of an adverse event (aka divorce). That is why they are marketing him so much to reduce the mahr amount. I actually think it is a woman protection/ empowerment strategy that very few religions offer / mandate. The MIL should have taken a backseat in mahr determination. She looks like a bad negotiator.

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Mahr is money paid by the groom to the wife as a gift/ promise of taking care of her financially. It is a legal obligation. The same as a diamond ring/ alimony. Because in Islamic law husband takes care of wife and children’s expenses and that is what the wife is entitled to on divorce. So it’s more than dowry, it’s also a prenup and to me it’s not about X amount. It’s that the in-law we’re offended by the discussion on Mahr but dowry (girl to guy) is still part of the culture and expected. I am more thrown off by then MIL calling my aunt and saying that there were many people interested in her son and how talented and great he is. My concern is my fiancé ‘s mindset towards finances & responsibility, and if he recognizes the essence of mahr. We make the same amount so i don’t think he needs to worry about me taking all his money or being dependant on him.

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Definitely discuss with fiancé - kind of a red flag with the MIL. Maybe also discuss boundaries with him - like it’s not okay what his Mom did. Mahr needs to be a substantial amount and is for your protection.

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Lol....Diamond ring / Alimony in the same sentence !! Thinking of how to secure financially in case of divorce even before marriage !! Mom’s being proud of their son and bragging is nothing new especially in Desi context. This is one confusing post, but something seems to be bothering OP. Hope she gets to clear her mind and enjoy the wedding prep and process !!

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You clearly don’t understand the context but mahr is part of the nikkah contract and serves to protect women in marriage in Islam so maybe relax, google it before passing any judgement.

Why should anyone pay anyone anything? It’s ridiculous in this day and age when the two of you are equal and want equality in marriage. When we ask for equality, we have to walk the walk.

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I have no idea exactly what happened. 1) Dad and In-Laws had awkward conversation (with you until this point) 2) MIL is calling people and telling them how great her son is (but how does this impact mahr conversation or mahr amount, are you implying she is trying to lower the amount because her son is great?) How is this making you question marriage decision? Do you want a large mahr amount? If at this point I've put the pieces together correctly and you think this group is going to take your side, you have another thing coming (I hope). The amount of dowry should be $0. Irrespective of which way the money is flowing.

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This is a very muslim desi issue so I recognize that context and background is needed. And no it’s not about how to get more money, it’s about attitude towards financial responsibility.

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OP - I think you should play it by the book and the reaction of your in-laws and your fiance will be revelatory. Simply put, your MIL has, technically, 0 say in your Mahr - that is a negotiation between you and your fiance. I would treat it like the formal contractual obligation that it is and ask for a reasonable amount that has some logical basis. If your fiance unreasonably disagrees, or lets his mom boss him on this issue - it will reveal a lot about your fiance.

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I am a South Indian Muslim mehr is written on nikha nama, this is the amount they will pay you in case you get divorced , some of our relatives marriages they fought hard to write the amount same as dowry amount and in most cases it is much lower than actual dowry , the dowry is much less in Muslim community than Hindu community , for our marriage my husband and me we both didn’t want either of it but according to customs his parents agreed to write bare minimum amount and I told my parents just to ignore it

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Mahr = typo?

Are you referring to Mahr or salaami money during nikah? Might need a big fat check from your end

Dowry?

Just because you are a good person doesnt mean the entire world is good.

My dad broke an engagement because the girls family renegotiated the engagement the day of the engagement party.

Renegotiated math the day of the engagement party.

Educate us more OP. So the grooms family is flaking out on paying dowry to u? Do u want dowry? Are u concerned about your grooms financial choices? You seem to be asking a group of (potentially) anti-dowry folks about how to get more dowry?!

I’m not trying to be controversial here but dowry also initially began as a way for women to get an inheritance and secure their own wealth, which was warped to become exploitative and toxic. It’s probably worth having a discussion with your fiancé directly on your / his beliefs on this if I’m understanding correctly

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Tbh - mahr in your parents generation was paid in rupees and mostly correlates to the gold she wore on her wedding. I talked to my wife prior to being married and since we wanted to get married and knew this was just something that had to happen we decided on 10k (5 k engagement ring, 5K wedding jewelry)

I’m so confused. I have a few muslim friends back in India but have never heard about this. are you pakistani? It seems offensive but I’ll hold off on saying anything not being from your community. That said, hope you figure this out and have a happy married life.

Sounds like dowry. Yes it sounds offensive. That’s my first reaction. I’m sure it’s more than that and one day I’ll try to learn more about it.

Mahr is not enforced in the court of law. Talk to your fiancé. You can just put $5 and move on

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