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Do you want to be a part of those events or do you feel like you need to be? Early in my career I tried the "fit in like one of the guys" things. I ended up in a lot of uncomfortable or inappropriate situations. As I've gotten older, I don't have time for that and don't really want to be a part of it. I do think sponsorship and relationships are critically important, so it takes me being more intentional and direct about it. I invite them to interact with me... meetings, breakfast, grab coffee, etc. I tell them what I am working on, what I want/ my recommendations, and ask their advice (like: I'd really like to be a part of conversations on X or decisions on Y, how do you suggest I do that if I'm not part of that social event where you decided to do that?). It will clue them in to what you are being cut out of, and still land your ideas. If they are good guys, it won't matter if you aren't at their social events. You aren't one of the guys, and you can try to pretend you are, but sometimes being different and taking a different approach works, too.
Exactly this. This is terrific advice. I realized I wasn’t “one of the guys” (even though I thought I was) and I don’t want to be.
Couldn’t agree more with the above.
I once just got the courage up to approach one of my closer colleagues above me and told him flat out that I didn’t like this boys club thing they had going. He was genuinely so unaware that this culture existed but then made an effort to always invite the few women and encouraged us to suggest/plan/lead casual events. At one point another woman and I got three male MDs in a chair at the nail salon (which btw they loved ha!) and we chatted about work, family, etc. Felt so natural.
Now not saying this would work everywhere. I just started at a new place and am worried that there’s no culture for men or women… so on we lead!
I have discovered JOMO. Joy of missing out. I don’t want to be invited, beers and hanging out with the males I work with sounds like the worse. And if you do want to be involved, plan something on your own and invite them
You need to really understand the behavior and then call it out without them knowing your calling it out. For example many times guys have a meeting before the real meeting to decide things. Call put that they may have decided something before it was discussed so you can get your input in there. “Wait have re already decided this? I thought we were discussing it at the meeting” something casual like that so they can’t take offense but you jokingly can get the point across. The book play like a man win like a woman may give some insight into the unwritten rules.
It doesn’t really matter if it’s intentional or not. It’s sexism and it’s harming your career
<cont> I’m “one of the guys” as much as one can be actually but is that to my detriment? Appreciate you all.
Second P1.
Would add if you truly want to be involved, don’t be shy about it. I was hesitant and see some of the younger women in my practice be hesitant about this - don’t be.
I have been there and found calling people out in a professional manner consistently helps over time. Also point out when they didn’t include you and it lead to a loss for the team/company. Be a little petty about it but with humor.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this :( I feel in a similar situation however lower ranking. I would say just keep trying your best to talk to people, and also don’t feel you need to pick up liking drinking and sports to be involved- if you’re like me those things are horrible lol. Please keep being you and remember that women like me are looking up to you :)