Parents keep asking how many holidays I have and saying “well you won’t be able to use many” you’ll only come home X number of times, then you’ll have lots of holidays left, what will you do with them. And keep asking when are you coming home, when I saw them 1 month ago. If I use my holidays to do something with friends or something on my own, they say “oh you don’t want to see us, you could use those holidays to come visit us, but you don’t care about family” I’m just exhausted, how do I deal?

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Don't tell them how many holidays you have.... ?
Tell them they get Xmas & Thanksgiving, maybe birthdays.... all else you got things to do, places to go....
Also - send flowers to you mom on a schedule - every 9 weeks or so - just so they get off your back. Mom will cover you - everytime... at least my mom would :p

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You don’t have to share what you don’t want to, especially when it comes to PTO or any personal matter. I had to learn this the hard way with my overbearing in-laws.

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Tell them you live by a schedule at work with people imposing on your time. Consequently, you are not committing to schedule the only free time you have.

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Boundaries.. I struggle with this too.

It’s especially hard because my dad is sick and my mom takes care of him along with aides. I’ve had to step in in the past, and to manage their finances temporarily and it became all-consuming. I neglected my marriage.

Do not provide information that they don’t need. Your PTO is for your free time

I’ve learned not to tell my mom when I have a vacation planned with my husband until the last minute or I’ll get guilt trips about it.

Learn to withhold info and take space.

I’ve tried all of this, but they point-blank ask how many holidays and if I say I don’t know they say what do you mean, you must know etc etc. They keep saying that I don’t care about them and want to get rid of them so I don’t come home - I moved out 6 months ago and have been home twice in that time. I took a Friday off so I had a long weekend and they were saying “oh you could have come home in that time” - it takes 8 hours to go home, I’d be exhausted when I get back. If I were to send flowers they’d say, oh you can send flowers but that’s not what we want, it means nothing, we would rather you visit but you don’t like spending time with your family. If I don’t tell them about a trip and it comes out later they’ll say oh you didn’t tell us about this, you’re hiding things etc or you’re trying to create boundaries with family

So this really helped me back when I was younger. I would lie to my parents. The end result was much less guilt tripping or lectures about wanting or doing something. I found it was very effective. Unfortunately it did mean I was much less open with my parents and didn't have the same relationship with them that others did. I think it was worth it for my freedom though. That's something I value a lot. Obviously I don't lie about anything really anymore because I'm older, and nobody except myself can make me feel guilty about something. And if I don't like an interaction, I know I can leave

You're an adult now so you just need to put in those boundaries. Your parents and family shouldn't control you. Stand up to them nicely but firmly, and let them know you love them and you'll see them regularly, but your holiday time is for you. Sooner you get started, the better.

I guess it's your choice - put some boundaries in and live your life at the risk of missing out on some family times, or carry on what you're doing and never have your own life and spend all your holiday time with them. I know which one I'd choose.

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