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Do they talk without pausing so you can’t get anything in? If so that’s annoying and exhausting.
But I could also see if they would assume you’d talk about yourself without being asked. For example I do this while texting, If someone reaches out and asks how I am, I’ll give a short paragraph or so and wait for their response before asking how they are. I just feel like it’s rushed if I ask how they are in the same text, I give them enough to react to first.
Their conversations with you might be the only time they can unload the mess they have to quietly endure every single day. They aren’t self aware about it, it’s just like letting out a deep breath for them. You need to set boundaries that it’s emotionally taxing for you and that they should probably seek a therapist.
Chief
Definitely. And I take this into consideration. If they do it once in a while, that’s fine, but if most of our 1:1 convos are like this, I begin to think of it as self-centered issues
Pro
People who do that are generally looking for validation. Many are not aware they're doing so unless someone points it out.
@EY. Personally, I stopped talking to these people if they’re in my outer circle and doesn’t matter much to me. For people I care, I would bring it up to save our relationship - I think this has to be done in person though, like they have to see our facial expression that we’re coming from a good place and want to work things out. I’m actually visiting a family member who does this and this trip is my last straw with them. I’ll let them know that it bothers me that they never asked about the things I’ve worked really hard on and making great progress at it. I’ll also emphasize that I care and that’s why I bring it up and want us to have good, two way street relationship (otherwise I wouldn’t fly across continent to be here). Unfortunately, for me, I can’t let this slide. Compassionate and reciprocation is huge. I have other considerate people around me, I don’t think twice about losing these sort of people.
Isn’t it one of the biggest signs of lack of social intelligence? Not knowing how to listen is a huge lack of curiosity to me but it’s also about self-consciousness in most cases. I have this one friend who simply cannot listen to anyone speak about anything without interrupting and saying, super loudly “OH, III…” and then does not listen to other people’s take on the matter, just zones out and/or changes topics. There is no way she is aware of how obnoxious this is because it’s so exaggerated. I wonder why nobody has ever told her though. I know it comes from deeply rooted insecurity and a massive need for validation so I think it would hurt her to be told more than it would help and also who am I to point out someone’s flaws? Lastly it might be selfish but I think she’d hate me if I said that and I don’t want to be hated lol. Luckily she’s one of the only people in my close circle who doesn’t know how to listen; is everyone around you like this?
Enthusiast
Most people don’t notice. It could be that they don’t have people to listen to them. I did this a lot when I was in college and i randomly started realizing. Back then, I just talked about whatever was interesting to me personally and things I was familiar with. If someone had similar energy and talked about themselves more, I would listen/asked questions and be interested but it never occurred to me to ask my more reserved friends about their lives. I never realized that they were consciously making an effort to ask about me. Now I am way better about it and make an effort to keep convos balanced. Sometimes it happens more naturally if I’m catching up with an old friend that I want to know about.
Oh man, I would love to hear experts’ opinion on this. My take is they don’t (complete lack of self-awareness) or they do and being extremely inconsiderate to others. I unfortunately have a few family members who only talk about themselves, never ask about how we’re doing or the things that matter to us. The entire phone call is about their cooking, medical history, and etc. It’s entirely one-sided. When these people talk about stuff, I express my interests and ask them follow-up questions. I get none of that in return. Like the things I say just go to die. I’m honestly on the verge of confronting them - like help me understand how could you not give one care about the person you’re talking to.
Chief
Enough about me talking about me. Now let me let you talk about me.
Enthusiast
I'm like this! And many of the above responses are pretty good explanations for my behavior, can't speak for others. I didn't realize I'm like this until I came across people who love to talk just as much as I do and we were tripping over each other bc of the amount of times we both cut each other off to get in our words 😅. So, cutting them off mid sentence works bc they realize they haven't shut up for a whole 10 minutes, & if you do it often enough & they actually have some self awareness, they catch themselves and you won't have to hurt their feelings by telling them to shut up 😅. Another thing that may help is to sound bored or be completely silent to give them a hint--all of this worked to get me to think abt how much I'm talking. But, this is for people you're not too close with. If they mean a lot to you and you want to sustain the friendship, I think communicating how you feel is a much better idea.
As for why I talk so much: definitely bc am self-centered, love talking abt myself and my experiences and yes, sometimes just looking for validation & approval. I also have a hard time paying attention to someone else when they're speaking for more than a couple minutes. My intentions aren't to offend, I just...love talking lol.
I'm working on all this! By pausing more & I always reciprocate the questions back and apologize for taking up majority of the time. I make a much more conscious effort now to actually focus and hear what they're saying, especially if it's a friend. Sometimes I'll ask them questions to begin the conversation abt them rather than overwhelm the whole convo/hangout by talking abt myself the whole time. It's taking some practice but I'm getting there!
I don’t think it’s about whether you like talking about yourself or not, as most people are usually like you. They just apply a social filter to create an environment more prone to breeding closeness. Ask your friends if they feel that they can speak freely around you/ feel heard around you/ feel like you care about what they have to say/ feel that you have empathy or curiosity about them
Chief
Can you tell us more about your experiences with them?
PGST I couldn’t disagree with you more. You’re describing 2 simultaneous monologues. A conversation entails asking questions and addressing what people say. It’s also very important to adjust topics or communication styles on the basis of what you think stimulates or interests your interlocutor. I wouldn’t speak of myself if the other person does not show a minimum of interest in listening to that, either by asking or by bouncing off things I say without making it about yourself. Otherwise, it would make them lose interest in the conversation and diminish connection
Odds are no they are not aware
Pro
Also, people who feel the need to correct others on meaningless crap. Why?
Rising Star
Trying to make myself remember things.
My previous boss used to do this. Was and still is completely unaware that people tend to ignore when he goes on and on.