Perspective check:
I'm an SA, and my fiance is finishing up her residency and loves the medical field. I make good money and have a house but I feel like the relationship and the obligations (house, family) are anchors and holding me back from living my life. I want to sell and live on the road, traveling and being free.
I love my fiance and my family but I just want to quit everything and just hit the road.
Am I being dumb?
Pro
It’s your life and you only have one.
You will likely lose your fiancée, who will be hurt and feel like you pulled a bait and switch. But better now than 5 years down the road with a kid.
It is definitionally selfish, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It also doesn’t mean you won’t come to regret it.
Yes, there are times when we all would love to leave all responsibility and stress behind and travel the world w no worries. Everyone has different life goals, But I would wager that someday most would look back on all the trips and money spent and really realize all that they gave up. I have been to 25+ counties covering all continents and it is great. But you know what is better when u are 47? Eating takeout and watching and old movie with your spouse of 23 years, helping your 22 year old daughter move into her first apartment, helping your 18 year old plan for college, building a big LEGO set w your 10 year old son. That was me this past week. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Guess it depends on how you do things. I have a very tight group of friends I travel with and our bonds are made stronger by our international adventures. Some people lean on family and others have friendships that can be just as supportive. Even though I have a ways to go before 47, I can often think fondly of my memories the last decade and pick up the phone or hop on a plane to people who truly care about me. And we’ve gone through a few weddings and children in our group but have always prioritized maintaining our friendships
Chief
Quitting your family to pursue some cowboy-fantasy and live out of a van is incredibly selfish
Chief
Not an impulsive one. If he wants out of the relationship, by all means. Call it what it is. But to have this romanticized view of what life is like hurts everyone involved
I understand the urge but have you thought what if you lose everything because of that urge to be free. Also think of all the hurt you will/could cause. Yes as we age it gets difficult but that is more of a willpower thing. As others said, keep it time binding and have a conversation with fiancé.
Pro
The real anchors are kids. If you don’t have kids, you do you.
Chief
It's not selfish to live your dream. It's selfish staying in a situation that stifles you. Do it OP and don't let anyone get in the way. If you don't you will regret for the rest of your life.
Maybe you are being dumb, maybe you’re being immature or maybe you’re realizing family life isn’t for you. Maybe there is a way to combine your desire for independent adventure with family. It all depends on what your fiancé needs are. She may welcome you taking off, she may deeply resent it, or she may want to go with you.
The only way to know what the situation is would be to discuss it with your fiancé. Premarital counseling would be the best way since a good counselor can guide you to self understanding and allow your fiancé to voice her expectations to highlight any basic incompatibilities.
Best wishes.
Pro
Your relationships hold you back in exchange for holding you up. Think about how you might achieve what you want within the life you have already built - my wife told me early and often that if I ever felt this way (that I needed to travel or leave for some period of time to achieve something) to tell her rather than leaving her.
Maybe you can travel for extended periods, with or without your fiancé, in between jobs etc etc. As has already been said, kids are the game changer - travel is still certainly possible but being well practiced and having thought potential issues through in advance would be key to navigating.
Pro
Do it. It only gets harder as you get older. Time bound it and get it out of your system
Why do you have to choose? Hit the road and do long distance if you can. Plenty of military families make it work, also I have friends whose parents spend a lot of time apart with one going back to their home country for extended periods of time. And most of my close friends have SO’s that are long distance (Brazil, London or Panama)
I believe that’s marriage, relationships and families in general not sure I would say military families are at a higher probability. If anything, I would say Hollywood takes the top spot but I have no data to back that up.
Switch the discussion. You want to travel. Sounds like you may have a career you can do anywhere. She wants a medical career. Talk. If all that is true look into “traveling medical” once all her requirements are over. Or one of the international NGO or other bodies like the WHO (if you both want to be associated with them), Doctors Without Borders, or any of the other fabulous organizations with a global presence. I have a friend who worked for DWB for a decade and travelled all over the world. I also have a friend whose wife was a yoga instructor and he was an online blogger. They moved to a new country every year for 5 years and both found work that more than covered their expenses. If you want your vision of traveling and staying in the relationship to happen, make it happen. However, this also assumes you’re comfortable traveling the world in a pandemic unless you plan to start in two years when hopefully things have calmed down.
I can definitely freelance. I do Cyber/IT audit nothing really holding me to a specific location.
We've definitely considered DWB, I'm a huge supporter of the organization but most of the time you end up in not so ideal locations and sometimes even in war riddled countries. Not sure if I want to put my self or my wife to be in such a situation.
Have you considered to take a sabbatical period? (I.e. traveling 6 months alone but not splitting with your family&fiance)
Just started with a new firm about 6 months ago. I'm sure asking for a sabbatical in this economic climate would be asking to get sacked.
“And Freedom- oh freedom. Well that’s just some people talkin’- your prison is walkin’ through this world all alone”.
Dumping a soon to be doctor to travel out of a van ...?
Lol I'm marrying out of race/ethnic background. Immigrant parents nightmare already come true despite her being a doc lol
This is called mid life crisis, and you had it pretty early. No suggestions, you do you.
Rising Star
Don’t spend the money on a wedding. Keep it small and spend the money on a phenomenal honeymoon instead.
Talk to your fiance: save on the wedding to splurge on the honeymoon. A wedding is all about the guests and a honeymoon is all about the couple. A beautiful wedding could be also small.
Pro
I think you’re looking to the extreme end of an opportunity bc the contrast feels refreshing and “wholly you” after a life of hauling ass for others
But life is not “wholly you,” it’s about how you connect to, enrich and uplift your little cluster on this earth
Encourage you to start exploring ways you can get some of the experience you want while still plugging into your current life and fiancé’s goals and dreams
Where do you dream about going together? What if you could craft two weeks somewhere where you get to explore on your terms and she feels like she’s got the gift of this dope adventurous partner-tour guide?
Pro
Love that, OP!!
Such a huge difference between “I gotta get tf out of here and wander” vs “I’m taking us to X country. I want this to be adventurous and exploratory for me, relaxing and inspiring for you, and something we’ll never forget doing together”
The framing makes all the difference. Good luck, congrats on the stability & adventure onward!
Pro
Sell your house, sell your things, and when your fiancé finishes residency - travel for a year with them. Highly recommend the traveling medical programs that someone else recommended. It's easy for medical professionals to travel all over the world. I mean with coronavirus ...things are different. But who is to say that you can't do this stuff. Being married isn't the end of the road. If that doesn't work, take a month off and travel without your fiancé. Take three months. Or six. A lot of firms have sabbaticals where you can get paid a percentage of your salary and keep your healthcare. Just don't have kids. Then you'll never sleep or travel again. Jk....
Chief
Before you do anything rash, really think about why you feel this way. Talk with yourself and find our what you wsmt from life and what makes you fulfilled. Do you like travelling? Does commitment or staying in one place scare you? Do you want change? etc. And ignore the people who tell you to just drop everything without even thinking about it. I think after some introspection what you should do will be clearer
Enthusiast
She willing to do doctors without borders?
She is but I'm not.