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Your MIL sounds completely irrational. She's got 2 babies coming into the family and she is effectively ordering the family not to celebrate because of a reason I don't even understand. I would completely ignore her and celebrate in whatever the way I wanted to and if she doesn't join in the fun, well... her loss?! You need to set boundaries earlyyyyy with this one!!
Isn't that for her extended family to decide, not her? Also I wouldn't be impacted too much by your SIL's preferences. You sound like you're being ordered around on what is essentially a day about you and your baby.
Your MIL may have “decent” intentions but she is wrong. People will do what they want. I’ve learned not to allow others to steal my joy, especially for significant events in my life. This time should be celebrated. Periodt (Madea emphasis). Considering, your SIL started trying after you announced, she’s either selfish for now wanting to share a shower or is irrational just like her mother.
Don’t let her control how you celebrate this occasion. Like others said, throw your own shower or ask a friend to help or throw a shower. My MIL tries to be manipulative and guilt trips etc but I throw that crap back to her corner. It’s not tolerated. She know it. I would be hurt just like you, but I would also be defiant and enjoy bringing my baby into this world despite her “decent” intentions.
Where is your husband on this? How does your SIL feel? I bet she’ll have something. Make sure you celebrate. Congratulations! Enjoy your pregnancy.
This. My mil with all her good intentions made my baby shower all about what she wanted . I ended up canceling it . Our relationship did not recover fully from that incident about 7 years ago.
That sucks :( but you can still throw one on your own or have a friend throw one for you and invite your in-laws. It’s up to them whether or not they want to go 🤷🏻♀️
Have a friend host a shower FOR YOU and invite allllllllllll the family members.
I feel like by doing this I’d be going around her - and they all leave 7 hours away, so it might feel like just asking for a present?
Coach
You can’t force someone to throw you a shower, regardless of how lame their reason is.
Ask a friend to throw you a shower. Invite everyone that you want to be there. Have a fabulous time.
And congratulations on your first! 💕
I don’t know — sometimes siblings get married within months and families figure out how to attend two weddings in a short period of time. I sort of get her concern, but it’s one of those things you can’t really control. Showers can be expensive though — especially if families are large — do you think she’s not in a position financially to throw two large showers so close together?? If finances aren’t an issue, I really think she should go ahead and have the two showers. I’m pretty sure people will still attend both, maybe with the exception of people who are long-distance.
Is there really no one on your side to throw the shower? Aunts? Friends? Sister?
You don’t need a shower (I have had two kids, never a shower because I hate them). If you want one, ask a friend to throw it. Don’t throw it for yourself, that’s tacky (against shower etiquette). This is good practice for parenthood- you need to figure out what you want your relationships to be with these people and not rely on them for what they aren’t healthy enough to give. Your MIL sounds a bit off.
Mentor
I’m so confused because I think most people like showers, may be different now due to covid. Many family members you don’t get to see very often so seeing them at 2 different showers would be great. As a family member I’d rather go to 2 showers 4-5 weeks a part then have to buy 2 gifts at the same time and feel like neither woman feels fully celebrated on her own.
And also communication on this is your husbands problem. His family, his problem.
Mentor
Traditionally for us, the MIL throws the baby shower. But my MIL lives internationally and with covid that became impossible. My mom refused to throw it since it's "not her job, but my MIL's responsibility".
It broke my heart. This is the first grandbaby on both sides, I had a difficult pregnancy and traumatic delivery, and all during covid. It upsets me terribly deep down that everyone was so petty but no one cared enough to do this for me. Even something simple at home.
Throw yourself one to lessen the blow. Take an expensive Babymoon. Buy some jewelry or a treat for yourself. But know that you might harbor some resentment forever.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! I hope you and your baby are doing well now????
This woman’s a psycho. Have your family or best friend throw you a party and she can sit it out. Don’t ask for her permission, don’t give advance notice. She actually doesn’t get to dictate how you experience this incredible experience. Please do whatever you need to do to ensure this toxic behavior does not go unchecked
I’m not close to my dad, but my SIls parents are still happily married. I was really hoping to celebrate with my in-laws, can’t help but feel like I’m getting punished for her deciding to start trying at the same time. How would you feel?
Do virtual showers? And screw what the SIL wants - this is about you.
How much do we dislike the SIL? Do you live near each other? These babies could be life long friends. Any chance of a dual shower? I had a dual shower at work with a co-worker due the same month and it was awesome. Also, I threw my own shower for family and friends (mostly because I’m a control freak lol) I don’t care what anyone says, no one enjoys attending a baby shower, but we do it because the parents need A LOT of stuff. It is 100% about that baby. If your family doesn’t want to go, they’ll have the option not to and hopefully will just send a gift. Virtual is also a great option. Lastly, what does your husband say? It’s his mom, right? Tell him to look alive lol good luck momma!
Sending virtual hugs!!! I am going to tiptoe here. I think the first thing is work on releasing the expectation of your MIL family throwing a shower. I fo think there may be some hurts there given your family background, and I encourage you to consider counseling yo help you release all these hurts. I have seen lots of folks throw showers for themselves. It may seem awkward and maybe some consider it tacky but guess what, everyone showed up, brought gifts, snd had a good time!!! Maybe frame it as your hubby throwing it and ask friends to run the games. I’m sure there are party planners out there who can run these types of events from start to finish. I would hope some of your friends may offer to throw at least a virtual shower but none of us know if you have friends like that. If they don’t offer, then you can certainly ask them to help but I would not ask them to pay for anything. You could consider something easy like a bowling party shower if you have an upscale bowling alley near you. Golf party at one of those fancy golf lounges would be easy yo execute as well. But be careful not to spend more on the shower than the gifts you’ll receive because then you could have just bought them yourself.
Your MIL sounds like a narcissist. It's not about her or what she wants/believes. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I know how it feels.
Throw your own shower and let people choose to attend or not. Or ask friend to help.
All the extended family lives 7 hours away, I don’t have friends or family near them. But I like your idea 😁
Sorry you had to experience this. I hope you and baby are doing well.
Thank you - this all has made it much more stressful, but I’m going to stay positive.
I actually had a few local friends offer to throw me a shower, which felt amazing! So my oldest childhood friend took the lead. At the last minute, she bailed and now I don’t feel right going back to the other people - the shower situation has made me quite sad, but doing my best to focus on the positive 😁
Mentor
Glad it worked out! Who knows, if the MIL and SIL are invited to one or both of those showers, maybe one or both of them will surprise you and show up!
Why can’t you guys do baby showers a couple of months apart if you both want one? There’s no set date you have a baby shower. It’s not like it’s always at week 30 or something. If you’re close with your client in-laws, do you think you can say something to your MIL? Or maybe your husband can say something? That being said, if she’s being weird about it, it might be better to have someone else throw you a shower? Do you have any close friends or maybe an aunt that might want to? Personally, I’m Jewish and we don’t do baby showers (traditionally), lots of people do a “sip and see” after the baby is born. Do you know what your MIL’s aversion is? Maybe it’s covid related? Or she’s worried about celebrating something before it happens? Either way, you should celebrate how you want. And if that means having a baby shower that she is simply invited to, do it.