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My parents both worked full time. They were neo natal intensive care consultants.
At 33, I remain hugely inspired by my mum’s example, her hard work, and her love of intellectual fulfilment. She pushed through university as part of the first female class in her med school, and she achieved amazing things in her career - not least saving the lives of hundreds of people, and making the lives of others less painful and better cared for. And yes - it meant that we didn’t get amazing home cooked dinners every night and I walked myself to school. I think that’s also awesome. I learnt to be independent, thoughtful and challenge myself.
So no, I think your assertion is way too simplistic. There are some who want to stay at home with their kids - brilliant. Others don’t - also brilliant. The worst outcome is that people aren’t able to choose for themselves.
I’m the 4th generation of women to go to university in my family and I am so inspired by those who have gone before me. My grandmother was almost fired when she got married in 1944 - only kept her job because the law changed to allow her to keep working. And she always did because she loved the challenge. What a legend!
My mother was a stay at home mom. She became bitter and depressed for having no life outside of her children and the home, and no financial independence. We have almost no relationship now, and she walked out on my family when my sister was 14 (I was already out of the house at 25).
My coworkwer’s mother was a single working parent and rose the ranks to cfo of a major financial bank (talking multi-mil salary a year). My coworker wishes her mom was home more growing up, but they have a great and close relationship.
In summary: it doesn’t fucking matter whether you stay at home or not, you as a person (man or woman) needs to take care of yourself and your needs while supporting your family and being the best parent you can be. People are not bad parents because they work; people are only bad parents if they neglect their children for any reason, one of which can be work.
It’s 2020. Your children want you to have a life outside of them because when they grow up they want a life of their own too outside of their kids.
False. A good day care provides not only structured education but social opportunities that a child spending all of his or her time with a parent would not.
Similarly, a good nursing home provides higher quality care than living with your children would likely provide, plus the social opportunities.
I’m paying through the nose for an excellent day care, and I’m hoping that my children will treat me with the same respect and kindness if and when I have to depend on them.
LMAO. You are DELIRIOUS if you think any nursing home is providing you with higher quality care. THIS. IS. LAUGHABLE. My wife is a nurse and has worked at over 25 through her career and schooling, and this is unequivocally false.
The nuclear family is one of the worst parts of modern society. Children should not be raised by a stay-at-home parent. This isolated the parent, likes opportunities for children to understand the community, and reduces productivity of the community.
Daycare, in some form or fashion, is the preferred method. Children should be raised by the community, not some stay-at-home parent starved of social interaction.
M5... “worst part of modern society?” I’m not from Maoist China, but from the next biggest Communist country, where the “community” had quite a say in “how you raised your children.” Just wanted to politely tell you that you could not be more wrong.
The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. -C.S. Lewis
I am sure no parent likes to leave their kid at day care and go to work and one main reason is that with everything so expensive you need two incomes to be able to support a family in a decent life style of not barely a good one... Also are we going to go back to the age where we want the moms most likely to stay at home and have no financial independence?
Ultimately what’s wrong with old-age homes that it’s seen as a punishment?
It can represent a loss of freedom for elderly who think they can still live on their own. Some homes also face allegations of abuse or neglect. There are good ones out there that try to keep their residents active and bring them on excursions but elderly don’t have the same level of freedom and independence to come and go as they wish.
They will put you in an old age home later in both cases 😁
I have a consulting colleague/friend who grew up with a SAH mother and says she’s closer to her dad now as an adult because her and her mother have little in common to talk about given her mother doesn’t have a separate life outside of the immediate family. I always found that to be a super interesting perspective.
I was put into daycare from pre- kindergarten through 5th grade and developed the social skills I needed from there. Often those who don’t go to daycare have trouble making friends during school and are more close minded.
I also love my parents and still live 10 minutes from them, and fully intend to take care of them when they get old and need my help, if they’ll accept my help.
1. No evidence whatsoever that daycare leads to nursing home. That’s absurd.
2. As many have mentioned, it’s very hard to have a single income household with cost of living in many areas in the US.
3. Even if it were financially feasible, who are you to say one of the parents shouldn’t pursue their career? We are all more than just parents. And I speak especially for women, we are more than mothers, wives and daughters.
4. I do agree that the hours worked for BOTH parents and the constant need to be “on” had made it harder to be present for our kids. I think that’s a different issue than whether or not we put our kids in daycare or whether we should go back to the “good old days”.
We ALL need to be more present during the hours we spend with our kids. But we’re also allowed to have our own lives and pursue our own interests and passions.
I see a lot of comments around financial independence, very valid... trying not to be too philosophical, but maybe a side effect of capitalism?
D6, sounds like we grew up in the same/neighboring counties. Very strong role model of dual career household. And we still care for our aging parents, shipping them off to an old-people house is unheard of in our culture.
OP, if you were to have kids, would you be willing to be the stay at home parent?
Were all going to die alone. I hope you are not having kids for the sole purpose to take care of you in old age.
They will have their own lives and you shouldn't burden them. Dying young and quick is the only gift in this life. Old age is torture.
What a legend!!!!
If it’s any consolation, they’ll put you in an old age home regardless of how you raise them
Many good points across the spectrum. I think it’s fair to say that there’s not one perfect way, and it’s more about the quality time you spend. That’s what I got out of this.
It feels so good to explore a topic I’m not emotionally attached to. Now if someone starts talking about how I raise my fur baby, things will get heated! 😂
And to be clear, by across the spectrum, I didn’t mean that both parents working was bad (plenty of evidence/facts to the contrary), I simply meant for certain people having one parent at home works for them and is a better trade-off.
Was just interesting to see how quickly people jump to conclusions and assumptions about what others meant (even about Ops statement) when they’re “close to something.”
@OP You’re implying that children that are placed in daycare will never be close to the parents or to the family as a whole. Both of my parents worked full time and my brothers and I were placed in daycare for years. Children don’t hate parents that find good ways to get them taken care of. My family is very close together and because my parents both worked full time, they have both retired at 55 and we are spending thanksgiving in Barcelona as a family vacation. Dual incomes and growing up seeing both parents with goals and aspirations outside of the children will always win in my book.
My wife and I made a deliberate decision that we would not put our children in daycare, before we ever had children. We both felt that was important. We then sat down and looked at our financials. I made significantly more money, so we chose, at that point that I would work and she would stay at home. I was perfectly willing to be the say at home dad were the situation reversed. Now, with our children in school, my wife has the freedom to pursue a career that is much more interesting to her, and she now has her own photography business. We’ve both made sacrifices, there are pros and cons to both, but we’ve seen many a benefit from our children always having at least one parent around.
Most places in the west are too expensive to not have dual income anymore. Career is mandatory now regardless of it you'd rather be at home with kids or not. The system is averse to human centred lives. We're only around to make profit for some company and produce offspring to produce more profit. Life in 2019 is a farce.
As a days old fishbowler, I’m astounded at the obvious irony of so many posts on this topic...shouldn’t we be spending time with family right now (or did you need a quick break like I’m doing right now, haha)? Totally get all sides. OP, my wife and I are more 'traditional' as she works 10 hours a week but we purposely put our daughters in day care / preschool because of the socialization, exposure to Waldorf education, and give mommy a break. My wife is still progressing in her career as she uses a couple free hours per week to continue her career interests whether it be trainings, networking, or researching. I'll be honest, we would send them 40 hours a week because we feel the in-home Waldorf inspired preschool can offer so much more rythym and structure than we can at home. That being said, my wife is not ready for that because they are so young. And I'll state this very strongly...she is the better parent to be home with the girls right now but we have plans to flip the script so I can be more entrepreneureal when the girls are in school. My wife is so appreciative that our family unit and approach allows for her not to work FT. But we all make choices...I have a substandard house compared to my D friends and live a distance from my office. That's all on purpose too.
Our kids are nearly teenagers. By now they’ve been at home, daycare, with a nanny, in school, etc... It’s not one permanent setup. It evolves. Relax and enjoy the ride.
As to old age homes, what is the issue when there is no one to care for the aged parents? Where else would they go? Very judgmental to suggest old age homes are not a fair option.
Dumbest thing I've read all day