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Rain Dove is my big inspiration this week. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7765539/Gender-fluid-model-Rain-Dove-praised-patient-response-angry-stranger.html. I think you need to acknowledge how important the grandchildren are to her and talk with her about how she can build a relationship with them. That her being in the grandkids lives is important to her and to the grandkids. Really change this to a conversation about how she can be there for the grand kids. Also, if she is Jewish as one person speculated, you may want to remind her that Jewish tradition fully recognizes civil marriages, and while Chabad and other orthodox rabbis won't conduct interfaith marriages, the Torah and Jewish tradition has many examples of interfaith marriages (a non-exclusive list includes Moses and Zipporah, and of course Ruth). In fact, Ruth may be the best example, a non-Jew who took care of her Jewish mother in law adder her husband's death.
This is a very inspirational story- thanks for sharing!
My grand aunt was similarly livid when my cousin wanted to marry a girl of a different color and religion, we are Indian Hindus. Indian parents are wildly unpopular for emotionally blackmailing their children into submission re. religion, culture, marriage etc. My other grand aunt called the one in question after months of discussion and simply said ‘You’re probably going to live another 15/20 years maximum. You’ve done whatever you wanted to wrt your children for 45 years. Why are you ruining one of the most important events in your grandson’s life so that you can get some kind of religious and cultural satisfaction in your oldest years? Wouldn’t it be better that you had the satisfaction of knowing that he was happy, loved and cared for?’. Surprisingly that did the trick. My cousin and his wife have been married for 4 years. They had a fantastic traditional Indian wedding and have been great about sharing each other’s cultural values. While you’re on the right track with trying to amicably handle the situation, remember to keep your brother and to be sister in law in mind, and make sure they’re on board with your attempts to resolve this. The incoming spouse often pays the price in the long run, in such cases.
Oh 100%- I’m definitely not going to go rogue and do anything they don’t fully agree with/are aware of. Ideally I will advise my brother on what he can do and he will fully handle this. I mainly feel uncomfortable watching this unfold and not doing anything, and I want to help avoid a long-term rift in the family for everyone’s sake (obviously this primarily concerns my brother and his fiance but the ricochets will impact the whole family).
Is the concern about a different faith related to lack of knowledge? Fear and uncertainty of knowing how the ceremony will go? Concerns about grandchildren being raised in a different faith? Prejudice? It’s hard to get her to change her mind until you understand the reason she’s freaking out . Some of these are resolvable and some aren’t. I know you want to be the mediator but please remember your sibling needs your support more than the need a family member who is opposed to the wedding showing up and ruining their big day.
I’m assuming from what you’ve shared that you’re Jewish. And it sounds like your mom is conservative or perhaps orthodox? I converted years after marrying my Jewish husband. I learned Hebrew and all of that. It took 2 years studying with the Rabi. Children can convert once they’re 13 also. My daughter (from a former marriage) did the process with me. It kind of depends on what type of conversion. Because I was in an interfaith marriage at the time I wanted to convert, I could only convert to Reform Judaism. And if it’s about kids, reform believes lineage can follow the father and not just the mother so conversion really isn’t even necessary for their kids to be Jewish. My point is that I think your mom may also just be recognizing the reality of the situation if your brother’s fiancé doesn’t convert before marriage..... find a Rabi that can help rationalize the situation for her and make peace with it.
Is the ceremony going to be centered on either persons religion? I feel like that could also be a good point to bring up. And also reminding her what will happen to get relationship with her child if she doesn't go, like will she refuse to see her grandchildren in the future? Reminding her that it's not necessarily about religion but about love could also help
The concern is fully about the grandkids. They want a purely civil ceremony at our house with only immediate family present. They’re thinking of doing this in the next few months because our dad isn’t well and we don’t know what the future holds for him. And then my mom texted my brother that they shouldn’t bother doing it in our city, the fiance should convert before the wedding (which they’re discussing but I don’t know at what timeline), and she doesn’t want to be present at all 😖 I tried talking to her but had zero success and I will need to keep trying. Further complications is my mom strongly dislikes my brother’s fiance and doesn’t trust that she’ll convert, and she is also exhausted from being my dad’s full time caregiver (another long story) so she isn’t thinking clearly at all
Obviously don’t know your mom but the prospect of losing your dad is probably what’s driving her strong reaction. The grandkids are related to that. She’s thinking about his (and her) legacy. Your brother and mother should sit down and talk about how much they love him and want to honor him. Maybe your brother’s fiancé can do the same thing at a later point. Everyone should get back to basics and remember they all want the same thing. To have the people they love by their side, and to feel respected and honored.
Thanks all. We are Israeli/Jewish (good guess) but my mom isn’t observant at all, in her head it’s almost a biological identity. There are a lot more conversations that need to be had for sure but we all live in different cities so I‘ll need to think of how to make things happen. It doesn’t help that my brother wasn’t proactive in addressing this with my mom before getting engaged and hasn’t been open with his fiance about all this (she initiated talks of conversion to her credit but doesn’t know it’s a Big Deal for my mom; on the other hand maybe it’s better she doesn’t know the details of how my mom is reacting?). Speaking with a rabbi is a very good idea- I will start searching...
As a Catholic girl who married a Jewish guy - we explained that it was too difficult to coordinate a religious ceremony (Catholic has to be a full mass in church - but my parish at least would permit a rabbi to attend and bless the marriage or something?) so we did a courthouse and a lovely (technically fake) ceremony outside at our wedding venue.
BUT we explained to both families of our intent to raise kids with both cultures - which isn't too difficult in my mind since Judaism is the base of Catholicism. None of us are religious though it's more cultural/educational than anything.
Had similar situations in my family and every time they seriously regretted not being supportive... It's hard when they're so sure they're right... And they don't see how wrong they were until all the hurt is said and done. Try to talk your mother down and lead by example in supporting your sibling. But also don't be hard on yourself- you can't make your mother feel, believe or do anything differently if she doesn't want to.
There is a lot of helpful advice here, and I wanted to offer an additional take. This is your brother’s wedding and your mother’s objection. It sounds like you’re spending a lot of energy trying to fix this, and frankly, you just aren’t going to be able to - you can’t force your brother to change his plans (or to be more communicative with your mom) or your mom to attend or future SIL to convert or your father to get well. I get that it’s family and as women we take this on but as you do, please keep that in mind. It is very much out of your control, and you don’t have to resolve this yourself to be a good daughter/sister/person/etc. I hope you are able to give yourself a lot of grace as this sounds like a lot to handle in the face of dealing with your dad’s illness.
That said, I agree with all the advice above. A lot of conversations to be had, and I would start by being honest with your brother first: mom has told you she won’t attend, and brother needs to talk with mom directly about why that really is and what he can (and can’t) do to help mom feel more comfortable attending. Unless you are close with SIL I wouldn’t reach out to her.
Obviously talk with mom too about how she is feeling taking care of her husband and maybe see if there is any way she can get a small break from that? Otherwise just offer support (for all aspects but mostly the non-wedding-stuff) and maybe see if she needs to vent about that aspect of her life and whether that helps her work through what sounds like some displaced emotions.
I would have maybe 1-2 more conversations with her about the wedding to point out what other posters have suggested and then if there’s no progress, politely tell her that you’ve let her know your thoughts, you sincerely hope she and brother can talk it out and that she will change her mind, but you aren’t going to spend more time discussing it further.
Please take this as the sincere advice of a sleep deprived mom of a newborn and ignore what doesn’t serve you! You sound like a great daughter, and I hope someday mine is as patient and understanding of me :)