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Question for guys- if girlfriend/wife makes more than you, how do you feel? Question for girls- if you make more than your boyfriend/husband how do you feel?

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My wife is a medical professional. She owns her own practice. She makes more than me, but she also has 7 figures in debt (her business pays it) and I am a guarantor on her debt. I was able to provide income while she was in school and the early years of her practice. I have made less than her for over ten years and may catch up, but may not. My job provides benefits for our family that would be incredibly expensive to purchase if I didn’t work. Her practice also makes us geographically inflexible, which has stifled my career (this is why I travel) and has been a point of contention at times for us. Overall it’s a good partnership, but requires sacrifice from both of us to make it work.

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I have been living with my bf for a couple years. Last year he lost his job but before that I was making 2.5x. I also inherited some property that provides rental income (from my dad that passed when I was very young, so it’s always been a mixed blessing as I’d 110% rather have had HIM in my life growing up).

This past year has been incredibly tough as what little he was contributing to the household (utilities, groceries, etc. and zero mortgage contribution cuz I bought the house) dried up and I had to become extremely ok with taking care of the vast majority of the bills. While on the road, I’ve had to lean on him to take care of / supervise some tenant repairs - he was initially averse and resentful as he feels that he’s not “gaining” directly from that income. I felt that he should help out as it is exactly that income that allows me not to stress about his unemployment. Eventually we came to a healthy place where he has been empowered to make decisions - it’s not that he didn’t want to help but he didn’t want to be bossed around by me from thousands of miles away.

In regards to the mental load etc. I’ve always been the planner in our relationship. So if I want to go on vacation, I’ve needed to plan and pay for the bulk. He has seemed ungrateful for my generosity at times by complaining about the choices I’ve made. It’s very tough / exhausting when he is averse to planning and advanced decisions need to be made.

Regarding our household, he is generally tidier than I am but I still hire a cleaning service since he refuses to scrub a bathroom, mop or do handyman chores that he feels are not a priority (most everything ha). He will cook blue apron type kits or simple meals but only if requested, even when I was getting home late at 9 or 10pm from a local project (delivery to the client then became a thing). Sometimes I feel his hanger when I’ve not planned ahead for meals on weekends though he knows better than to demand I head to the kitchen (I enjoy cooking but get tired, too).

We’ve talked about kids. Early on he warned me he absolutely did not want to be a stay-at-home dad, which is fine (it’s a SUPER hard job not everyone is cut out for). Also he has a PhD that’s not in his career field, so there has been a ton of investment on his side (I have a master’s). I’ve offered hiring a live-in nanny if I continue to consult and travel, which seems right and fair - family help isn’t really an option for either of us.

He’s had a tough time with the imbalance. We both have as we are fairly traditional in our mindsets. I envy my male or LGBT colleagues who can splash money on their partners without societal norms and families raising their eyebrows. Eventually, we landed on a possible solution where I could provide the down payment on a new property and we could BOTH chip in for the mortgage so he feels a sense of ownership. (Prenups etc also not an issue if we go that route.) Thankfully he’s got a job now (I may always make multiples more) but the main part is he needed a purpose to his days. Wish us luck as I’d love to be married/knocked up in a year. Froze my eggs before meeting him but the internal piping sadly doesn’t lie (I am in my late 30s but don’t look it). That’s another story...

TL;DR - I earn a lot, he doesn’t. Unemployment further imbalanced us but we survived!

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Any women that are reading this that make more than me, and are attractive, I am a secure man that has no qualms about a significant other making more than me. I’ll even marry you, have kids, and be a stay at home dad so you can focus on your career ambitions. HMU.

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Guidehouse did not reply to the DM 😑

My wife started to make more than I do couple of years ago (AI data science PHD at Google).
She buys me expensive things and asks me to vaccuum the house commando style while she watches. Relationship never been better 😉🍸

likefunnyupliftingsmart

SM1 you are funny 😂

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I make 4x my live-in boyfriend. He stocks the fridge with all my favorite things when I get home on Thursday’s, never asks me for a penny, keeps the apt clean, is good to me, and the list goes on. I imagine his contributions will mean even more when we have children.
It’s a change of mindset; I’ve always made more than my partner, but have been with people that did NOT contribute in other ways. It’s the intangible things that matter, and it’s us, together, against the world. 🙌

likeupliftingsmart

I’m going to speculate D3 means when there’s children :/ because they are a game changer even when you are two people who have it pretty together

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My dream:

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likefunny

Found out my ex made more than me last year. Broke up with her the next day.

funnylikesmarthelpful

D3, tell your ex to hit me up.

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F here, I make more than my SO and we tend to just split things equally. However, I’ve dated many men who were okay with it on the surface but once they found out my salary things would get weird. They would start dropping comments about how I had spending money or start justifying their salary to me. I would not say it’s as common of a thing as this thread makes it seem

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My bf and I have flipped positions a few times and it’s been interesting. I made more than him at the beginning but then he got this great job and currently makes more. However recently I mentioned another potential job that would put me 10-30k above him. And he did then that week get very down about his job and look at jobs that pay more. I thought it was a thing that didn’t affect him either way but I guess it does. Our salaries have never affected his generosity towards me or others in his life though - he’s always generous and contributes and is not selfish about splitting things etc. But I did just have the realization that although I don’t think it drives him majorly, on some level he does care.

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M here - made more than my wife until a few years ago when she started her own consulting firm. She’s got a Masters and a PhD. She should be making a shit load more than me. Couldn’t be more proud of her

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Should or is making a shit load more?

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M-Don't care. Good for them. Happy they are successful.

If your ego is so fragile that you can't have your so making more than you, 🤷‍♂️...

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Exactly. If my wife made more $ than me, I would be happy to help her spend it.

likefunnyuplifting

M - wouldn’t care. My wife probably works just as hard as me, for no money, being a mom.

likefunny

job that needs to get it's due

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I guess I'm a bit old school, but I'd feel like a putz if my wife made more than me. I was a stay at home dad for four months when I was having trouble finding a job and I felt like a complete failure.
Now that I am writing this, it isn't her making more that would make me feel inadequate, it's feeling like I could not provide. Daddy's job is to provide and protect; if I fail at that I question my worth as a man. If my wife had went to med school instead of engineering and she was making more than me right now I'd be good with it.

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You’re contradicting yourself.

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I’m a woman who makes 2x as much as my husband. We are both ok with it; he has more free time than I do and really helps get stuff done that would take me a lot longer (coordinating with the contractor doing our kitchen, dropping stuff off at the post office, etc). I’m grateful for that and he’s grateful for the biz class plane tix I splurge for occasionally :)

likefunny

My husband out earns me and then I catch up. He loves it! After all, more money for me means more money for us. We have an expensive lifestyle and like nice things.

Once his bratty little sister accused me of using him for his money (🙄) and he screamed “do you know how much money my f-ing wife makes?! 175k. She doesn’t need my f-ing money!” 😏

likefunny

I feel good. My long term boyfriend refers to me as his ‘old lady’ and ‘sugar mama’ in a celebratory manner. (I am 1.5 yrs older)
I have a large cash savings while he is in debt (grad loans and understandable/transparent credit). He won’t let me contribute to that or over 50% utilities, but he does let me cover most groceries and entertainment, while he hits debt hard. He always thanks me.
He said he will proposed when he feels less insecure about his debt, but that he is cool if I want to, first. I know he asked my parent’s permission this weekend. He is cool. I am cool too. 😎😎

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I made more than my soon to be ex husband. I never cared about it. Turns out he did. Fin.

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Good riddance.

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A man can dream....

likefunny

🤷🏻‍♀️

Mmm...It doesn’t bother me, if my SO is ambitious, hardworking and has a plan I’m okay with it (to a degree). In addition (since I’m not married), I always look for someone has an egalitarian view of partnership and responsibility. Does he plan to cook too? Does he believe in sharing household chores? Etc. It isn’t a constant conversation, but I look for clues and ask direct questions.

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I make more and have the more stable job. He gets to takes risks and has higher upside in the startup world. Both ambitious, both have to flex wrt kids, house stuff. Works for us.

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We are old for this crowd at close to 60. My wife and I swapped who made more for the first 25 years of our marriage. She quit after making VP in industry as she wanted to stay home with our kids.

We never had an issue, we are traditional in that we're always pooled money. Our process was to save the higher salary after taxes.

Now I work for fun.

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F - I'm stoked. I love treating him to vacations and gifts.

likeuplifting

And yes, he also cleans the house naked, and gives epic footrubs. I love my life.

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