{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Question for sisters from a brother: when married or if you’re already married, do you plan to contribute financially for big things like mortgage? I’d never ask my future wife to contribute but if she worked and made a good salary I’d appreciate a more equal approach when it comes to paying off our house. This is only for the peace of mind it would give us. Also wouldn’t make sense if my wife was in a time consuming high stress career but not contributing in the home or financially. Make sense?", "post_id": "617999be6ce5b2002ed1ad33", "reply_count": 77, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "58f812c6c1ca28001625d328", "bowl_name": "Muslim Consultants" }

Question for sisters from a brother: when married or if you’re already married, do you plan to contribute financially for big things like mortgage? I’d never ask my future wife to contribute but if she worked and made a good salary I’d appreciate a more equal approach when it comes to paying off our house. This is only for the peace of mind it would give us. Also wouldn’t make sense if my wife was in a time consuming high stress career but not contributing in the home or financially. Make sense?

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Islamically, a woman is not required to use her money to support the household. Technically, she is not even required to cook or clean and the husband is supposed to be responsible for all finances including hiring a cook/ house cleaner if needed. I think this is to remind men to treat their wives with dignity and respect and understand that she is not a house slave. This is a sore point for some guys but it is a gift to women from Allah that ensures their protection. (Some unscrupulous husbands have been known to take all of their wife's earnings or inheritance for example) HOWEVER, most women choose to support their husband financially so they don't see him struggle and to help make their family more comfortable. I think it comes down to expectations. A woman shouldn't be expected to contribute but appreciated if she does. It is really important to have these types of discussions before hand because disagreements about finances and division of household responsibilities tend to escalate and can eventually be destructive to your marriage. If you only want a certain type of relationship, keep looking until you find the right one for you. I think it becomes a problem when the husband demands that the woman pay towards their household costs or expects her to share in the cost but still be responsible for all household duties. Some women love cooking, some hate it. Some guys love to cook and clean. It really depends on your personalities and your agreement before hand about what each spouse would like the other to do. To avoid awkwardness, you can just straight up day, I know every family is different so I wanted to know what your expectations around finances and household responsibilities are? A follow up question can be: would you be open to the idea of helping me pay a mortgage so we can afford a bigger place? TLDR: Every woman is different, some are fine with it, some will feel uncomfortable depending on their upbringing or expectations. Be on the same page before marriage!

Sorry but that's not the same as saying it's in the Quran. Are we saying that the woman needs to have a cook provided because she won't even cook for herself and if not she'd starve or ask for a divorce? Who did the cooking when the men went into wars? Also what if all women insisted on this, all the men would have to go out to become chefs in other men's homes. I think there is a pragmatism and practicality that is often missing in some of these opinions provided by learned scholars. I'd much rather they say your wife is not your slave and has equal rights to earning a living and sharing the chores with her husband. If he cannot do his chores then he can hire external help or negotiate with her if she is willing to take on some of his responsibilities so he can focus on furthering the family goals or vice versa. I'm a man and a staunch feminist but have to call out some of these questionable statements that make women seem like they are incapable of being independent, or that they need to be treated like princesses. It's advice like this that prevents young men from marrying early because they do not have the means to meet these burdensome and illogical demands that women are being told they are entitled to.

Our approach is slightly different. I'm responsible for covering all household essentials, whereas my wife would be responsible for covering most of our 'luxuries' where possible, that aren't exactly necessities. Former is absolutely mandatory on me, help is appreciated, but nothing significant. Also, the reality is many of our women decide to stop or cut down working hours over the course of their careers - we don't want to be in a position where she's covering half of essentials for 10 years, then boom life changes and I need to cover it all now. Just a slight risk/limitation on her and me, so we don't go with a 50/50 approach on essentials. Wife still wants to contribute, as do most women may Allah reward them, so things like outings, holidays, gifts etc. That aren't absolute essentials mostly covered by her. Allah knows best. Might drop a follow up in 20 years iA

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Perfectly said. This is what we do. As the F I do more of the luxuries (outside of daycare costs). We try to budget essentials to mostly be within the limits of one salary in case one of loses out job, or other unforeseen circumstances.

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F here. I find it extremely selfish and opportunistic when women with full time careers do not contribute to rent / mortgage stating ‘what’s his is ours what’s mine is mine’. I get it if the income gap is significant or there’s division of labor and she’s a SAHM. OP your expectations are 100% reasonable imo

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@A1. This is one of the few rationale responses on this thread! Marriage should be a union, a partnership of two equals with mostly (not always) common goals. For a successful marriage, the equation should change from “I” to “We” - with both sides being equitable stakeholders

uplifting

Response from a brother. Marriage is a partnership of two equals - both with vested interests in each other (households) success. Are we willing to equally divide other responsibilities; house chores, cooking, kids, etc.? If so, I see no harm in discussing this with your spouse - and iA you will come to an equitable decision for the family.

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Guy here — we agreed that I would take the responsibility of providing for the household, meaning I take care of all essentials (groceries, rent, bills, etc.). Essentially her money is hers and my money is ours. We’re buying a house now Alhamdulillah, and she’s contributing >70% of the down payment even though she makes about half of what I do. I’ve reiterated that she has no responsibility to do so, but she understands that if only I were to contribute, it would take us a few more years to move out of the apartment and this is what she wants to do with her money. I’ll continue to pay the ongoing mortgage and monthly costs. Hope this helps provide some perspective.

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Thanks for sharing, May Allah bless your union. That’s what I’m looking for, not a 50/50 split or a certain number but if she has the means I would hope she would help unless I become crazy rich. I really only care about paying off my future house as soon as possible to get out of interest and also start enjoying our lives with less focus on work as early as possible.

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Not married but I believe in partnerships and plan on helping with things while working. Allah blesses things when you aren’t selfish and have compassion, financial responsibility doesn’t fall on us but it’s ihsan to help out if able.

likeuplifting

🙋🏽‍♀️ here. I believe in splitting responsibilities, including household financials in an equitable manner. If both my future spouse and I are earning and caring for chores/family, then we should contribute. Now if there’s a real difference in income or your spouse is SAH, then adjustments should be made.

smarthelpful

I actually have a different approach. I say I like to do the small things that add up. Instead of paying off the mortgage, I’d like my financial contributions to be in ways that make the house feel like a home. For example, furniture, kitchen, aesthetics. And all of that stuff does add up, so in my head… that’s an equal approach. But idk how that would look in reality

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That’s what we implement essentially. We group these things as nice to haves and I cover it

Brother here. I expect my future wife to have a career, be ambitious, hard working, and that we split all general household expenses by way of a joint bank account. More than happy to help out with household chores, including cooking and looking after kids and such. One person can’t carry the burden of being the “primary breadwinner “ unless they make crazy $$$ or they live in a LCOL area.

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My question is more so for women who are making 6 figures which is probably most of the population in here. I would also never enforce this but it would just be a matter of what kind of lifestyle we would live. Also lowkey weird if you’re husband is stressing on paying for the mortgage while keeping up with other expenses to give you the best possible lifestyle while you’re stacking up for…nothing lol. I live in CA so maybe this also plays a part.

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Is it though? Yes - based on our religion the man must provide for his family. Don’t think OP or anyone else here is debating that. OPs point of view (please correct me if I’m mischaracterizing your stance) is that, living in a HCOL area and keeping up ‘appearances’ may be more comfortable in a two income household. One income households may only be able to sustain a humble lifestyle.

I do plan to contribute to the big stuff but that being said, would want to be with a man who can provide and take care of me. When I have kids my husband should be able to provide financially for us IF I choose to take time off. Being a woman there’s always soo much more we are expected to give in a marriage, kids etc that imo it can never be 50/50 and I do want my husband to be able to do the heavy lifting there without being resentful. Def don’t want to end up with a guy who thinks it’s important that I make/contribute xx amount of $$

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Good luck EY1!

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Sister here. No I don’t plan to

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Care to elaborate?

Btw brothers and sisters just want to remind everyone that usual bank mortgage where you pay interest is haraam in Islam. I spoke to a few scholars and they said the prophet (pbuh) said it is haraam to pay riba, charge riba, or even witness riba. Any association with riba is haraam. Please think about your akhira more than your temporary stay here in this world. Renting or Islamic financing are two good options for us to stay away from this evil act.

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The topic had nothing to do with mortgages or Riba, that's why I'm frustrated because armchair preachers like you make being a Muslim a lot harder than it needs to be. Also please get your own house in order before preaching to others. I've highlighted that your existing arrangements are not perfectly clean from Riba. Happy to explain how the ALM process in insurance underwriting works or how interest rates are used to calculate the present value of future liabilities. I take exception to anyone who preaches but cannot lead by example.

I by no means am a 50/50 person, that’s really weird. But for big things like a house, do you really want to live somewhere smaller or have me struggle? Some women make me feel uneasy and uncomfortable when the topic even comes up. I’m not talking joint accounts, just help with the mortgage and take care of yourself if you’re making 6 figures. My parents came from Afghanistan and both worked minimum wage jobs to pay off our house so there never was a division of chores/finances in my house.

Yeah, I hear you brother! Empathy and equality goes both ways. Couples need to have shared financial goals, and root for each others’ personal goals / success - anything short of that and the union can be in trouble.

smart

Thanks BCG1!

Depending on where you live and what is the law of the land. In case of divorce and/or separation in the US, for example, the wife gets 50% of all assets even if she did not contribute a penny. That is not fair nor equitable. If laws are different is Muslim countries (and they are, since they follow the Sharia), it is a different situation. OP - your question should qualify the location and all answers and/or opinions should take that into consideration.

Married F. I don’t pay for most bills and mortgage now. I have a few small ones about $600ish a month. But I also pay for all the kids daycare costs. Which is probably just as much as mortgage. But when we first got married, I paid everything EXCEPT the mortgage. He didn’t have enough money then. As he made more, he took on more and more. If he could afford the daycare, trust me I would pass that on too. The shifting of bills was not completely smooth but not completely rocky either. Although since I have a little more pocket money due to slightly less bills, I do pitch in on family vacations etc (on my own will, after all it’s for our own family and kids)

15yrs married here and I'm surprised by the hard boundaries between husband & wife in some of these responses. I'm always earned more than my wife but we put everything into a joint account and then pay for everything out of there and we never spend a large chunk of money without checking with each other first. I think having separate savings and bills makes things too complicated and creates divisions.

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