Rant - My girlfriend has always said that marriage is not important to her so I've put it on the back burner. She has also always said that if we were to get married because I wanted to that she would be fine with just a court marriage and backyard party. Totally cool with me! However, her coworkers were ripping into her for her views and yesterday she brought up the subject saying that she is sick of everyone around her and society in general telling her that it's a huge red flag that we've..

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Sounds like you have a wonderful gf who was venting to you about societal pressure. Just be there for her and listen.

likehelpful

Agreed. This sounds like a situation where she’s looking for you to listen and confirm your shared values. Not solve the problem.

Also her coworkers sound shitty.

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Tbh its a red flag to me that you seem to have your finances together and you manage them and yet you don't own your house together. You are gaining equity that your gf pays for (assuming she pays you 'rent').
You saying you manage finances and are fair is also a bit of a red flag bc it implies you make the rules rather than deciding together. But could be just poor wording or my misunderstanding.
Getting married or not - thats really up to you two but I think her colleagues are just looking out for her financial interest given the 2 points above.

likesmarthelpful

I go through the bills and propose how they should be split up. She either accepts or changes a few things around. I would say I'm more of an advisor to her own personal finances by advising her what she should pay down first, helping her understand how much she should be saving for retirement, helping her understand investments better, etc. . She asks me to do this because she trusts me and she's pretty bad at money management. She doesn't spend a lot but she said she feels overwhelmed sometimes with what to do.

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You can apply for the mortgage on just your income and put both of your names on the house title. The two things are unrelated. Just FYI.

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💯

So she’s contributing to the mortgage but her name is not on the home?

likesmart

I feel like a fair approach on the mortgage payment is splitting everything but the principal portion of the payment

Idk on the equity building part

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She needs to stop telling her coworkers about private matters

likesmart

Yes, my SO would be so pissed if I spill all the tea about our private life. Also, coworkers are not always our friends.

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Her coworkers sound terrible and very judgmental. Sounds like you have a great relationship and you should do things on your own timeline.

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It’s your business. The marriage thing is whatever. People don’t believe in marriage, I don’t. That’s fine. I’ve seen rings or all shapes and sizes from my friends, I don’t remember any of them or who they belonged to because those can also change.

Honestly, some of the advice that they are giving her is advice I would take and give to my girlfriends. If she is contributing paying your mortgage, she should also benefit from having her name on something that will give her equitable ownership. As for the money on her own, historically, women in abusive relationships (or toxic relationships) are not able to leave their partner because they don’t have financial agency. This is not to imply anything about you in any way. But life has many twists and turns.

likesmart

You guys do what works for you. Personally, I would not want to be paying on a mortgage that would leave me high and dry if I moved out. But if you guys are both comfortable with that, then it's fine. You two are the one in the relationship. If you were planning to propose with the 1k ring and that aligns with your goals, you don't owe anyone an explanation and don't worry what anyone thinks. I am not married fwiw but that's just my thougnts outside looking in.. good luck and yes, maybe having her share less details with others will help.

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I think it sounds like you and your girlfriend have a healthy relationship overall and that she just needed to vent. You both sound really understanding of one another, and I see a lot of negative relationship posts on here.

A lot of people are bringing up differing opinions on the mortgage, and if I was her I wouldn’t want to be on the mortgage unless we were married and I was on the deed too. Being on the mortgage would just make her liable for the debt (my ex wanted me on his refi, but I would have gotten no equity). My personal opinion is as long as I’m not married to the person, we’re not co owning a house or co borrowing debt.

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he is already manages the money for the relationship.

You are not married and bought the home on your own . You don’t own anyone an explanation for that

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Aside from all of the good advice above, wanted to let you know that I'm in a similar situation and that it's probably more common than you think.

I tell you this because you should feel confident in however you choose to live your life and knowing that your choices are right for you, which helps you ignore other unhelpful opinions.

likeuplifting

None of your comments have sounded like your girlfriend has actually changed her mind on any of the points. It sounds like she has nosy coworkers and needed to vent about them. If you haven’t already, just ask her if she is upset because she’s tired of her coworkers opining on things that are none of their business, or if she’s upset because she’s started to change her mind and wants different things now. Neither feelings are wrong, but the answer drastically changes how you should respond.

My SO and I are not in the exact same situation as you OP, but we’ve been together for 10+ years. We’re committed to each other, but haven’t gotten around to getting married because it’s expensive and life happens. As a woman, I’ve gotten far more criticism and unsolicited “advice” from family and colleagues than my SO. I have definitely needed to vent about it before, and at times have been insecure about my choices and wondered if I’d be happier with a more traditional path. That kind of self-reflection isn’t a bad thing, and if you can navigate it together it can only make you stronger. Give your gf some grace about setting boundaries / not engaging in those conversations at work—it’s easier said than done, and she probably enjoys talking about you.

I understand why you’re upset, and I understand why she’s upset. Honestly you sound like you have a pretty healthy relationship and just need to keep talking it out.

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I’m not sure what point you’re clarifying TS1, I didn’t bring up rent at all?
At times I have paid rent/mortgage, at time my SO has paid it. We’ve had things in both our names and in our separate names. We’ve done whatever made financial sense at the time, which based on the comments in this thread likely wouldn’t be popular. But it has worked for us, and I’ve grown out of caring about what other people think about it.

Your SO coming to you with any concerns is totally valid. You can just talk through it and resolve it. You can also let your perspective known that you don’t like the co workers opinion affecting your lives.

However, despite her not caring about title or having lower credit score, when you are managing the combined finances, it only sounds fair that her name be included in title. Maybe not now but as soon as you are married.

Even though the mortgage is in your name, she is contributing to the payment based on her capacity.
You will rarely find couples- who have exact same income, Credit score or contribution to financial matters. There will always be one more than the other but keeping the assets in your name just sounds a bit more selfish and her being used for your benefit just because she doesn’t care for it.

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Take some time off and plan a road trip together to get out of these outside influences and really spend time together. After this you’ll know if she’s the one to get married to.

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People can change a lot over the course of 5 years. From what I read these two should talk because it appears they're at least a little dis-aligned on where they are going as a couple. and no better place to talk than a car if you ask me. You’ve got privacy, you have no interruptions, you can be silent for a while to overthink your answers, worked for me 🤷‍♂️

If she aint smart enough to understand that your relationship is a private matter between the two of you then do yourself a favor and dont propose yet! I mean its obvious that she is being manipulated and I dont know how much you can influence her reception about what other people are telling her. Its on her to be wise and lucid enough to understand that and (a) stop sharing your private couple stuff, and (b) tell her colleagues to mind their f*** business

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I can’t agree with this advice. She’s your partner, she’s entitled to come to you and complain about the crappy things that happened to her in her day and expect you to be there to support her. She’s just venting which is perfectly normal, and everything else OP says indicates she’s a great partner

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Ultimately what do you want OP? Bunch of opinions on the internet shouldn’t intercept your relationship- the way she went to her co workers is the same way you’re now coming to us and you’ll get all sorts of opinions on the situation. Ultimately decide what you want and talk or out with your lady. There’s no one size fits all, you both do what works for you as a couple.

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I'm just venting anonymously because I've been thinking about it a lot today. Sometimes it just feels good to get something off your chest 🤷‍♂️ no expectations.

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... been together for 5 years and I haven't proposed. She said a bunch of her coworkers have also been telling her it's wrong that I bought a house and don't have her name on it too (I didn't because I got a way better interest rate with her off it). Her coworkers have also been telling her that her partner should never know how much she earns and that she should have her own secret savings to protect herself (I manage our finances but am fair and she has full visibility and is included in all decisions). I feel like we have an excellent relationship and other people should mind their own business. Am I wrong? I was planning to propose this year even though she told me she'd be pissed if I bought an expensive ring. I was planning to buy her something around $1k as a middle ground of me feeling like I should get her a ring and her thinking it's ridiculous that people spend thousands on rings. I'm already dreading what everyone is going to tell her about a cheap ring (our combined income is like $170k). She's just really conservative with money because she grew up poor on food stamps. I tried telling her our relationship is our own personal experience, which she agrees, but she's letting all of these people's opinions get to her and it's making her feel bad. FML

Sounds like she is venting about her nosy friends, just listen and do what you want as a couple. She sounds like a good catch, congratulations on your upcoming engagement!

Maybe she didn’t want to be a homeowner . Here very often on the investment bowl how millennials prefer to rent and not have responsibility of home ownership

Encourage her to stop sharing your relationship details. She needs to control her mouth. Or she
could be using coworkers as an excuse…

Sounds like, as your relationship is concerned, you’re living the dream. You and your girlfriend value your relationship over meaningless societal constructs and material possessions.

Only thing missing are some new friends and coworkers and I’d say you have it made!

How old are you guys? The chatter from friends sounds very immature. A couple i am close with just got engaged after 10 years together. The female friend group all said the same things as your GFs friends (he owns house, her name isn’t on it). However, in the last five years they’ve each purchased multiple properties that create passive income and their combined incomes for
Their day jobs is north of 500 now with recent promotions. Note- she’s like 31 and he’s 33. Which are not absurd ages to get engaged.

No one knows why they waited so long. I always assumed they were adults working on whatever plan that they had.

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