Really struggling right now. My wife doesn’t believe in sleep training or any type of schedule for our firstborn son. He’s over a year now and refuses to nap when we try to put him down. My wife doesn’t care that he takes over an hour every night to fall asleep or sometimes just won’t nap unless we take him for a drive, but being home every day it’s really wearing me down. I support her and love her but our second is on the way and I’m really worried

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Does he at least stay in bed when you put him there for a nap? Our 3yo daughter stopped actually sleeping when we put her down, but she stays in bed and reads books to herself for two hours.

We bought one of those lights that changed colors at specific times, and she knows that when the light is red, she has to stay in bed. So, we used that to get her to sleep, or at least stay in bed, 11 hr a night and 2 hr at nap time.

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How old exactly is your kid? You said over 1, but is he “not staying in bed” because he’s climbing out of the crib, or he’s just standing up and crying and not settling himself? There’s a huge difference

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My first were twins so it was critical for my sanity that they slept at the same time. I think there’s got to be some structure when you have two or you might never sleep again. She’s going to need some reliable time when the older is sleeping to manage the baby or do things she needs to do (like showering or eating, haha). Maybe that’s the context you bring it up in - hey, this was so nice for Pumpkin that we could really just be on his schedule and stay so flexible but now that we are having a second, we probably need a little more structure so you have times in your day where both will be sleeping to do what you need to do, especially down the road when I’m back at work. We should start this now and since I’m home, we can do it together.

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Never too late! He might be a bit more stubborn at his age but the best part about kids is how quickly they adapt! I have 4 kids and it never ceases to amaze me how they learn and grow so quickly!

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Errrm... what have you done for sleep training your kid ?

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This isn’t really a case of, “Why do you expect her to do it?” In any fundamental disagreement the person arguing for the status quo, which in this case is not starting sleep training, is basically in control unless the other person somehow forces the issue. It sounds like it’s not that she just doesn’t want to deal with the hassle, she doesn’t agree with doing it.

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Welcome to my life... we didn’t sleep train our kids. Now my husband sleeps with our two and a half year old and I sleep with our three months old. I don’t recall when was the last time we slept together. The fact that we had a second kid was pretty miraculous lmao!

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My ped doctor said there are different philosophies around this - overall Americans value independence and sleep training is the usually the preferred way. He brought up in eastern countries which are usually more crowded and babies do not sleep in their own rooms. They cosleep with parents and grow up just fine - do what you are comfortable with!

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Oh no. That sounds miserable. We chose to sleep train/schedule from birth. He slept through the night by 9 weeks ago and hasn’t stopped (now 1.5 years old). That said, I am the one who was pregnant for basically a year and gave birth and breastfed and was home alone with baby for 6 months so I got to choose how to handle everything. If i truly believed that no schedule was best for my child I would have a hard time letting anyone tell me differently.
Though, at this point, you would hope she would be open to some adjustments if not full on sleep training to ease your lives a bit & of course hope she was willing to take her husband’s/marriages well being into account.

Doing that with two kids sounds really really rough. Sorry i dont really have advice; i can see both sides to this issue & I’m not sure how to change a mother’s perspective once she has decided.

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Thanks for the empathy and validation! Really appreciate your post.

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I have a pdf I put together as a summary of all the main methodologies. Happy to share.

The problem is most people see sleep training as the Ferber method, thus is untrue. I would never have done something g that extreme but it is done. We used gentle methods and our 11m old is napping for an hour at 10, 2 hours at 2 and 7-7 at night

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@KPMG1 Would you mind sharing the pdf? Asking for a friend 😁

Wife and I have six kids. She leads on these topics and I pretty much make suggestions or ask questions.

We did sleep training with our older but not our younger. It bothered me a fair amount, but my wife is convinced they're happier and healthier because we didn't pretend self-soothing is a thing.

But I REALLY don't function well without enough sleep, so if needed to be top of my game, I slept with ear plugs. Otherwise, we took turns taking care of the lives we created in the way we believed was best, which is generally trying to have lots of empathy for a young child and testing them the way we would want to be treated.

Children should be treated with the same respect as adults.

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Loving the reasonable, non-judging responses, even where disagreements exist.

The world needs more of this type of dialogue.

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I’ve got 2 kids and we don’t follow a schedule. Both kids sleep through the night, so it doesn’t bother me if they stay up later, since they sleep in later than most kids

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We don’t set a bedtime or nap time

Give him NyQuil when she’s not looking

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Can your bring up the issue with your pediatrician at the next visit? Is it possible to go with your wife. I’m a woman but I don’t believe that Moms get to steamroll dads on these parenting issues. Also, look up some resources and possible share with your wife to open a conversation.....Moms on Call is a popular one. Whatever you do, don’t approach your wife when she’s exhausted and pissed off. Try to appeal to her for how it’s impacting you and how you don’t want it to amplify with kid number two.

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Never too late to sleep train. We did it at 1 yr old, routine and a sound machine worked for us. And yes, a small amount of crying it out (left for 5 mins crying, then ten, then 15, then 20, up to 30)

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Biggest mistake I ever made was not insisting on sleep training our youngest who at almost six still takes multiple hours of books etc to fall asleep every night. I feel like I basically gave up the last six years to just getting him to sleep every night.

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Buy her the online taking cara babies sleep class. Watch it together. Implement together. Kids need schedules and boundaries

My wife bought that course for our 2nd child. It is very helpful. If you have the money it’s worth buying, Cara is very clear and organized.

Not every kid is a good napper - does he NEED a nap (cranky, overly tired, etc) or are you just thinking he needs one because most kids do?

I didn’t believe in sleep training either, so I do understand where she’s coming from. That being said, if you two are exhausted because you aren’t getting enough sleep, that’s really hard on you and your marriage.

Can you focus less on sleep training (which I presume is crying it out, which can be very polarizing) and more on the outcomes you want? I would NEVER have agreed to letting my babies cry it out, but I couldn’t argue that my babies needed to get good sleep. If he’s taking an hour to go to bed, he may be overstimulated. Do you have a calming bedtime routine? Does he know what to expect - dinner, walk, bath, story, snuggle, etc?

My son had colic so sleeping through the night / napping wasn’t a thing early on. Sleeps through the night now (over a year old at this point), occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night, only if his diaper is maxed out. I seem to have more luck getting him down for naps / bed time than my SO, but we have our fun little routine we do - say goodnight to pictures of extended fam, tour around the house and look in all of the mirrors because i guess that’s fun. By the time we get to the crib he’s relaxed and content so goes to sleep pretty quickly. Didn’t do any formal methods, just trial and error.

Our twins are two and a half and about a month ago started doing sleep training. First two days were rough but after that they adapted pretty quick. We were really surprised. From time to time one of them still wakes up in the middle of the night. We check on him but make sure not to stay with him very long. He cries a little bit but eventually goes back to sleep after a while. It’s really been a big help.

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