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I miss my FWBs 😩
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Don’t want to die alone, want to hav something to live for other than myself, want the social benefits of having kids (make friends with other parents, share common interests), if I’m honest don’t want to feel like I’m missing out on what is socially considered a major life milestone, don’t want to be nagged by family, want the opportunity to do a better job raising someone than my parents did for me (they did a good job, I just want to improve upon it)
Pro
It's not suppose to be a literal interpretation of the moment of birth or the moment of death lol.
Conversation Starter
Also ppl have all kinds of reasons some legit some ridic. I had a friend who literally chose to have a kid because he and his wife are beautiful ppl and they always heard comments about how beautiful their child would be lol. A shaky premise if there ever was one haha
I have a cousin who thinks of herself very beautiful. She is pretty like 6-7 but not a 10 like she thinks of herself to be. Her husband is not bad either. Their daughter not so great looking and the parents constantly wonder, sometimes out loud how did this happen 😂
Rising Star
If youre this on the fence id say you dont really want them
I think the older you get the harder it is to have the desire to do these kinds of things. And it’s perfectly okay!
Pro
I got kids because it felt like the natural thing to do, plus my wife really wanted kids. I love them to death, but I think I could live without them if I’d never had them, but now that I have ‘em, they’re my everything and miss them when they’re not around. Knowing what I know now, I’d be ok either way, it’s lots of fun with em and there is lots of love, but it also takes up so much time and limits your options so much.
Pro
I think in a strange way, “it doesn’t matter”, if you have them you’ll have an unforgettable life because you have them and that’s amazing, but in the same way if you never have kids, you will have so much more opportunities to exactly live your life the way you want. I am a parent who 100% understands all the reasons people don’t have kids, but to me these don’t apply, because there’s no way I’m ever trying to get a refund :)
Conversation Starter
Come to the dark side and join the Childfree Bowl! 💃🏻🍻🥂
Hahahaha!!!! Maybe I will
I know that kids are life-changing in every way and most people are going to tell you they’re happy with their decision one way or another. It’s confirmation bias. Most people will choose to commit to and love the decision they went with. But I don’t think people will admit they regret their decision or at least admit are somewhat displeased with the outcome of having kids and the toll it took on their marriage, their bodies, their appearance, their career mobility, their overall happiness. Kids are an extension of you, and hours, days, lives spent investing in their livelihood, development, character, morals, thoughts, emotions, their futures and dreams. So they go all in and it ultimately sucks up their life but who’s going to admit they regret the investment after pouring all the heart, money, tears, and years into the development of another human, as well as the relationship and bond?
I see a lot of families and parents who are gungho about their kids. But I also see that their marriages take the backseat. I rarely see parents I admire individually or as couples. I see a lot of parents who let themselves go and mindlessly live for their kids and they seem like they’re on autopilot. Meanwhile they’re toiling away working from home, making their kids lunch, and going thru major depression in their marriages or just struggling with issues they can’t shake. I still see parents who are mean, selfish, unkind, hostile, have road rage, and aren’t any better than before they had kids. I work with those people. That isn’t to say there aren’t great, impressive people with kids that seem happy and are a joy to be around, have solid marriages, careers, and individual selves - but I haven’t met them yet.
As a happily married woman, I find so much joy in my marriage. The fun, thrills, spontaneity, personal growth, laughter, the bond that has come from my marriage with my husband is one that I could never trade. My husband fulfills all the self-actualization and personal fulfillment I have needed to grow as a person and realize my passions and dreams. He wants a kid in a few years, and I personally dislike kids but am somewhat open to it later down the line - because he wants kids; genetically, we would make a great, adorable kid with wonderful traits. But I personally feel no urge or urgency to have kids… because life as we know it feels already so fulfilling and awesome. Thankfully we are at an age where all our other married or engaged friends are happy pet parents just like us. I think I still am on the fence about kids. But I also know if we do have a kid, it will be fulfilling in a different way. But would I be crushed if we can’t have kids? No. And we may find ourselves one day with no kids being the cool auntie and uncle to give advice or babysit… but I love my marriage, I love my husband, and I feel little to no desire for kids. I think we can conquer the world together, grow our careers, explore the world, raise our cat/dog for decades to come, and volunteer/ serve / love those in need fully and completely, without kids. I just don’t see kids as a requirement or bar for living a full life.
PM1 you have a very fair assessment of life for people with kids. It’s one of those decisions that you cannot undo or say it out loud as a parent without being made to feel like you are ungrateful or being unreasonable or irresponsible.
Having had two kids of our own and raised them to be young adults, I can tell you with experience it is no walk in the park. Having kids tests you in every which way, your physical and emotional state, your marriage, finances, lifestyle and everything in between. It was worth it, I don’t regret it, super grateful and happy our kids turned out well. But if I were to give advice to my younger self, I wouldn’t do it. I have mentioned to my children there is no need to have babies unless they are 1000% sure about it.
Given the stresses of modern day world, the demands on health, career, finances and above all time, there is no need for every couple to have kids, we have enough humans already to carry on the humankind, no need to add more burden on this planet or themselves.
You can't understand until you have kids of your own.
Some things in life just don't resonate until you personally experience it.
This dog vs kids comparison is sad. Dogs are dogs, and do what dogs typically do. You typically know what to expect. Kids are challenging, and you will learn a lot more about yourself with them than with a dog. Every day can be different.
Pro
For me - there is no better feeling at the end of the day than when my little one comes and gives me a hug and says he loves me. The love a parent has for a child is unlike any other and I would never want to go through life having not experienced that.
I agree with this!
Really interesting thread. I’m not sure this will resonate, but my wife and I spent a lot of time discussing whether we could handle the loss of control, and whether we were mentally prepared to give up parts of who we were.
Friends who were parents, books, podcasts, etc. all love to talk about ‘how humbling’ childbirth/rearing was. As two pretty obsessive people, we had to sort of verbally commit that we wouldn’t allow parenthood to become a new measuring stick and that our relationship was priority. This helped diffuse our perceived stakes of parenthood and made us question if we would enjoy living a messier, less planned out day-to-day. Not to sound ridiculous, but getting a dog was ‘my dry run’ and I thought the experience was richer than the loss of control. Weekend, vacation, career, etc. planning is all more complicated, but there’s a huge upside for me in caring for something other than myself.
The identity front is harder, but I compare it to marriage. I think people spend a lot of time ‘trying on’ being married through dating, social signaling, moving in together, but at a certain point you have to mentally commit to the narrative without truly knowing if you’ll feel trapped or empowered for the duration of your marriage. You might have already done this, but watching friends kids for a week, traveling internationally with friends and exclusively spending a lot of time with young families was a helpful litmus test for us. Like others, we thought trading some of the cool, successful, ambitious vibe was worth it. Still driven, but Diaper bag wipes the cool off…
I suspect most can find happiness in either situation - more need to figure out if you’ll really regret either option.
Seriously, a dog cannot be compared to a kid. Say it with me again, a dog cannot be compared to a kid. Again, a dog cannot be compared to a kid. You're welcome.
Chief
I wish more people took the time to ask and ponder this question.
Thank you for posting.
Mom of two, here.
If you’re not inclined to have kids, don’t. Yes the joy is amazing - kids are hilarious and mind blowing and it’s hard to fathom that these little people can do so much independently. But also, there are SO MANY trade offs, on your time, personal freedom, and financial freedom, that you really don’t want to be in the future thinking: “I f*#%ing knew I didn’t want this”.
It’s like when people say, how do I know if I should have a 2nd or 3rd? It’s if you feel there’s someone you know that’s missing from your life.
Follow your gut - it’s better than any pros/cons list.
I am late 30s male and was so ready to have a baby. One month in and yikes it’s a lot of work and I’m not even doing most of it so I can’t complain. Sleep is hard to come by for my wife and although I sleep, it doesn’t feel as restful anymore. Got too much into the weeds but although it’s work I know this phase is temporary and even anticipation of the joy of seeing her grow up is worth it.
So I can have someone to leave my fortune to
If you don’t feel strongly about having children, I would steer clear! It takes a special kind of person to be a good parent. I struggle with being a career focused person and being a great mother. I don’t like to do anything half way but sometimes I feel that my kids only got part of me..
We don't have kids and its weird because I feel like we have to justify to people why we don't, whereas no one asks married people to justify why they did.
For us, we have never felt the desire to have them, even though external pressures say we should. So until we both say yes, we 100% want to do this, we aren't going to. Also, our opinion is that we would adopt if we ever want kids, so that has removed all biological time clocks from our decision.
My dilemma (at least for now) is not the justification I need to provide to other people. It’s about figuring out with the help of others what decision criteria should I consider to make this decision
Pro
43F. I was pretty convinced I didn't want to have kids for many valid reasons, some selfish (free time, wanted to travel more, sleep freely, etc) some almost philosophical (meaning of life, sense of bringing new humans to earth, etc). Then got a surprise pregnancy at 29. It was pretty devastating back then and seriously considered aborting. Sat down with partner and had a very hard conversation about this decision, going through all of the above and the actuality of having an abortion now that we were already pregnant, and the impact that would have on our relationship. We decided to have the kid. We absolutely stopped at 1. Here are some of the things I remember considering in favor of having the kid, back then:
- since we were already pregnant, Only alternative we saw as available was having an abortion. I was ok with this for the most part. My partner said he'd support me, walk with me through it, but he was also very candid about how this would be very hard for him emotionally and that although he couldn't know in advance how it would impact our relationship, he had a sense it would. We talked about this at length, the decision of abortion, and it was a big factor, probably the main one.
- to be honest, I never dreamed of having a child, or imagined it. But even when I was sure about me not wanting to have kids, I had this awareness that my body was able of producing and nurturing new life, in only 9 months. I am not religious, but this idea of going from nothing to human in such a short time, I find absolutely amazing. There definitely was this curiosity of experiencing this. I think this will be my only life, and this particular event of creating new life seems like such a basic but at the same time awe inducing experience as an aware being. So although this was not my ideal decision, now that this life had already started in my body, there was this strong curiosity about having this experience to completion. Experiencing this first hand.
I'm having a hard time putting in words what pushed me, but this was a very important point for me. A primal curiosity about experiencing pregnancy and parenting, as a basic experience of having lived. In a very animalistic sense.
Anyway. After going through it, I have to say that I'm glad we went through with it, on a personal level. But I still find perfectly understandable and rational to prefer to not have kids. In particular as related to the above:
The relationship with my partner definitely has strengthened after having the kid. Parenthood is a joint project unparalleled with any other we have embarked on, and we have had plenty other projects together. I'm pretty convinced our relationship would not have made it through an abortion, and although it has been incredibly challenging, it is stronger than ever now.
I'm very happy about having had the experience. Pregnancy and parenthood is truly quite unique, and I've learned and experienced things about myself that I wouldn't otherwise. For example, during pregnancy I had some very animalistic cravings that were not rational at any level, particularly about food intake. I enjoyed that and felt very curious about that. Like on an animal level I wanted/needed to eat meat (which I hadn't in years), then later found I was anemic. I didn't think about this, or wondered if I had all the nutrients. I literally woke up one day and ravenously wanted to eat meat. Realizing I have this instinct and experiencing it was awesome. And then there's parenthood, which is incredibly challenging, but also had brought experiences that I wouldn't have had another way. As an example, I really enjoyed during the early years understanding how this kid was experiencing the world in such a different way than I was, and sort of remembering that. It's opened a lot of that different perspective into adulthood, which I have enjoyed a lot.
I'm not sure if this answers what you expected. But basically, perfectly ok and understandable to not want kids, and if that's the case no need to find reasons. But this is the path on how someone who felt the same way ended up with a kid.
Enthusiast
Early 40s female here and never had children, and do not regret it. I never had the biological urge to do so, and luckily married a man that doesn't want kids either. There's no right or wrong answer for your life, but if I may give some advice, please make sure your partner feels the same way you do about kids. There's a lot of heartache involved when both partners are not on the same page regarding kids/family.
Tbh it’s something you should have discussed and decided before getting married as it’s a fundamental shared decision. We wanted two bud we’re only able to have one. I have to tell you as a M. Being a father is the most fulfilling and at times challenging thing I’ve ever done. Watching my wife be such a great mother is amazing too.
You’ll make your own decisions together (albeit a bit late). And so long as it’s a shared decision it will be the right one for you both.
OP I am 35F and was on the fence too. My husband and I have a very strong relationship and honestly felt like we would be happy either way. Also had concerns about the significant lifestyle change as well. I finally came to the conclusion that ultimately while I might never feel “ready” I couldn’t imagine life without experiencing being a parent. We got pregnant shortly after and it’s funny I’ve actually been less stressed overall since finding out - something about just knowing the plan and that we will figure out parenting together has been very calming. TBD on how things go when the baby comes!
I’m a 42 (M) and have been married for almost 10 years now, never wanted kids and knew that early in my 20s. My wife and I like our life the way it is, being able to do what we want when we want and spend or save money to fund things that are important or exciting to us.
Changing my lifestyle to having to get up early, feed kids, drop them at school, help with homework, take them to soccer/ballet/piano/football/whatever practice, host kids parties, etc. all sounds exhausting and uninteresting/unbearable to me. I have no desire to let my life revolve around children’s activities or needs. I also find kids rather annoying.
When I compare how I get to happily spend my time and money vs. how my friends with kids are forced to spend their time and money, I never regret my decision and am never envious. Rather, the opposite is true more often.
I was on the fence. Then I got a medical result back that basically said I can’t ever have kids. I was devastated by the news and it made me realize how much I do want to experience having kids. Luckily the result ended up being wrong. After that scare my husband and I decided it was something we wanted. Now I’m pregnant.
I do not want kids. I don’t have the patience. I also want to be able to enjoy my life and not have to worry about how a decision that is best for me might affect others. The state of the world and climate change is scary… in my college stoner days, I believed that our generation will see the end of the world. I believe that a little less now but I feel like within the next few generations the world won’t be livable. I don’t want to be around when clean water and air will be hard to come by. I know this may not happen, but what if the rich hoard essential resources? Like I said, stoner college conspiracy days… but still!
Pro
I never felt the desire to have kids (am a man). I could barely deal with babies and in general still find kids exhausting.
As time went by I also saw my close friends and my family have kids and while I haven’t been active in raising them, I ended becoming the sounding board for my friends/family, and that eliminated all desire for me, mostly because parenting is a damned if you do and damned if you don’t scenario. I see my friends being tired and constantly worried about the future, whereas I’m actually fairly content about how the world will unfold.
Here’s a random example, my friends 12 year old has a weight issue. However, if you become controlling of her diet and force her to exercise she hates you and basically it’s you being a constant ass*hole to her and watching her like a hawk, which led to her hiding food and eating. On the flip side, if you let her be, she keeps getting bigger. They tried external ideas (as much as they can afford) and right now just gave up. The kids is developing personality issues and is being bullied a bit and avoids things already. My friend literally said, I’m watching my daughter develop an eating/weight issue in front of me but I’m helpless to fix it.
The above isn’t some dramatic story and not some extreme, this is upper middle class suburban stuff.
Taking responsibility for an adult for the rest of their life is a lot of work. That’s just what it is.
Amazing and so true. Everyone idealizes this perfect family and perfect kids, but being imperfect, we soon find that our kids can develop issues, no matter how well they were raised. I think babies are innocent enough but once these kids become teenagers, they become their own, with their anxieties, disorders, unhealthy thoughts, issues, and they are no longer perfect little babies. And this adds so much stress and pain to their parents’ lives.