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Take a breath. You are safe, you are home, it happened. Time to focus on moving forward and not dwelling on what happened.
Think about what you would tell a friend in a similar situation and then offer that same kindness to yourself. It’s already hard enough without the added pressure of being hard on yourself.
Put your hand on your chest and tell yourself “it’s ok sweetheart” - it sounds silly but trust me it helps to start feeling better.
Pro
Such good advice. We don’t realize how hard we are on ourselves and how important self-compassion is.
D1 nailed it - had this exact conversation with my therapist this morning where she was basically like “I understand you’re feeling down, but why are you also being so cruel to yourself?” Treat yourself like a friend - we are so much more compassionate with others than we tend to be with ourselves.
Give yourself space today to sit with your feelings. Then once we’ve stopped the spiraling, we move to steps to address the core concerns. As someone who used to struggle with alcohol abuse (dismissed as college fun) and frequently had to sit with the shame and anxiety of dealing with the aftermath... I feel so much for you right now. It’s very hard to experience and hard to ask for sympathy or forgiveness. I hope that with some time your friends will be able to forgive you, but you’ll have to show that you’re taking steps to get help. For today, focus on yourself.
Pro
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would recommend trying to step away from work and/or whatever other environment is causing you stress and focus on yourself for a little while. Perhaps therapy to talk it all through and help you get on the right path.
Pro
Could you provide more context?
Not clear from your post the meds you experimented with, why you blacked out etc.
Did you go on a drug/alcohol bender?
Difficult to give advice unless you provide specific info but superficially, looks like you have a substance abuse issue. I'd say identifying and acknowledging the problem is the first step. Then, if your behavior has upset friends, you should apologize and tell them than you accept responsibility and will work on your issue. Finally, seek therapy to talk through your problem, identify the root cause(s), and work with your therapist on future course of action which would be therapy or/and medication.
DM me if you want to talk. Take care.