{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Recently I found out a male colleague was complaining about me to a female colleague and she finally had enough of it. She told me what he was saying, and I shared this with my boss. She decided to pull me and him on a zoom, he denied it and now he won’t talk to me. His emails are weird and it’s uncomfortable. Any advice? He refuses to talk about it.", "post_id": "6283919f73a3ec002ceebea8", "reply_count": 16, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "58f82c12c1ca28001625de38", "bowl_name": "Female Bosses", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Recently I found out a male colleague was complaining about me to a female colleague and she finally had enough of it. She told me what he was saying, and I shared this with my boss. She decided to pull me and him on a zoom, he denied it and now he won’t talk to me. His emails are weird and it’s uncomfortable. Any advice? He refuses to talk about it.

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Too vague for us to give advice. Is this colleague a junior / direct report or peer? What was he complaining about? How are his emails weird?

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Did you have a conversation with him about this? If it was a collaborative effort, I would think he’d be more receptive to it. Did you let him know before you started training your team? Did you get input from him on what your team could focus on that would help his team the most? Do your teams work together? Did you talk to your manager about doing the cross training? Your intention might have been good, but if you made the unanimous decision, it could have been a misguided effort.

For example, if his team is overworked, he could have been working on expanding his team and having a different team try to backfill because they have capacity (right now) could derail his efforts. There are a lot of factors that could be involved here that you don’t know about.

If you want it to be less awkward with him, talk to him one on one, be direct about the awkwardness, let him know what your intention was, and get his opinion on the situation, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you from this point on

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As difficult as it may be, I would continue on at the exact same pace and temperament. It seems clear that this person is lacking professionally and your boss is aware of it, so the best thing you can do is display that professionalism to him by communicating “knock that crap off, and let’s get back to work”.

But kudos to your female colleague and boss for throwing this out in the open, it’s the first step in establishing that the behavior is unacceptable.

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Sounds like he’s insecure and worried for his job. Territorial behaviour but there is nothing you can do about it. As others have said, continue being professional. If needed, document what you were trying to do (cross train to creat capacity) in an email and get on with it.

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I’m in the same boat as you. I personally chose not to care and just keep working. At the end of the day, you can’t control what others say or think about you, but you can control your good work. Keep going! This is just noise / distraction.

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The thing is, I’ve always couched my approach in the way I described, and to my face he was supportive. He never once indicated any kind of concern to me or our manager. Do I just continue on and not care? We have been colleagues for 8 years and (at least I thought) we were close.

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If he’s not actively making your work harder and is (on the surface) agreeing with your decisions, I’d ignore it. His decision if he wants to privately grumble and not talk to you about it.

I’d also question the intentions of the colleague who told you. Were they genuinely trying to help, or stir the pot?

If he was a kind person who truly seems to be misinterpreting your goals, I’d maybe have a one on one with him to try to talk it out. But hard to say without knowing him.
And then of course put it in writing after, but still risky if he’s not actually a good person who would listen.
He May have felt attacked by bringing in managers before talking to him

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Isn’t this reaction expected?
Most people when confronted about gossiping tend to deny, esp if there’s low trust there to begin with. After that, it’s natural for him to be on guard with you. I would have directly spoken to him alone though and then flagged to my manager that this had occurred rather than having my manager talk to them.
It happened to me in the past with a male colleague too. Time usually soothes their bruised egos but it’s good that you showed you’re not going to take that kind of bs.

You went to your boss not him even though you've worked together for 8 years. You basically tattled on him. He was venting to a colleague and hadn't complained to management. I'd try to approach him directly and just continue what you're doing otherwise.

Look at it this way Cornell, they’ve worked together for 8 years and he complained to her peers instead of talking to her…?

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