Relapsed, damaged my car pretty badly. No one got hurt fortunately but I feel down and broken, again. Why can’t I stick with sobriety it’s killing me

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I have been trying to get sober for 20 years, I relapsed after 3 years, relapsed after 9 years, and I will probably relapse again. Why? Because I am an alcoholic as described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have a disease that tries to convince me that I do not have a disease. When I surrender myself to the truth that I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable, I have a really good chance at picking up another 24 hours. When I let my ego think that I have got things under control, I have a really good chance I will pick up a drink. It is really that simple.

Every time I relapse, I drink more in both frequency and volume and my lows get lower. Every time I relapse it is harder to pick up another 24 hours. The DTs are worse, the anxiety is worse.

I used to think that relapse was failure, and now I realize that it is just part of my story. It isn’t something to beat my self up about, because that just leads to a blackout.

I owe everything good in my life to the periods of sobriety I have collected in the last 20 years, and I have a lot of good things in my life. I know that I can lose them all if I pick up.

I picked up another 24 hours today, and God willing I will pick up another 24 tomorrow. I am not sure if any of that is relatable for you, but it is helpful for me to put thoughts into words. Thanks for letting me share.

likeuplifting

I'm not saying your viewpoint is wrong, but, it's interesting how I have a different perspective. I feel that I am 110% more powerful over alcohol. I am not a helpless victim, I am a survivor. I didn't wake up one day and just become an alcoholic. I learned that behavior over many years of abuse. And I sure as shit could unlearn it. Fear plays a powerful role in many relapses and what do I have to be afraid of? Alcohol is a demon, sure, but I'm a much better person without it in my life. When you're in the thick of it; it's hard to see the spell it has on you. But, when you take those steps, you start to become more free. And now that I've been out of it for 2 years, I don't see any possible reason why I would ever drink again. There is absolutely no value added to anything involved with alcohol.

Little wins. Don’t forget your small wins. Being in law is tough and perseverance… I think the small things need to be accounted for to encourage sobriety and positivity. If you got your coffee ready for the a.m., made your bed, planned your top 4 things to get done tomorrow, you’ll feel empowered. And then, you can remind yourself of how many things you’re capable of!

likeupliftinghelpful

I’m sorry your going through that, thankfully your ok and no one hurt. I suggest if you aren’t in AA already go to a meeting. There are many good zoom meetings, and I think National Headquarters AA out of New York has a list of 24/7 meetings online. If you have a sponsor call them, phone list use it. I have several 24 hrs and it literally is one day at a time. This may sound harsh but you’ll be sick and tired, of being sick and tired. I had to hit bottom and I was spiritually and morally bankrupt. I was willing to do what I needed to do and what was asked of me. I’ll say a prayer for you, you can do this. Get to a meeting, talk about it. God speed

likeuplifting

I think there is great wisdom in these comments. I’m not sure I can add anything other than my support… one day at a time. Sending you a big hug.

likeupliftinghelpful

Read these first two pages: https://www.aa.org/sites/default/files/2021-11/en_bigbook_chapt11.pdf

If those two pages hit home, then the car accident could be the best thing to ever happen to you. Don’t forget:
- You’re alive
- You have a desire to live a better life
- You’re not alone
- There is hope
- It takes hitting bottom to surrender to a life of recovery
- “A life of recovery” happens one-day-at-time, and we can do anything if it’s only for a day

likeuplifting

It happens. A LOT. What’s important is that you try again. Start every day by saying I’m not going to drink today. I don’t know about tomorrow but I’m not drinking today. Everyone i know has relapsed and they might again. you have an illness and sometimes that illness can convince us we don’t have a problem and we should be able to go out and drink and have fun like everybody else. But we can’t. As shitty as you feel right now, try try again. And remember this feeling. Next time play the tape through to this moment.

likeuplifting

Do you have triggers? Withdrawals or mostly habitual?

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The end of my suffering occurs with the death of my ego. I am reborn when I surrender to life exactly as it is, right at this moment (and it’s always “this moment”). I can begin to grow when I either accept life as it is, or I change my life because I can’t accept it. The better I become at surrender and acceptance, the more I experience serenity. After a long enough time I realize I’ve had a spiritual awakening. Now I am peace / joy / love.

☮️ 😊❤️

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