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Don’t worry about offending MIL and do what’s best for your baby.
Famous last words
Get a nanny.
I would get a nanny anyway and let your mom do 1-2 days a week or when the nanny calls out. 5 days a week is a lot and your mom may realize it’s just too much
I’m in the same situation, we just told my MIL we aren’t comfortable with her watching the baby and would rather have my mom do it.
It’s better to be straight up and set those boundaries. She still makes side comments about it, but I don’t care as long as I have peace of mind when I’m working.
Would add that PWC3 says “we” - make sure this convo is you AND your partner combined with the same reasons
Why can’t you just say your mom already signed on and you guys are working out details now but MIL is welcome to visit whenever she wants
Your MIL will probably be offended but that’s her deal not yours. I firmly believe in doing what’s best for your immediate family (you, partner (if applicable) and kids) and not stressing about how extended family feels. I’d have your mom watch and a nanny for the days she can’t.
Agree. I had a serious argument with my MIL and FIL 7 years ago. For the first 2 years following this incident, I tried to be very fair, and as a result I saw my parents less (because I thought we shouldn’t see my parents more often then his). Then I noticed that my husband didn‘t really care / did nothing to improve the situation with his parents. At this point, I basically stopped visiting his parents and we started seeing mine as regularly as before and that made us much happier.
Subject Expert
Personally I vote nanny because 40 hours of babysitting is brutal and your mom might not understand what she’s signing herself up for. In my experience, grandparents talk a big game until they have a fussy, squirmy baby for 8 hours straight and then the excuses start flowing. Plus being able to use grandparents for nights and weekends is nice.
Otherwise I’d have your partner deliver the news to his mom :)
The baby needs consistency so mixing it up is not in the best interest of the baby. I’d let her know that you previously had an childcare understanding with your mom but that you appreciate the offer. Maybe let her know you’d appreciate being able to call on her for backup and help on nights/weekends. Maybe use her as a moms helper - can she come nights and weekends to help out while you’re home but have chores?
Mentor
It's the other way around for me, but I can relate. I can't wait till my MIL comes here to support us. Bless her soul. My mom acts like a princess descended from the heavens to play with my baby, while I cook custom dishes for her happiness, clean, work, unpack moving boxes, furnish the house, pump and die. She doesn't care how tired we are, that I had a traumatic delivery, that hubby and I are stressed at work or anything. She's unreliable. Thinks letting baby fall off the sofa because she's lost in her Netflix show is okay. Or screaming loudly at my dad with baby's ear next to her while holding him is fine. 🤯
I've flat out had to lie saying she's welcome to come play for the holidays but after that we need our space, because she's way more work than she is help. The nagging and negativity add to the burden. We are just going to power through till MIL comes in spring.
Yikes! If it were my own mom, I’d tell her to back off. It’s bc she’s my MIL that it’s a delicate subject and my husband conveniently decides to stay out of it
Coach
Well you could turn it around and say “what a nice gesture that you offered to watch our baby, that is so sweet. But honestly, we don’t want to put the added stress on you because of A,B,C”. You could mention her doctor’s appointments or other things she would have to give up by committing to what would be a full time job. I would also get a nanny or at least a relief person for your mother because she might need a break too.
Mentor
Do you trust the MIL for certain tasks? Or just not for 40 hours a week? Like could the MIL do 1 day a week (honestly your mom might need the break), or maybe the MIL could take her to an afternoon class when she’s a little older (like a mommy and me type music or swim class). I personally wouldn’t want my mother or MIL to serve in a nanny role, but, just saying there could be a happy medium to have your MIL involved 😀
So, the most important thing is that you and your spouse are comfortable. Does your partner also agree that you MIL is not responsible enough to watch your child? If that’s the case, your spouse can handle their own parent. I would simply say carve out special time for your MIL to spend time with your child, but do not feel bad that you aren’t taking her up on her offer. At the end of the day you need to know that whoever is taking care of your child is responsible. You can always tell her it’s already covered abs just leave it at that.
This is a tough one. Who is closer to you? Perhaps you can argue your mom is closer to you? Less travel time for baby? Or you can get nanny for a couple of days and then have mom and mil at your house
What exactly do you call irresponsible...?
Is it just that she makes you uncomfortable with her different style or ... is it something truly serious as in dangerously irresponsible?
You can set a boundary with devices too! It’s ok to ask that people interact with baby the way you want them to. Make a parking lot for devices and ask that she put her phone there when baby is awake.
And for what it’s worth- sending naked photos of your baby to strangers should be a non-negotiable as well. You don’t know these people and your baby can’t consent yet. You don’t know where those photos will end up.
Ultimately, get your doctor's advice, explain the situation, and ask how he or she would judge the level of endangering your child.
According to this you can take measures. Either you continue to tolerate or you have an open talk with her, with the doctor's opinion to back you up.