{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Should I be concerned if I'm dating a guy with absolutely no friends? Not socially awkward at all. He said it never bothered him.", "post_id": "5c74cba6f57f95001f9f0945", "reply_count": 27, "vote_count": 7, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Should I be concerned if I'm dating a guy with absolutely no friends? Not socially awkward at all. He said it never bothered him.

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Posting as :
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I am your guy.

Ive never had a large circle of friends - always 1 or 2 and have lost them through the years. Nothing dramatic but just moving, having kids, not finding time for each other. I also divorced two years ago and lost the shared friends we had. I still get together with a couple of them once or twice a year but don’t have anyone I really hang out with on weekends. I tried finding friends through social media but just didn’t click with anyone. I have a couple of good friends at work but we live in different cities and with kids it’s hard to connect beyond texts and phone.

I’m normal and not socially awkward and can have a conversation with just about anyone; in fact most people would be surprised to find that I don’t really have plans on weekends. Is it healthy? I seem to be all right. I have my kid, my dog and up until recently my SO and the only times I seem to miss interaction is when I go through a bad patch. I don’t consider myself clingy or anything like that and wouldn’t say mebeing like this is a red flag.

There’s a movie, I love you man, with Paul Rudd and Jason Segel by the way that’s exactly on this subject. It’s pretty funny.

likeupliftinghelpful

Omg. I just watched clips of this movie and this is sooo my boyfriend! Wow....and the girl is so me. I need my girlfriends time. I'm living this movie but just not getting married yet.

I don’t think there’s a need for concern if there’s no other red flags and he’s a good person to you/in general, has a job, is a functioning member of society, etc.

I’m kind of the same way myself (had friends growing up, but just didn’t bother to keep in touch with them since I was busy with other things and I find hanging out and keeping up with friends to be more of a chore instead of something fun). I think some people don’t feel the need to have friends and all the obligations/“burdens” it comes with and are perfectly content that way, but still want to find their person, experience love, have a family, etc. :) He may have acquaintance colleagues at work or the friend he texts every few months and that’s all the social interaction he needs/wants

likehelpful

Yes, he does have a buddy at work but they never hang outside of work.

It would mostly make me worry that i would be everything to him. In part meaning that hed want to be with me 24/7 and also that hed miss out on talking about / experiencing different things. Ie my SO has a friend he talks w about math & philosophy, which he cant get from me. That said, If he has his own hobbies and doesnt need to be w you every moment i agree with others who said its totally fine

likehelpful

Yeah... I’d say no close friends in and of itself is not a problem. But if you’re his only source of social interaction this could become problematic further down the line. Like he does he sit bored at home awaiting your return? Or is he good about being independent and keeping his own hobbies?

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Big red flag for me. Everyone needs friends - it involves commitment (especially as we get older and have other things that take up time like relationships, work and family) and effort - just like a relationship Someone who doesn’t have ANY friends signals to me that they’re either lying, or can’t keep them because of selfishness or laziness.

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I’m no psychologist, but the divorce may have hurt his social circle a lot if many of his friends were also his ex-wife’s friends, and in turn, perhaps the way he approaches friendships has also changed?

Like BCG1, I value the way my SO approaches his relationships with his friends. No effort in friendships is pretty weird to me. Also, it becomes a problem if he has the same expectation of you later on (7mo is still pretty early imo)- like if he doesn’t understand why you divide your time between him and your own friends or invest in friendships.

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This post is quite interesting. I’m more like the OP husband, except I’m a female. I rarely hang out with anyone except my wife. If I wanted to go get happy hour after work today, I don’t have anyone to call but my wife. Sad? Sometimes, but it is what it is. On the other hand, my wife is quite social and her job requires her to network and have lunch/dinner plans. I make a conscious effort not to be clingy and have her feel like she is my only social interaction. I take myself out to dinner, I occasionally go hiking with a meetup group and we do have couple friends we hang with. Glad to hear I’m not the only one. I was starting to feel a way about this, especially since I’ve been remote the past month and lost the occasional intersection with the few people I like at work

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I think the fact that you’re asking on here means it already is concerning you. I would recommend thinking through why that bothers you. It’s unlikely to change about him, so it’s more about searching yourself for why and if you’d be happy with a partner like that.

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I am your guy too - I have a very rich, fulfilling and blessed life. If I met someone who found me weird or red flagged me because of this, I’d fine someone else. Someone who would understand why that situation might have come about based on my life circumstances and not judge me for it. If it doesn’t bother him, why is it bothering you?

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Thanks for the note but I am def not offended one iota. Might be cultural differences but I think normal and OK to provide different points of view. I think it offers perspective. Really hope it goes well with your guy :)

Thanks for everyone who shared similar stories.

OP, I have been that person the last 2 years. It was a conscious decision for me. I used to hang out with a large group of friends(+acquaintances). Most of my friends have gotten married or have kids now and understandably their priorities have changed. I try and do things that I like by myself and I’m okay with that (though some may find it a lil weird lol).

But having said that - if he is heavily dependent on you for a social life- I would consider it a red flag. You should be able to pursue things separately. Nobody wants a partner breathing down their neck 24x7. It’s better if you have a frank conversation than to allow it to become a problem later.

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Did he explicitly say he doesn’t have any or he just doesn’t do anything with people over weekends?

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Dating for 7 months. He out right doesn't have any. Anything social, he does with me. I'm over his house the majority of the time. He's been divorced for two years. Not sure if that has something to do with it.

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I am this person too. I have a lot of friends that are not in my city, and because I'm an introvert and highly social at work, my weekends are dedicated time for me to recharge and relax. I choose not to make plans on the weekend, and I'm perfectly content. I do get concerned sometimes that someone would put a red flag on the way I choose to love, but they're not me. I am really and fulfilled with the life I choose to live.

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I’m very similar to your boyfriend and I grew up where I live.

I find not having a large circle of friends to be freeing — and I’ve dropped many friends over the years as I’ve evolved.

If you are concerned I would try asking why he doesn’t have friends? Was he bullied as a child? Does it have to do with how he grew up?

And if you think you are the other women keep in mind meeting friends doesn’t mean that you aren’t

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Exactly. I have a larger “friend” group for parties and going out, but that’s only 2-3x a month. Most of “social friends” and if I’m spending time with someone special I would prefer to just be with that special person
Also keep in mind friendships change as people’s values and lives change. People I enjoyed hanging out with in my mid-20s are mostly out of my life now b/c of my career goals/values

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No. People have different needs for friends or social life. I know amazing people and people who are great husbands but they are not big on the friends front.
Have they moved a lot with their family when they were little, so never got a chance yo establish strong bonds?
If he knows how to be close to you, I won’t worry about the lack of friends. If he doesn’t, than that’s an issue to worry about.

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Or he’s not introducing you to them

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So with travel and consulting most my friends are in different cities and are based on work... so sometimes it legitimately looks like I have no friends. Is it something like that for him? Or is he like the guy in “I love you Man” ?

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How frequently do you see him? Is he from around this area? How did you guys meet? Might you be "the other woman?" Having no friends doesn't make sense. He's either hiding them for some reason (maybe he's not really divorced) or a total mooch or total dick (maybe he cheated on his ex and lost his friend circle that way or ... I don't know. Definitely not "normal." Also, could be indicative of a controlling boyfriend 😶

Plus don't you want to meet his friends? Usually seeing those interactions and getting to know his friends is endearing.

My advice? Turn to Google and do a bit of digging.

My husband and I are both much like SC1 and EY2.

From a friends perspective I have maybe 2-3 that are more than mere acquaintances and we rarely see each other as we live in different states now.

My husband is a huge introvert and is perfectly happy with me or alone doing his own thing. We both feel we get more than enough social interaction through work.

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