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I know I risk getting trolled and harassed for sharing what I’m about to share, but I’m going to so people going through what you are going through, or what I went through, feel less alone.
Many people seem to build their identity around the hardships they’ve endured, and when you criticize a culture that glorifies those hardships, you are perceived as criticizing the very being of the people who built their identity on those hardships instead of their actual personality and interests. Don’t let their shame eat away at believing in yourself and your inherent worthiness of basic human decency.
I left NYC after one year for the same exact reasons you’re describing. I arrived with excellent credit, no debt. I found roommates to move into a place together with, and within months my roommates had taken advantage of me being the only one with credit and basic living standards and all the shared furniture in the house was on my credit cards. They said they would all pitch in their share but they never did. That was a mistake on my part, I was young and believed the best in people, and the city very quickly cured me of that idealism. I saw how many jobs we all had, so it was really hard to demand money owed to me by my roommates when I knew how much we were all struggling to get by and make ends meet so early in our careers.
Just leaving the house to go to work meant spending money—forgetting a scarf in April because I thought winter was over, or my water bottle, needing to buy something to use a restroom in between one job shift and the next, going out with friends trying to build my network, looking good enough to even be competitive for jobs…I left after 13 months with over $10k in credit card debt.
Anyone who says something like “you need to start living within your means” is either on the defensive, or ignorantly dismissive with no idea all the pressures that many of us feel crushed by when adjusting to life in that city…Sometimes you end up spending money you don’t have just to help motivate yourself to get out of bed the next day, because the cognitive and emotional marathon of the city is almost enough to break you. I had colleagues who seemed to have all the energy in the world, and got by with the same amount of money—turns out they grew up in NYC and lived with their parents, or just straight up had trust funds and didn’t pay their own rent.
I realized within that year that I didn’t like most of the people I was hurting myself financially to try to impress. I found that people in nyc believe you have to be miserable for several years to “earn” being treated like a human at work. “You have to do your time” they say over and over. Well, life and career don’t have to feel like a prison sentence.
I realized I had nothing to prove, to myself or to that city. So I went somewhere more aligned with my values and worldview. Somewhere that if you are hired for a job, the baseline assumption is you deserve to be treated like a human because you made it through the interview process. Somewhere that once you’ve been vetted as intelligent enough to sit at a table, you’re expected to participate at that table.
Plenty of cities to be a copywriter in and make a better living in a holistic sense. Cost of living is so much more than just rent. And if you aren’t successful at climbing the ladders in NYC, it might be because the system there is designed to work only by taking full advantage of as many people who are new, young and hopeful. The dream there fully relies on the destruction and burnout of ~80% of newcomers.
If that’s not your kind of dream society, ain’t no shame in walking away. No matter how many jerks think their “suffering earned them happiness and you just haven’t earned it yet”– you’re not a loser for choosing not to sacrifice yourself to their system.
Feel free to DM if you ever need to talk about the struggle in a judgment-free zone. Anonymity is good for that, at least. Keep your head up or find somewhere else you can. 💙🤍❤️
Though I don’t relate to the debt, I often find myself in situations where I’m the first to pull out my credit card for group activities and dinners, knowing that it’s unlikely that I’ll be paid back for a lot of the expense. Not in the interest of impressing anybody, but in feeling a bit of obligation based on earning the most of my friend group (I’m a graphic designer, we’re not talking a huge salary).
It can be really tough to manage wanting to be generous with everybody and knowing when it’s reasonable to hold back a bit or request that friends, significant others, etc pay you back for shared (pre-agreed upon) expenses.
I’d just like to point out that the OP asked only whether anyone else had a shared experience—not for financial advice on how to be/live debt free.
We spend too much time *not* actually listening to what people are asking for and assuming to know what they need instead.
When someone feels alone in their experience advice almost always makes them feel worse.
They might need a solution and you might have great advice. But today? That is not what they asked for.
I had/have this same experience off and on! Mo money mo problems as they say. And NYC doesn’t help if you have the tendency, like me, to want to keep up and present a certain way. For me, it’s about something else entirely so therapy and intensives have helped me. But I level up and then do it all over again. Thanks for sharing this here so I can follow. It’s helping.
Quit playing keeping up with the Jones’s on looking great and having nice things. You need to learn to live within your means. If the people you’re hanging out with are living above your means, cut back time with them. It sucks, but debt sucks worse.
Fwiw I think most people experience this their first year, so it’s good you recognize it and start to rein it in.
Reading some additional context you’ve given- I wouldn’t count some of your one-off costs (moving, furniture, etc) as ongoing costs as you evaluate your budget. I know that’s scary to see on your credit card but they’re not repeating which is great. Next time you move hopefully you won’t have a lot of those (despite moving just being wildly expensive overall).
Just take a look at where you’re spending more- food, clothing, drinks, cabs, whatever.. and start to pull back from there. Eg cook dinner at home, go to happy hour instead of expensive cocktails at night, plenty of reasonably priced restaurants, capsule wardrobe vs trendy, etc.
Like someone else said, it’s totally fine to say to your friends, let’s go somewhere else and suggest a less expensive place.
Especially when it gets warmer, do park picnics/wine, just go walk/bike around, museums, Roosevelt or Governors Island, etc. A lot of people in NYC place emphasis on eating/drinking, but you can find cheaper or free stuff!
A few things that helped me. It wasn’t super fun, but if you’re serious about getting back on track you’ll have to change your habits. Seriously leave your credit card at home. Give yourself a cash budget for the week, take it out, and that’s it. I found that taking mine out on Fridays gave me the ability to do some fun stuff on the weekend, but always had the (tiny) pile of bills as a real reminder I couldn’t go crazy. I kind of tried to hack my social life so I was driving the decision making on what things cost so Id feel less pressured to spend. If people were going out to dinner, I’d make up an excuse and meet for drinks before or after. I started inviting people to dive bars or organize big group picnics so stuff wasn’t as spendy. And If I had a spendy thing to do, I’d kind of save up in anticipation by having a ‘buy nothing’ week beforehand kind of as a little game or challenge to myself. I realized that truly nobody pays that much attention to what I wear and cut way way back on buying clothes. If I spend time on my hair and face , my clothes are all kind of simple and few like nobody really notices. If I really wanted to buy something nice, like a new bag or boots or whatever, it came out of my cash and I’d have to either save a bit or not do social stuff for a while after I bought it. You can get REALLY creative to keep food cheap - but all of this, you gotta be dedicated to the approach - in the end you’re doing it because the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices. It all becomes habit and enables you to feel like you can still have a really nice life if you’re conscious the rest of the time.
As someone who also lives in NY, it’s really difficult to have any type of social life while trying to pay down debt and save money. I completely relate to you - I’ve been living in New York for a while, but within the last few years, it’s almost nonstop spending, even if you try to cut back on a lot of things. I’ve cut back on social activities and budget the heck out of everything and still find myself in a similar boat. Hang in there - hopefully we’ll both pay our CCs soon
This happened to me when I moved here ten years ago! It’s a common occurrence! One nice thing about nyc is - the $$ struggle is real for everyone, so know that you can always say “I can’t afford xyz expensive restaurant/bar this month, let’s grab chipotle instead” (or whatever expensive/cheap trade off you want to use) Everyone understands because everyone else is dealing with it too!
Okay true, I think as I get to know the city better I’ll know how to suggest places that I can afford and actually like. The worst feeling is when someone else chooses a drink spot where the drinks are $18 and tbh not that good lol
And as I settle in a little more, I’ll be more comfortable inviting people over / suggesting things i know a little more about
My advice is: Don’t use your credit cards to live, they’re a huge trap in the US and everyone ends up with enormous debts for the reasons you explained above, and no money to invest.
Put money aside every month in crypto or whatever interest you,
and start investing, even if it’s little at the beginning, get in the habit of making different choices with your cash and start building a financial future instead of spending it on petty items and experiences that will lead you nowhere in the long run.
Yes! Reading Ramit Sethi’s I Will Teach You to be Rich book helped me a lot with this (love the book hate the title)
I also feel like once you establish your wardrobe/ get past that first wave of spending, you should try your best to cut back significantly on clothing + accessories purchases as those add up quickly. Don’t constantly keep up with trends that you’ll forget about in a year 🙏
Maybe look up YT & TikTok vids of fun cheap eats around the city too! There are still cute places to catch up with friends that don’t have to drain your account. Like places in Chinatown
I love Ramit’s book and content on his Instagram and podcast. He is a little less relatable for me personally so I also follow Break Your Budget. Woman in her 20’s who moved from Boston to LA. I personally find her content and where she’s at in her life more tangible. Talks a lot about the importance of saving through investments when you can too!
I was probably my worst self my years living in NYC. No matter how much I built for myself I was constantly just striving to reach the “next level up”. I know a lot of people love “the grind” and that’s 100% fine. But I personally think NYC is toxic. And to be honest if you’re unable to find a balance soon enough, get out. Credit card debt can haunt you for years. NY ain’t worth it.
Moved to the south to a much smaller city working remote. Completely feels like home with people who care about their family and their lives, not their paychecks.
I’ve been struggling with the pressure to say yes to every event, like weddings, destination birthday celebrations, dinners, etc which has thrown my ability to budget the way i used to. i’m relearning. but the larger reason behind it is that i lived alone through the pandemic and i feel like i need to take advantage of social life and time with people because i had been so deprived of it. I also feel more pressure to wear nicer things to work than I used to because I want to impress everyone after they saw me on zoom in sweats for so long. Maybe this is resonating with you, maybe not, but in short yes I’m feeling similarly and I hope (for both of our bank accounts) that the dust settles and you’ll earn it back eventually. We’ve all been through a lot, regardless of your tax bracket, and all of the long term effects are still unknown. Good luck 💕
Okay update: I’ve made a budget and i’ll be getting a referral bonus from my agency in the next few months that will let me pay a good chunk of debt. If anyone is looking for a new job in NYC, DM me. Maybe I’ll get another one and you’ll get a signing bonus
Otherwise I should actually be okay to be out of the hole by like… July
Proud of you! Just take things one month at a time.
Yes, 💯. Lived in NY for almost a decade, and I was barely able to save even once I started making a six figure salary. The financial pressure and the fact that I would never be able to own property finally convinced me to move.
NYC is a great place to find creative inspiration because there’s always something to see or do, but in the long run, it wasn’t worth the stress.
Now that you are there, build your network. Find free/cheap things to do on The Skint or your neighborhood news outlet. Take advantage of the parks now that the weather’s warming up. Give it a year or two and reevaluate after you’ve had some time to adjust.
Just here to say you’re not alone. I’ve been there, and it gets better 💗
Put yourself on a cash diet, and write down ever dollar you spend in a notebook. Just being aware every time you make a transaction makes a world of difference. 10k in a few months is a LOT very fast even in NY, a therapist may be able to help with this too. This is how I stopped over spending.
Ahhh that makes much more sense! Still, good on you to get ahead of this. CBT will help bring awareness to your thought processes and actions to be more mindful, and also help you organize your thoughts and keep your relationship with money healthy.
First off, well done on realizing that this might not be a positive behavior for you. Be kind to yourself. What you could do is sit with the things you bought and play with them. Hear me out. So if your weakness is clothes, spend an afternoon putting together outfits in your bedroom and make a little capsule wardrobe. When you’re out shopping only buy something if you really, really, really love it and can’t stop thinking about it 2 day after – don’t buy it there and then. also ask yourself what it looks like when it’s creased, stained or a couple of months old. Will you still get the rush? if something like meals out is your weakness, then savour every bite. Look forward to it by cutting it down, that way it will remain a treat. And whatever it is, ask a really close trusted group of friends to have your back and be your wing women. Give them permission to check in on your spending and halt you in the moment when you are about to ‘ just add a couple more drinks’ or whatever it is. In other words, find ways to put in place bumps on the road that you’re otherwise about to speed down. Finally, get a banking app that lets you budget things in pots and don’t go over each allowance.
Also also also!!! Go pick up a copy of Alex Holder’s book ‘Open Up: the power of talking about money’. She’s an ex advertising CD who had a bit of a shopping addiction. Book has a ton of practical advice.
my recommendation is to stop using your credit card, don't spend the money unless you have it in your checking account. I lived in NYC for 2 years making less than $45k and it was tough, but I didn't rack up debt. If you have time, pick up a side hustle and pay off your debt, limit yourself to one night of $15 cocktails a month, learn to love a $5 beer, and stop ordering in and taking Ubers. Delivery and taxi services are some of my biggest "silent" expenses and when I have the willpower to cut them out, I save a lot of money!
Also when I'm low on cash, I stop dating casually unless I know the other person will be buying dinner/drinks. I'd rather use that dinner money on time with friends!
I did the same thing when I moved to NYC. It’s in our heads and largely has to do with our own self esteem - which can be hard to hear but helpful once you’re ready to shift that focus on others inward to focus on your self.
Everyone is unique in what they need to maintain life balance. You have everything you need to be successful and you’re good enough the way you are. There’s nothing more attractive than confidence and it’s taken me so many many years but what has worked for me is getting hyper clear on my personal values, then doing whatever I can to work my life interests, friendships, choices, work, etc around those personal values.
I’ll probably always need to balance out imposter syndrome but I’m clear on what I bring into the world snd workplace - and not judging others based on wealth, beauty, style, job, etc is just one set of values I try to by. If someone judges me based on these points I’d rather not have them in my stratosphere so I don’t fill my space with that kind of human.
I had the same problem when I first moved to Dallas. Not as expensive as New York but you want to set yourself up for a good life. I spent a little more on my apartment than I probably should have. I ate out more with coworkers to make friends. I went out at night to make friends. Joined a gym for a fresh start. And rackkked up my credit card.
I know you’re not asking for financial advice so I won’t give any. But I’ve been there. My first year was the hardest. After that I didn’t eat out as much, I had made some friends and we hung out at home sometimes… I moved into a slightly cheaper apt etc and eventually got back to normal spending and got rid of the extra cc debt I had accrued.
First year in a new city especially ny is hard. Enjoy the honeymoon era and then get in a routine and figure out where you need to cut to get your spending back to where you want it.
The good thing is, there are a lot more options for cheap and free activities in spring and summer. Many museums have one day per week with free or reduced admission and since covid, you can reserve these tix online. The met and cloisters are always pay what you wish for NYC residents. There’s free kayaking on the Hudson. Lots of great parks - central, the high line, prospect park, little island. Visit the art galleries in Chelsea on Thursday evening or Saturday. All the NYC beaches are free and accessible by subway or bus. There are a ton of food halls and things like smorgasburg which have a variety of options in one spot, I wouldn’t say those places are necessarily cheap but they can accommodate a range of tastes and budgets.