{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "So I am contemplating quitting consulting and becoming a stay at home mom just because it’s very stressful on my husband (he’s going up for partner) and he can’t always be at home when needed or", "post_id": "5d166275e9a781001caf120d", "reply_count": 19, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "58f81646ae9f610010f869be", "bowl_name": "Consulting Moms", "feed_type": "bowl" }

So I am contemplating quitting consulting and becoming a stay at home mom just because it’s very stressful on my husband (he’s going up for partner) and he can’t always be at home when needed or

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Oh and whatever you decide, don’t quit until after your paid leave. It’s a benefit you already earned.

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I am on maternity leave wife my second child and also have a 2.5 year old toddler. Sometimes I also contemplated the SAHM route, but before I did I wanted to use my mat leave as a ‘test period.’ Can I do this ALL THE TIME? It is incredibly hard balancing a baby and a toddler, am I up to the challenge? Will I miss work? Since I am on mat leave and able to do more activities with my toddler, can I see myself hanging out with the other SAHM’s? My conclusion was ..no. I’m going to keep working. So my recommendation to you is also use mat leave as your litmus test.

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I'm also on mat leave with my second, have a 2 yo. We need the dual income but more importantly, my husband and I talked about it and neither of us could stand to be stay at home full time. While you have Deloitte on your resume, I wouldn't underestimate the effect of taking a 5 yr break. You could probably get hired again but not at the level you might expect to be - would you be ok with that? Would you build up resentment over time against your partner for not having to sacrifice his career while you watch your own achievements be undervalued in the marketplace because you took on the (very hard) job of being a full time parent?
Also, there are other options other than nanny if you want to explore them. Your toddler is almost preschool age, that'll be different than having one person watching her at home. What about daycare or home daycare? Could you do reduced hours at work (e.g. work 60% or 80%)? Lay all the possible options and combinations out on the table and be honest with yourself about what YOU would want, not what your husband or MIL wants.

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I sometimes wish I were a stay at home mum and spend more time with my son but the truth is 1. I would hate not progressing in my career for those years 2. Most importantly I wouldn’t feel equal to my husband if I didn’t earn money (we have the same salary and have always split 50/50) and I’d be scared for the future in case something happen (divorce, disease...).
Bottom line it is your choice and it really depends on what your values are and what is important for you. Don’t feel obliged to do it, by people around you, by your MIL or just because you want to help your husband be promoted.

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Have you thought about part time / flexible work + daycare? Might be a good midway solution without disconnecting from your career, adult life and financial independence. Test to see if staying at home is really for you. Don’t underestimate the difficulty of going back in the game once you leave. The moment you’re not employed you lose a lot of leverage for new jobs. And career breaks are not regarded that positively, although it’s probably not fair.

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Oh, and another thing you should discuss with your husband. Think very long and hard about what your monthly cash needs will be. I’m not talking about groceries, gas, child expenses but what about what YOU need for things like shopping trips, massages, your hobbies, hanging out with the girls, etc? Since you are working you probably fund this yourself, but when you will become dependent on your husbands income he needs to understand you have these needs too and you’ll need to quantify them (eg, $$x/ month for YOUR personal and discretionary spending)

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AND. just like personal spending money, make sure you also agree how to keep your personal 401k growing.

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Talk with your husband. He’s going up for partner and it is a lot. But would he flex to support you when YOU go up for partner? It’s worth talking about. As stressful as my career is with a family, I won’t quit. I could and we’d be fine. But I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, in a week, or a year. I want to make sure that I am rock solid and able to support my family if I ever needed to. It can hard to get back into it after being out- even with something like Deloitte on your resume.

But that is me. I know people who have made a different choice and are really happy with it. But I would REALLY talk it through and consider taking extended leave to make sure you are good with it for YOU because your husband will figure it out if you want to keep working

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Yeah I tossed the idea around when pregnant with #2, but like EY1, staying home with two is not something I'm capable of long term. I'm don't buy into ”being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world” mentality, but it definitely is hard in ways that I personally am less equipped to handle compared to my "hard" consulting job. If you don't want a nanny, what other alternatives do you have? Daycare?

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Hire a nanny. Almost half my income goes towards it, but it's worth it. I went through my church, she just retired and use to be a teacher. Of course, still do a background check. It's really hard getting back into the corporate world once they start school. Hope this helps.

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Been through this before... Keep working until he crosses the finish line. DH had a rash of bad luck and lost an account during his promotion year which delayed the process. The first couple of years after Partner you may see a downward adjustment in what he can draw vs. his former salary. It was too late for me to get my old role back by that time, so I had to start fresh in a new role to help bridge the gap for a few more years. I don’t regret it now but wish I had stuck it out and taken an internal role when I left the first time.

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Out of curiosity why so opposed to a nanny? If you find a good one, they are worth their weight in gold. Sometimes shelling out the money for a higher end agency is well worth it in terms of the quality of the people you get

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I feel like there’s a middle ground between working and quitting - could you explore internal roles? Part time? There are options that could be less impactful in the long run

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Really agree with this. If you WANT to be a SAHM...there is great and you should go for it. If you WANT to keep working but need to take your foot off the gas pedal for s few years, internal roles (part time or full time) can be a great option. I run an internal program and the work is meaningful. I’m on the slow track for promotion since it’s internal, but I have the flexibility my young family needs and have a great network for when I want to pick up the pace again.

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regularly. I told my mom who said I shouldn’t quit in case he doesn’t make partner (or it could be hard for me to find a job after staying home for 5 years but Deloitte is on my resume so I’m hoping I don’t get dinged for taking a few years break and find something in industry) I’m worried and don’t know what to do. It would be less stressful and good for my girls if I stayed home (I’m pregnant in 3rd trimester and have a 2 yr old). I told my MIL and she said I should be grateful to get the opportunity to stay home and tell my husband thank you for supporting me to do so but I don’t feel like doing that ...I feel worried that I’m screwing up my career and angry that I won’t progress in those break years. By the way we are against nannies bc we have had some bad experiences. Thoughts? Am I being selfish?

Test it out first. Also, MIL may end up reminding you in different ways of how much her son brings home and takes care of you and your kids.... that’s her son. Think of you first, and cash flow and how much money you’ll need. Having Deloitte is great, however I just moved to industry and when I look to hire it doesn’t weigh much on my decision if someone was at big firm multiple years ago. Being a consultant myself, I know how and what we actually did and contributed.

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