{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "So I love my fiance with all my heart. He's the most patient, caring, loving man. Our wedding is planned for some time end of next year. But he just got recently laid off and doubts started to creep in again. He has always worked, but always in a dead end kind of job. And this job was his first \"professional\" job and now that's out the window. While I trust in his potential, he's not dumb or anything. He's a bit slow (not very aggressive, quiet). I just keep climbing up the ladder so the gap is", "post_id": "617257480273c0002980a7fa", "reply_count": 23, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

So I love my fiance with all my heart. He's the most patient, caring, loving man. Our wedding is planned for some time end of next year. But he just got recently laid off and doubts started to creep in again. He has always worked, but always in a dead end kind of job. And this job was his first "professional" job and now that's out the window. While I trust in his potential, he's not dumb or anything. He's a bit slow (not very aggressive, quiet). I just keep climbing up the ladder so the gap is

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Yes it will. He needs a stable job to sustain a family. I grew up with a dad that was constantly out of work and it caused a lot of friction in my parents marriage to where they almost divorced many times. Financial hardship is big reason for marital issues. Not saying you need to throw it all away- just talk to him about finding something stable and financially solvent.

likesmarthelpful

Right. That's something I'm trying to avoid. He is trying to find something stable , a job that has a career path. But he's struggling to get one. So I see him trying but he's just not getting any luck so I feel conflicted.

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If it’s bothering you now before marriage I think the resentment/judgement will only grow. He’s your fiancé and it sounds like you really love him. I suggest at the minimum some individual therapy to unpack what’s truly bothering you and if it’s something you can overlook. Once you get tied down legally it may be more of a burden on you if you’re not okay being the breadwinner. I come from a traditional background and want the option to be a SAHM and my husband’s job allows that - this unfortunately would be a dealbreaker for me. However many women are the breadwinner now so if you’re okay with him taking on a bigger role around the house, potential pets/kids, I think it could work as he seems great from your description

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Does your fiancé lack drive (is he okay with where he is?) or does he want to be more successful and is just sort of stuck? My husband (who is older) took a while to blossom. However, he was always kind of embarrassed and it took therapy for him to become more confident and successful. I still make more than my husband but he has a steady job he is proud of (government) and sees a way for him to grow. I do think he is worth more financially but he wants to continue to build on the work at his current job. I say this because I think there’s a difference between being apathetic about his career / work (and then you can feel like your partner is not a contributor) versus wanting to be more successful and feeling stuck. The former may be more problematic in my opinion.

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Thank you for your input! I really appreciate it. It has lifted my spirits up.

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What about him outside of the job and money? Is he a genuine person? Is he a hard working man despite of being naturally slow? Are you guys on the same page regarding other things in life? I would suggest to consider all these things. My husband works for the government, the salary there is so low - it is almost painful to see him struggling with that. But he is the kindest person I have ever met, he is very open minded and makes friends so easily, he is always the first to help and a great dad to our newborn baby. For me (also Asian migrating here by myself) these are more important things than his salary and career path.

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Thank you too! I am currently postpartum and going through my own other thoughts, so that was actually helpful for me to remind myself about myself.

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If you can’t figure out how to respect and value what he does and what his priorities are — yes, that will be a problem. Assuming he isn’t wallowing across huge gaps in his resume or coasting through unsustainably low income jobs, this is wayyyyy more of an issue with you than him.

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More: keeps widening. I grew up in a very traditional (Asian) household where we all graduated with a good degree, with good jobs etc. So naturally I do care and put a lot of emphasize on career stuff. So I feel conflicted at times if I'm wasting both our times? Like we truly love each other but this career aspect just been an up and down rollercoaster. Will this be a big problem that I can't see rn???

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I’ve always been a driven person - I never settle and I’m always hungry for more. My husband, not so much. I’m not going to lie, it did bother me before we got serious and marriage conversations were brought up. I had to come to terms that some people just aren’t motivated by the same things as me or even have the drive to continue climbing the corporate ladder. However a year after we got married and tried to get a house and it fell through (because of his work history) I sat with him in a Culver’s parking lot and told him he should reevaluate his life decisions and if he was complacent with not making moves like me, we would literally be going nowhere which would eventually mean I wouldn’t be happy and the relationship would crumble. Not necessarily an ultimatum but I showed him, if you continue messing around and not get serious - outcomes A,B, & C would occur. The talk worked - he got his act together - works at a better company, is way more driven. Men are dense and honestly need a good talking too to realize what’s at stake 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Honestly, right now there are SO many open jobs and it is almost so easy to get them. The timing is good for him now. Does he have a college degree? Maybe what you can do is to help him clean up his LinkedIn profile, get his resume in good shape, and things like that. He’ll find something!

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What did your SO do before and whats his role now?

I have a lot of connections but very accounting heavy. And I honestly don't know what's out there besides accounting lol. His work experience are just so niche idk how to help out honestly. We've worked together on resume, LinkedIn, he even have a subscription to like a career mentor type of thing. Just not really sure what's the best fit for him out there. I would love for him to get into gov but yea it does take a while and he's cool with corporate too but idk if he's a good fit. He's more gov type personality than corporate. So I think that's why he's struggling to get something in corporate, people can sense it. Yea he graduated a little later than me. And it's true I do feel the pressure because of the "deadline". We already put our deposit down for almost everything so we can't actually call it off but I think we can always push for a later date. Just a week ago I was excited and confident things are getting better with him finally moving closer to me (no more long distance) starting this job until this lay off. And suddenly I'm just going crazy overthinking stuff. Now idk if it's more a me issue lol. I had a failed abusive relationship once and I just want to protect myself from any hurt or "failure" I guess so I'm more hard on myself and everything around me...

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