So I think my long term relationship is too toxic for children. My partner and I have been together since august of 2016. We’ve been engaged since January of 2019 ( not married bc of Covid) But I wonder if we fight too much to have children. We scream and throw things. It’s like he knows I have a “short fuse” and then purposely says things to set me off. I worry that when we have children I won’t want to react in front of the children and so he’ll think it’s ok to talk to me the way he does.

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Sounds like a marital problem, for sure. Smart not to have children until you both can get your toxicity under control. Not fair to raise a child in that environment.

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I totally agree that it is too toxic for children. I command you OP for recognizing it. Too many people do it anyways and the children grow up in it without any choice.

Also agree with others above that having children will drive up any existing tension and conflict.

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I’d recommend couples therapy to get to the bottom of why you both react that way and how you can improve communicating your emotions.
Also, do yo have a wedding date set?

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Yes in three months.

With respect, why do either of you accept this as your reality and permanent way of interacting? (Including you as individuals — “I just have a short fuse” is no way to be and not an end point to your self investigation)

If you don’t have healthy communication and conflict resolution abilities, and are stuck in an emotional flare up, absolutely seek therapy URGENTLY.

likesmart

Consider anger management and counseling. I had a friend like this with her relationship and therapy really helped her. The behavior seems a bit immature too so your marriage likely won’t get better unless you both acknowledge there is a problem and both work toward the solution

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Please do not take this as judgement, but as genuine concern for you as a woman and your well-being as future mother: Kids will mirror every behavior from you. It’s impossible to teach kids it’s not okay to throw things, or scream, or slam doors etc. when you do it. And it sounds like they would be at risk of abuse if you can’t manage your emotions and scream and become violent and your partner verbally and emotionally berates/instigates/manipulates/abuses to get a reaction. Please do not have children at all (in this relationship or any other) until you can work with a therapist and develop better practices for responding when you feel triggered. Do not stay in a toxic relationship if you are not able to resolve these issues and work through disagreements respectfully. It is a negative cycle that will do a lot of damage. Please take care of yourself for your own sake and the sake of your future family.

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I really appreciate all these tips ladies. I walked into his office this morning after sleeping in the guest room and before I could even bring up therapy he was on his company's medical portal looking for providers. It was comforting that there was no discussion about it, we both knew we deserve more and so we have a plan of individual therapy and eventually adding on the martial component. Not that I feel judged but I do want to note neither one us have taken liberties with each other's body. All abuse has been verbal/emotional (but to be fair imagine it probably feels the same) and we desperately need tools to be better.

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Abuse always escalates. Never justify any type of abuse, any level of abuse.

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Good lord, NO, don’t bring kids into this relationship - but why even bring yourself into it? Do you both thrive on the drama?

My first marriage was volatile. We fought terribly - name calling, throwing things, etc. When I brought it up to the (single) clergyman who was marrying us, he said, “some people don’t fight passionately. Some people don’t love passionately, either.” Bad, bad advice - that clergyman is now married and I bet he would give different advice now.

We got married. We had kids. After over 15 years, I realized passionate fighting was not a requirement for a marriage. We finally got marriage counseling, but it was too late. I was tired of living that way and it was clear that too much damage had done. We divorced.

I’m now remarried and much, much happier. Conflict is inevitable - toxic conflict is not. Please get some pre-marital counseling, for your OWN sake. Living with a toxic relationship is exhausting - and totally unnecessary.

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Sounds like you both aren't ready for marriage

likesmart

Good for you for having the self awareness and humility to recognise the problem and your role in it. That’s huge! Agree with you that this is an unhealthy environment for children - do you want to teach you daughter that it’s ok to be screamed at by her spouse? Or teach your son that it’s ok to manipulatively bait his spouse based on their weak points?

As others have said - find a couples therapist who will also work with you each individually in addition to your couples sessions. You and your partner must both be willing to work and change.

Are you able to postpone your wedding?

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Premarital counseling ASAP!! This behavior is going to keep going on through the marriage. You both need to learn how to communicate with one another and if you can't do it effectively, don't get married. And definitely do not intentionally bring kids into a toxic environment. It will only amplify the behaviors.

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Just from the perspective of someone who was moderately fighting before marriage - but not terrible fights - things get worse. Especially after kids. Best intent may be taking place now but I feel the world is large and you deserve peace of mind. Save yourself a messy divorce later and don’t do this.

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Why do either of you want to get married if this is your relationship dynamic? I have married friends who fight this way (sometimes in front of our friend group) and I can’t imagine living like that. We’ve had to separate them into different rooms on occasion and we were once asked to leave a fancy restaurant because their back& forth was so disruptive that other diners complained. Think really long and hard about the kind of life you want in 5, 10, 20 years and then think about whether this person can be part of that life or not.

People don’t change after getting married. What you have is what you’re going to have. A ring, a ceremony, a party, and a piece of paper will not fundamentally alter who you both are.

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You “scream and throw things” and your partner “knows you have a short fuse” and deliberately says things to set you off. Yeah, you’re exactly like that. Maybe you don’t do it front of other people, but there’s no getting away from the toxicity of your relationship. Imagine being a toddler and listening to your mother scream and throw things at your father. Imagine being a tween and listening to your father deliberately instigate a fight with your mother. Again, why do you want to join your life to someone else’s when you clearly bring out the worst in each other?

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From the perspective of the children…
My mom and dad got married a few weeks after she got pregnant with my brother in the 80s. Constant screaming, throwing things, etc. I never saw them kiss or say I love you and they built my dad a separate bedroom when I was really little. I was my mom’s “roommate” till I was 10 or 12.
Please don’t do this to your future kids.
I always wanted them to divorce so they could be happy. My mom finally moved out with me when my brother was in college and I was 16. It would have been so much easier on them both had they not been married that long…

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I can’t postpone, it would be a total cancel at this point. ACN has good insurance I think Marital counsel is key.

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This! Better to call it off or postpone than go through messy divorce later and kids in tow. Fighting parents are very toxic for kids. Marriages that don’t start with this kind of fighting crumble, this doesn’t sound like a right time to start a marriage with this person…

likesmart

Honestly it sounds like YOU shouldn’t have kids if you have screaming fights where you throw things. I recommend therapy, self reflection and meditation.

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