So, I’m (an African) dating a Pakistani girl and her family is not open to interracial relationships. We met 9 months ago, hit it off, and are still talking. She told her family about us like 3 times and they are still oppose to it. She feels culturally pressured to please her family and friends and succumbs to their emotional games, etc. We love each other, have so many similar values, traits (that we are both looking for), etc., and spend a lot of time together. How should we approach this?

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OP: as many people have suggested, she needs to stick up for you’ll. There are no two ways about it. Your relationship seems to be solid based on what you’ve mentioned here. I’m really rooting for you guys! 😊

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As a desi woman in an interracial relationship, she needs to present you relationship as non-negotiable. IMO, the more we try to please our parents, the more they will expect.

They will get over it. If they don’t, that’s their problem. My parents got over it when I made it clear my relationship wasn’t up for debate. If I hadn’t been clear about it, I’m sure they would have tried to negotiate around my and my partner’s boundaries.

For your sake, you’re entitled to a partner who can commit to you and stand up for your relationship.

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I agree.

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How close is she to her family? If they were super close before then it probably isn’t gonna work out

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They have a rough relationship and a long history of disagreements among other things. I suspect that she has some childhood trauma that she’s suppressing. We have been doing great talking about that, therapy, etc. She’s very different from the rest of her siblings and her parents see that as rebellious, etc. Her parents play mind games like acting sad and disappointed until she does what THEY want. She has been putting aside her personal/professional needs to please her parents, and that has gotten really bad to the extent that she avoids spending a lot of time at home. She’s in her early 30s, which is kinda sad to think of. She’s a wonderful woman. She thinks that her family doesn’t actually know her or the things she likes, etc.

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We are in the midst of a Black Renaissance both in Africa and around the world. They better get right or get left. She is luck to have you.

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Thank you!

She’s going to have to choose eventually. Unless you’re confident she’d choose you over her family I would end it sooner rather than later. A friend went through something similar and held on for years just for the partner to break it off because of the family.
Sorry you’re experiencing this!

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Thank you!

That really depends on her. It's a dilemma she has to face especially if her family is strongly rooted to their culture and tradition. It's really hard for her family to change their minds. I don't want to sound so pessimistic, but if her family strongly opposes, she has to choose eventually.

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Frankly, I’m not seeking for her family’s approval and we discussed that at length. She doesn’t want me to as well. They haven’t met me or heard from me. Their reservations are based on culture and race and not logic and basic principles of human decency. I’ve been very supportive and will continue to do that. (We joke about how I’m basically a back-up therapist, and that I’ll send her an invoice for all the sessions we had and are having.) I don’t have a relationship with her family now. That’s something we, her family and I, will have to build at some point, and I’m ready for the worst.

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As long as your gf has your back, treats you well, and stands up for you to her family, don’t worry about it.

If your gf is silent when the family says or implies rude things, it’s time to leave the relationship.

I know my family will be the same way, and I will make it absolutely clear that I don’t tolerate any form of racism or disrespect.

If your gf cannot establish those boundaries now, she never will. Best of luck! And i’m sorry this is happening. You are worthy!

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It's going to cause a lot of issues for you both without a doubt. You will have to decide whether or not you are willing to commit to her even if these emotional games continue to be a part of your lives. It's unfortunate, but sometimes it can take many years before people set the boundaries they need to with their families. And, as an intimate partner, you won't be able to avoid all of the family issues. Like AA1 said above, be confident that she would choose you over them or you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

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Thank you all. You will all be invited to the wedding (iA) 😂

likeupliftingfunny

Ahhh YAAAASSSS!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉

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What generation is she? Does she have siblings? Is she a practicing Muslim?

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I’m Muslim and practicing. They know that. We believe that they will come around. It’s a matter of time

likeuplifting

Honestly, if she's not willing to deal with that for the rest of her life, she's not the one boss.

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It’s rough but possible. Ultimately she may have to chose between her fam and starting a new fam with you, at least in the beginning. The key is not to resent each other

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How is her relationship with her siblings? Are they supportive? Are they also rebelling against her parents?

I haven’t met her family. I wanted to, but they aren’t open to meeting me, which is fine with me. We know this is going to be a big fight, and we have been working on solidifying our relationship and be there for each other and prepare for the day that we tell them again.

I do feel you. The expectations are utterly unfair. Ironically, my sisters are going thru same thing with my mom. I clash with my mom every now and them bc of that. That experience really helps me understand her (my significant other) and be there for her at all times

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This is why one reason why I never date inter-racially. I wish you the best in this situation

@A5, what's your offense/whiny complaint? Is that not a reasonable reason to avoid it? And did I not wish OP the best?

I would break up with her.

For sure!

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