So my mom is a helicopter mom who seems to have planned out my life: 2 yrs at my job rn->2 yrs in a new city->2 yrs at an mba program->get married and pop out grandkids.

We have a very tumultuous relationship (I've always been more "independent and westernized," she is more traditionalist Chinese tiger mom, I went into business vs her wanting me to follow my family into medicine for $$)

How do I tell her I do not appreciate her planning my life for me and discourage future interference? Cont.

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Learn to take those as just “advice” and not something you need to do

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If you crave independence, then you need to live separate from them, & be independent financially.

Write her a letter. Frame it from a position of gratitude, acknowledging that she cares and loves you. Then stop engaging in interactions/conversations where she is discussing what you’re going to do with your life. Stop engaging. And just don’t do it.

Have some plan for your own life. If she becomes upset, calmly say you appreciate her input but you’re not going to fight about it. If she can’t talk to you without getting upset, stop talking to her for a while

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Very similar story here, the only thing that helped me was moving away to another city. Now I see my mother way less and when I do see her in person I just tell her what she wants to hear and her words go in one ear and out the other. Keep in mind that aside from the tiger mom tendencies my mother was also verbally and emotionally abusive growing up. After years of therapy I now keep our relationship very surface level. If this is not an option for you (to walk away) you may have to deal with it more head on. PM me if you ever need to talk OP! Best of luck.

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I find it particularly suffocating because she uses language like "and THEN you can do ___" (eg "after mba, THEN you can get married and then you have to have kids").

I get that she wants me to succeed, but I feel it is overbearing and becoming a toxic relationship where she views my life as her story to write, and refuses to let me pave my own path, and any sign of me doing things of my own regard are shot down.

She also is crazy helicopter in my personal life too ("don't go out past 7pm," "you can't go to bars" - things she has said PRE and POST COVID) and it drives me CRAZY. I don't go to bars during covid because I had contact with my grandparents, but even pre-COVID in college, she would try and control my life from afar.

My path differs greatly from the rest of my med-centric family (something she never ceases to bring up - "you'll be the poorest of your cousins," "what can you do with your career anyways," "will you ever be financially set," things along that route). And, no one has a business background, so a lot of information she gets doesn't apply/is outdated, and yet she refuses to listen to my experiences or acknowledge she may not be the most knowledgeable.

Please help haha. I'm home til the holidays and I really would like to nip the toxicity at the bud.

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I’d like to add that my relationship with my mother became rocky when I took this approach, but now it’s better than ever. Since me putting my foot down, we joke around, laugh, hug etc. Before that she was a general and I was a new recruit

Whole experience taught me to be more comfortable with confrontation tbh though it’s still someone I could work on

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Not gonna lie. I paid a visit to my parents mid project, got a lecture from mom, and kind of blew up and checked into a hotel by the airport saying I didn’t have to deal with it.

Then my dad brokered a treaty by saying she’s not used to you growing up, being independent, blah, and that I just need to communicate more clearly to her adult-to-adult b/c I’ve never pushed back in my life so need to re establish norms etc.

That was when I was around 27. So hope you don’t have to deal with that as long.

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Nuclear option is to straight up put your foot down. If she doesn't respect your wishes, you could give her radio silence and block her. Granted take this one with a grain of salt as I don't have a good relationship with my father

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OP pls don't do this

Echoing a lot of these comments, I’ve learned to let her say what she needs to say and just continue on with my life. Being financially independent and in a another city definitely helps. At some point I had to realize that this is my life, and I can’t live it for her. Easier said than done, and she’s still caught up in my “poor choices” but I’ve started to see a therapist which has helped me reframe a lot of it. (FYI I did a last minute swerve from the med school route to consulting so I get it to some degree)

Told my parents young (around 24) that they had no say in my life when I started dating my now wife. They didn’t approve of her and I said my way or the highway. And it worked. Live your life. Not your parents life, not their call.

Wow I am so sorry to hear parents like this exist more than I though in this day and age for Chinese (or similar background) families. I’m Chinese and I’ve been fortunate enough to not have a mother like that. But before I finished college, my parents were controlling in the way they didn’t allow me to go out with friends, which led me to learning how to go around that by lying about where I really was.

But that said, I’ve heard many stories like the ones mentioned above, and personally, if it were me, I’d dip. As in, I would move out and visit minimal to not at all because that is straight up toxic. We are all grown ups here and who are our parents to tell us what we can and can’t do at this point — especially if we have a bachelors degree and already have a job? You must take a stand for yourself or this will only happen over and over again.

Good luck!

Does anyone understand the psychology of Asian helicopter moms and can explain to me? I get that it’s a whole emotional thing to be a mother, but there are lots of non-Asian mothers who don’t (1) feel the need to control their kids every move until well into adulthood and (2) don’t consider their kids decisions “chance”.

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