{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "So my wife basically said she doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Don’t want to do anything about it. After couple kids, doesn’t feel it anymore. Also said it wasn’t anything I did and there’s no one else. I understand women’s body changes after child birth but can’t help thinking it’s gonna suck being in a sexless marriage. We’re still attractive and haven’t turned into couch potatoes…yet\n\n\nHappy Thanksgiving!", "post_id": "619ee9f935e9290034290b1c", "reply_count": 452, "vote_count": 63, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession " }

So my wife basically said she doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Don’t want to do anything about it. After couple kids, doesn’t feel it anymore. Also said it wasn’t anything I did and there’s no one else. I understand women’s body changes after child birth but can’t help thinking it’s gonna suck being in a sexless marriage. We’re still attractive and haven’t turned into couch potatoes…yet Happy Thanksgiving!

likefunnyuplifting
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Sorry to hear, OP. I’m a very high sex drive woman, but, anecdotally, I’ve found that after living with a partner for a few years, I lose sexual interest in him, and it can shift into repulsion. I’ve heard this from a lot of other women too. Esther Perel has written and spoken a lot about this topic, and preserving desire in long term relationships (her TED talk on this is illuminating). Wednesday Martin also published a book on this recently called Untrue, and she was on the Savage Lovecast podcast discussing the myth that, “men want variety, while women want committed monogamy.” I’ve found, some women might want that initial monogamy for a little while, but they actually are more likely to ultimately feel stifled by life long monogamy than men are. So, I guess it’s about what you can do from here? I’d be curious to know if she still masturbates or fantasises on her own, as this suggests she does still experience desire. Also, when you two got married, you presumably did not sign up for a celibate relationship, so this is a change in terms, and it is reasonable to be upset about this. If she no longer feels comfortable being sexual with you though, then the role of a counsellor may not be to get you two having sex again, but helping you do what marriage is all about - which is, reaching a compromise, that accommodates you two as partners, and your family. Wishing you well.

likehelpful

I honestly think that there is a misunderstanding about why or how sex happens in a relationship. Even though it’s a physical act, it is very often blocked for psychological reasons. Sometimes couples become so close, like absolute best friends, that they stop feeling drawn to each other sexually because you burb and fart in front if each other and the sexual mystery is gone. The question I have for you is how frequent are u expecting it to happen? And when you initiate, are u doing the same old stuff? Personally I have found that I can’t get turned on when my boyfriend just says he wants to have sex. He needs to really get me going now, because it’s almost a turnoff for me now when he doesn’t grab me, kiss me like he can’t take his hands off of me, and spend time really getting me hot and bothered. Just saying “I’m horny I want you” while flattering, I don’t budge an inch and don’t feel as excited and turned on as I would have four years ago. It’s just … it’s too comfortable and familiar. I need excitement. Kiss me by pinning me up against a wall excitement. So, I am wondering if it’s possible you need to get creative and really be vulnerable and try to turn her on - not make her say yes to sex before she’s even hot and bothered. I hate that. I hate having to say “yes ok let’s have sex” when he hasn’t even tried to get me going. I’m almost annoyed then and when he touches me it’s like he’s touching random flesh on my body instead of super charged areas that feel amazing (which happens after he gets me going).

likehelpfulfunny

Literally this. Like put some effort into this?! Let’s not forget how some men get too comfortable and stop looking after themselves and stop doing romantic things. I don’t feel like having sex unless I feel hot and beautiful. When was the last time you took her on a nice dinner date? Or went on a trip somewhere romantic? Do you take care of some errands or is she working full time and then doing everything around the house then she’s also supposed to have sex with you?

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She’s still having sex, just not with you. If you haven’t already checkout the deadbedroom Reddit.

likefunnyhelpfuluplifting

Don't check out the deadbedroom if you ever want a shred of hope of being happy again.

likesmart

This thread is an eye opener. I had no idea so many partners, MDs, directors and SMs were not getting laid. At least now there is an explanation as to why some of them are so miserable. << End of rant. Goes back to editing my slides>>

likefunnysmartuplifting

I definitely wasn’t talking about consulting people in particular, definitely more about age of those who’ve been married for some years Although I would love to see what that data looks like in studies between consultants, lawyers, doctors, finance, etc. See if there’s any correlation and include also those careers of different salaries and working hours

F here. What you’re going through seems very common with my friends. We’re just tired by the monotony of the relationship. We do love our husbands, but it gets boring. But we’re not addicted enough that we seek it elsewhere. We’re tired and comfortable. Especially if it’s culturally acceptable to do so. It seems like in the USA it is. A friend of mine said to her 40-yo girlfriends with kids “So - who’s still having sex?!” And they all laughed out loud like it was hysterical. I’m originally from France and it is culturally unacceptable to not have sex with your husband. It is hardwired to try to keep your mariage through sex, or it will fall apart. My conversations with French girlfriends is very different from the American ones. FWIW. Lots of great advice here tho. Really sorry OP. Just wanted to say you you are far from alone, and it’s not you, it’s “marriage and monotony,” no matter the person.

likefunny

I’ve been reading this whole thread and realizing I don’t quite understand why leaving your family with children is considered better or more honorable than cheating. I understand it on paper but thinking about the consequences it does feel a little strange that cheating has been elevated to the #1 worst thing, especially in situations where sex is being blatantly withheld.

likesmart

Female here- she either needs to let you see other people on the side, re-discover her interest in sex, or you need to leave. It’s not fair to you to be in a sexless relationship. I honestly could never imagine being that selfish…sorry you’re dealing with this OP :(

likesmartupliftinghelpfulfunny

I think there needs to be a conversation about how his needs can be met. However, her saying no to sex is not selfish. The last thing on this planet I would ever want is to have sex with someone who just didn't want to.

likeupliftingsmart

Marriage is the biggest scam ever

likefunnyhelpful

SM1, you don't have to be married to have kids. Shall I explain how it happens? 🤣

likefunny

Dying to know in all these sexless marriages where the woman is over it, if she ever genuinely enjoyed the sex.

likesmart

Deloitte 9 - I emotionally distanced myself from him over time as a result of systemic relationship issues and the thought of having sex with him was… super unappealing from a mental and emotional perspective. So it wasn’t a matter of the sex being bad per se (it was ok, like mechanically things happened lol, but nothing like what I’ve got going on now) but more that I didn’t want to have sex with him as a person.

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Is your wife willing to let you sleep around?

likesmartfunnyhelpful

Damn your friend kinda sucks

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I feel you OP. I’ve been married for 2 years and we’ve been together for 10 years. We’re both under 30 and attractive but she doesn’t want to have sex anymore. She basically told me last month that she only has sex out of respect for me, but that she avoids it whenever possible. I honestly don’t know what to do about it, and I am getting more and more frustrated with my relationship. I love her and I love being with her, but the lack of sex is killing me physically and emotionally. Any F fishes have any idea of how to work around this? We exercise, eat healthy, love each other and like spending time together.

likefunny

BCG2 how so? I’m a woman and never experienced this and none of my friends have ever expressed this to me either. So I’m curious to hear your anecdotes.

Dude for the love of God, please, pay for a counselor! You’ll find about 100 different comments here, but the reality is that 99% of us don’t have the proper education and training to deal with it, 96% of us are emotionally immature, and possibly 6% of us have never seen a woman nekkid… don’t trust us!

likefunny

C’mon, they created the app because we are professionals and not people just off the street. We know what we are talking about. 😂

funnysmartlike

I’m in the same situation. My wife’s sex drive disappeared about 6 years ago (she was only 29). We used to have wild sex practically daily. I don’t know what happened. We are both pretty in shape and healthy. Having kids quickened the process. We are down to having sex maybe once or twice a year. I resent her more and more for it. I used to try to get things going but got sick of the rejection. I’ve just given up mostly. The sex was first to go, then everything else about the marriage has fallen apart as well. We are seeing a marriage counselor next week.

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Damn... am 42, single. On the fence now about EVERYTHING!!!

helpful

I do think it’s worth considering you may need to up your sex game. How often does she orgasm when you have sex? Do you use a vibrator/clit stimulator on her? Perhaps you can try having an evening that’s just about getting her off and see if she enjoys that more.

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Try planning staycations once a month. Leave the kids with a sitter or parents. Make dinner reservations, relax, laugh, connect emotionally (doing chores is likely not meeting emo needs). Hold hands. Laugh some more. And then some. Then spend the night away from home ie hotel. As a married woman with no kids but a demanding job (and helping family members do life), I can tell you that this works. It may not be the case for your wife. But worth a shot.

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SC1- sorry that ur feeling the way you do. I love my kiddos and even though they are little devils and make my life hectic, wouldn’t trade it for anything.

likeuplifting

And is she okay with you getting it from someone else ?

likefunny

Well... sex is part of physiological needs on the base of Maslow's pyramid, so she is getting it somewhere (by herself or with someone else)

likehelpfulfunny

As a former dead bedroom member, I was doing it myself 🤷‍♀️

like

What do you mean women's bodies change after having kids? That is such a sexist remark. She is giving you excuses and you're too naive to realize it. You stay in a sexless marriage that's your fault.

funnylikesmart

D14, The tear comment just hit different.

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As a wife with a new baby, you wife is just tired. Get her support and distraction. Make her feel attractive and like an human being again not a cow + cleaning staff; then, things will improve over time. Moms are conditioned not to complain, but I'm sure that she is energy emotional tank is empty.

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Great points, thank you :D

Are their emotional needs being met?

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But are you sure that chores and her emotional needs are the same thing? Recommend couples therapy

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