So trying to figure out how to manage finances when I make more than my male SO. Don’t want to feel like an ATM. Any adv on how best to manage?Appreciate it.

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If you’re committed, what’s his is yours and what’s yours is his. Kind of standard vows no? If you have an alternative arrangement more power to you, but otherwise I wouldn’t push.

Also, who’s to say he won’t make more some day?

(For the record I make like 6x my SO and she spends like 6x me. But hey that’s what I signed up for, right? 🤷‍♂️)

likefunnyupliftinghelpful

I am a male and make significantly more (almost 7x) than my wife. We have one joint bank account and one credit card account with two cards, one for me and one for her. So, our entry and exit points for money are common and we never have to worry about transfer form one earner to the other. We've never viewed our earnings separate from one another and what is mine is hers and vice versa. We are very happy and spending by either of us is not an issue. She is independent to spend and make her decisions. Of course, we consult each other for big spend items, but those aren't really the norm.

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Agree with this completely. I'm blown away by how many married couples have individual bank accounts. Regardless of what you say, if nothing else, it subconsciously says, "what's mine is mine, unless I agree to give some to you."

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My wife is taking care of our two boys. She also makes around $20K a year working from home. I think it’s a miracle. She works so hard, probably harder than I do. I make around $150K but never feel like our situation is unfair. We share everything without counting percentages

I don’t know who posts the stupid comments here, but I am hoping that they are in their early 20s and they are yet to learn about the real life

likefunny

Why do you feel like you are an ATM in your relationship?

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If I’m going to have this kind of arrangement, she will be at least 5-10 Years younger

likefunnysmart

Ugh. Seriously? It’s 2019 folks. How about if she’s taking care of your home, children, pursuing a degree, an artist, volunteering with a non profit or doing any one of a million other things that she’s interested in as your partner and equal, not a sugar baby. Just because someone (he or she) pays for nothing doesn’t mean they are less worthy of respect and it definitely doesn’t mean they’re a sugar anything. I’m disappointed

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When I dated we split everything 50/50 but we made around the same amount. We just had a spreadsheet we would update every month and “bill” each other.

I also know couples who split fixed expenses proportionate to their salaries and then everything else 50/50.

I would absolutely not recommend what P1 is suggesting until you are married and have kids.

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When does somebody move from SSO (somewhat significant other) to SO?

Probably not as funny as I think it is, but I’ve been enjoying curries (and appletinis) for the last three hours. I made three kinds of curry (and appletinis) for my wife because she loves Indian food (and appletinis) and she loves when I cook.

likefunny

Better not get serious with the SO. you’ll always feel like an ATM and resent it. /s

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No I agree with EY1 lol. She’s already questioning it so in a matter of time, she’ll resent him

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I am the male 🐠 in the relationship, so i do ok, but my wife is a dermatologist and crushes my salary right now. We have everything in joined accounts other than some low level credit cards we use for surprises and gifts we dont want each other to know about. She never wanted to worry about bills or investments so I handle all the finances even though she makes more. Works for us, but you may want more control. 🤷‍♂️

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This is a Doctor Foster situation

I make all the money. My SO doesn’t work (I’m female). I transfer several thousand into his account at a time (every other month general) so he doesn’t constantly have to ask me for money. He also has a credit card (which I pay) for groceries and other weekly expanses. Big stuff he typically talks to me about, but then again I talk to him about my big expenses too

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@capco was wondering that too? I didn’t want to keep sounding like a dick but it still doesn’t add up but if ZS1 likes it, I love it lol. Just couldn’t be me but different strokes for different folks.

Depends on what SO is exactly here... someone you’ve been dating for 6 mo is different from someone you’re married to with kids. At the 6 mo stage I would expect a more equitable split (not necessarily 50/50 if one is in school or the earning disparity is several multiples) but I’d be incredibly worried about a married person saying they feel like an ATM to their spouse.
If still early in relationship, you don’t have to pay for everything for them, but you should be considerate of their finances in activities you plan. Just as you would do more modest vacations, restaurants and so on with friends who make a lot less than you. And pay for splurges with your SO as you feel appropriate.

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Guess I’ll be the one to say it but if you have these thoughts you’re not going to change and your marriage won’t last. Maybe try marriage counseling?

likesmart

We have a separate “Bills” account where we pay our monthly expenses out of. Contribution to that account is split proportionally to our income. Everything that doesn’t go to that “Bills” account is our own to spend, but I tend to pick up larger expenses (e.g., a fancy dinner)

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Does SO mean husband? I guess not...

If you are in this mindset, I recommend you not to merry him. For your SO’s sake...

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Isn’t “What’s yours is ours” for only when you are male?

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Be a bank instead. A lot more risk control

likefunny

@c4 no one would question because everyone would assume trophy wife if there are no kids and stay at home mom if there are. They wouldn't question because both most men and women think that either is an acceptable role. Stay at home dad is probably okay for most people but trophy husband still isn't. The OP is obviously not okay with a trophy husband and maybe not okay with a stay at home dad as a SO. That is up to her, not us. Everyone get to make that choice for themselves.

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I find the amount of projection fascinating here. To be honest we don’t have enough basis to elaborate on OP’s situation given the one crucial piece of info was not expressed ie why she feels like an atm. Reversed roles or not, stay at home parent vs “deadbeat” bf or not - no one should feel like they’re reduced to that role. If they do, it tells me there is perhaps underlying issues in the relationship that may need to be addressed.

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Yep - discussing ideas based on statistically probable premises is key, in a absence of a clear basis.

So much for gender equality

likehelpful

What’s atm?

likefunny

In this context it’s Automated Teller Machine

I earn multiples of my partner. We also have different approaches to money and budgeting. Both are very effective, just very different.

As my income grew I took more and more of our expenses.


It's worked really well for us (we discuss it regularly) We both contribute to the extent of our ability and have our own independence too.

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