Soft skills - I’m Indian and I feel I’m too direct. My manner of speaking and writing is no frills. But I feel consulting needs frills and real life needs some softening up. How can I improve on this

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OP: I am an Indian as well and I empathize with your struggle. I can say this: learning the soft skills comes from experience only. Every time you stumble or get a constructive feedback, make sure you pay attention and use that as an opportunity to improve. Also hangout with people who don’t look like you in the weekends. It does help.

likefunnyhelpful

I also had a lot of social awkwardness. I worked on it a lot and most people would consider me socially fluent now. In my case I had trouble communicating at a non-surface level and often missed subtle messages.

Some things that helped me:
- Reading a couple of books on emotional intelligence
- Watching socially capable people and figuring out what they were doing, especially when they went in a different direction than I would have done
- Preparing for important conversations by putting myself in the other person's shoes: What do they want to achieve? What are their concerns? What would make them look good? Etc

helpful

I am also very direct and have practiced over the years to reframe how I speak. It has not been easy and it’s continuous. Some quick tips to start practicing - note some of these might not apply to you, but it’s things that have helped my particular form of directness.

Try to frame requests as an ask versus tell “what are your thoughts on executing X?” Versus “execute X”

Try to suggest - “I am thinking the work might be successful if we execute x. What do you think?”

Never ask “why” something happened or was done a certain way. Makes people defensive. ask “what happened” - sounds like curiosity

Curiosity in other people’s thoughts in general is good - fake it to you make it

Always try to start emails with a pleasantry or compliment. “I hope you had a great weekend! Thanks for your input last week on the test scripts. I was wondering if you might be open to helping write this next batch also?”

Also - I am american with a Lithuanian heritage. Not sure how that applies here but since everyone else was sharing ethnicity I wanted to represent 🇱🇹

likesmarthelpfuluplifting

SC 1 I see that you wanted to share your story. Have you ever tried to see their point of view? I’m not saying they might be right. But do you respect them less because they’re not from us? Only reason I say that is because what you typed above. There was no need to mention where you were born. Between the lines I read that you feel somehow diff or superior or sth over Indian people and it made you mention it on your statement. We all have biases. It’s possible that because you don’t respect your Indian team members and show some underlying bias - they don’t respect you either.
It can totally be that your teams have sucked as well. I mean I know tonne of worthless Jewish, Christian , Asian , Indian etc. etc. people as well. But I don’t generalize it. Just my 2 cents if you’re looking for genuinely wanting to have better relationships with Indian people at work.

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I don’t think that directness is a negative, in and of itself. I’m very direct - east coast city kid. However, I’m professional and mindful of the audience and their motivations and how they will react. I typically get good feedback about not dancing around tough conversations and communicating succinctly and clearly.

My Asian colleagues have expressed difficulty in adapting to the cultural differences in how the Americans and Western Europeans work. India, Japan and some other Asian cultures highly value hierarchy, which translates into different communication styles. Commands are given down the chain and its not customary to question them, especially in a group setting. The US and Western Europe still have a hierarchy, but it defines roles; collaboration and discussion is valued (often, not always... these are macro-generalizations). There are also differences in how men and women interact etc..

OP - I think it’s great that you’re self aware and looking to improve. I would encourage you to think of this not as a personal flaw, but as a tool you want to develop to be successful. The ToastMaster and Speakeasy classes are good suggestions. I encourage you to start with communication patterns (e.g. collaboration questions rather than commands) and build confidence there. The actual delivery in speaking will improve with confidence.

The other thing that I encourage if you’re going to work in the U.S. long term is practicing your writing and grammar. This isn’t specific to Indians or Asians - heck it applies to US born resources, often those with an engineering or technology background. Learning the norms of writing will also help with speaking. For example, when writing documentation, I often see deliverables with good content but grammatical weakness. Common patterns from Indian people, will be that the conditional tense is used. (“The user would click the button...”) typically, the present tense is used. (The user clicks the button...). Another common patter is use of the 2nd person (You then click the button...) rather than the 3rd person (“The user clicks the button...”). Again, this isn’t a personal failure - you weren’t raised speaking English! It’s a tool to wok on to differentiate yourself. It will help in creating well articulated PowerPoint slides for executives as you advance in your career.

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Shadow some folks who are much smoother and culturally in tune with how business is done. Find a mentor willing to coach you as well.

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I am Indian American - these are typical dinner conversations with my parents. I know the struggle.

I don't think there is necessarily a simple answer but one thing that has helped me without fail is addressing the emotions within a room. Whenever I have a hard message to share, I usually come prepared with what each person might take away from it. I try to soften the blow as much as I can while delivering it based on my hunch.

Unfortunately, this process has increased my anxiety levels (mainly because I can't always control the other persons reaction even though I spent a significant amount of time anticipating them).

On the other hand, if I don't this, I tend to rethink/over think all the things I could have done to maintain a better relationship.

Almost a double edged sword. :-/

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I’m direct as well and have to challenge myself during emails to write something nice and non-work related at the beginning (I try for something personal) it is always added at the end of me drafting the email though, so I know it’s not something natural for me. Lately I’ve been trying to add it to my conversations too. 5 min to catch up on life, connect on a personal level before diving into things if we have the time (and I try to make time of things are busy).

People need to feel appreciated and recognized and it sounds like from your reply that you do value people (awesome!) so it’s just a matter of making a conscious change. You’re on the way!!

likehelpful

Yes yes yes!! Wow.
I am not Indian, but born in US. I always hate working with someone (I'm not trying to generalize) who may be from India. Because of maybe 7 or so engagements the softskills are lacking..I just feel like a slave, or not treated well. Or not spoken to in a more constructive way. Idk my two cents. Please realize this is anacdotal and not fact..

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How would it feel SC1 if I said that all people of certain race are just good at soft skills but they are bad at the hard skills such as building excel models! Also that the attitude like yours makes people of such race treat Indians as slaves.

funnylikeuplifting

OP look for opportunities to speak that’s how you improve over time. Also dumb it down - on a lot of occasions technical people use language that is pretty domain specific and isn’t easily understood. I’m indian too and part of the feedback when people point out your communication skills is they are asking you to make it simple. Use analogies where it makes sense. Skip the necessary details based on your audience. As it relates to writing style start with facts, then present issues, somewhere in between mention your conclusion, then go to analysis and finally end with your conclusion. You need to zero in on the conclusion within the first few lines so the reader would want to read your material. Use bullets, bold, italicized etc in ways to make it readable and use short sentences. When you present practice the art of repetition of concepts and art of providing content in 3’s - people tend to remember first 3 things more than they remember the rest. All the best.

helpful

Thanks you!

I’m from Germany but lived in a other countries as well, and I also struggle with being too direct. What I find interesting about Americans is that they seem to talk more abstractly (i.e. more high level) than me. Any ideas how to gain that skill?

Exactly

OP...read the book by Dale Carnegie. " How to make friends and influence people ". It will help

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