Someone told me I’m being elitist, and I think it was unwarranted. Wanted to get the 🐟🐠 thoughts. I don’t have many requirements (only 3) when considering someone. Everything else is whatever. I just want someone who makes good money (around what I make), has a professional job and went to a well-respected school (comparable to mine). Is that really that elitist? I feel like this is what many people are looking for and was caught off guard when someone called me out on it.

likefunny
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The “good school” is a tough one. Not everyone has the ability to go to high cost “good schools”. I’d rather someone went to a modest school and not be buried in hundreds of thousands in debt, but you do you. Give it a few years post-graduation and you’ll realize that it matters less than you think.

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Not necessarily true. My school on paper was “meet 100% need” but doesn’t mean I didn’t need to take out loans. Not a “relic of the past” to a lot of us.

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I used to have similar dating criteria, and I eventually realized that it caused me to cut out or overlook huge swaths of wonderful people. Going by that criteria, I missed people showing me kindness, people would have shown me parts of life I’d never known about, people who would have challenged my world view, etc.

I also used to use “elite school” as a proxy for “I want to date someone smart.” Except that there are SO many ways to be smart. And also people who get into elite schools over other much more deserving people.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have my deal breakers (eg lots of debt), and I personally want someone who makes similar or more than me because there’s a standard of life I want to live. But I agree with other people that the school criteria is elitist (as someone who went to an elite private school).

It’s your life, but I would challenge you to think about those criteria and how they intersect with social accessibility and equity. When we prioritize those standards, what does it say about ourselves and what we value as individuals? Who in society is positioned to meet that criteria, and who is not? And most importantly: who benefits in society from us upholding that criteria?

Final thoughts: I would not hold my friends to those standards, and I probably shouldn’t hold a partner to them (IMO one of the most intimate forms of friendship you can have). So many people have so many wonderful things to share, even if they don’t tick superficial boxes.

likesmart

OP, A1 wants you to expand your thinking and consider the opportunity cost of your criteria. There’s a lot of good people out there who may be great for you but just not meet your pre-defined needs.

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So in a previous comment you said you are a lawyer but not am100? You cant be an elitist attorney if you aren’t in big law. Sounds like you are projecting to compensate for your lack of pedigree

likesmart

Associate 1 you ate him up

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Requiring someone to have gone to a "well respected school" makes you a dbag.

The older you get the more obvious it becomes in life how unimportant your college choice was. People can be wildly successful in life with a degree from anywhere or no degree at all. Plenty of people were unable to afford a high end school. Ruling out people by what college they went to is just so absurd, to be honest, it really doesn't matter if you are elitist because elitism implies that you are some kind of prize yourself.

And, you're not. You're a boorish snob.

likesmartfunny

The good school part / professional job is elitist. It’s normal to want to date someone who can keep up financially with your hobbies, but there are jobs out there that are pretty manual/blue collar that can make some serious bank. I think you’re equating your good school to education level and it is fair to want to have intellectually stimulating conversations, but again, you don’t need to have gone to university to be intelligent.

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LA1, that’s why I have the same income requirement as well.

The school one is tough for multiple reasons. A commenter above highlighted the financial reason. However, different schools are known for excelling in different majors. So just basing it on your school is not really a direct comparison. You should compare their school of study against similar top programs in their field and outcomes from those programs.

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I consider any school that’s accredited in whatever major you’re trying to get as ‘good’

It does sound a bit elitist, especially considering that your only dating requirements revolve around the person’s career and not who they actually are as a person. But that’s okay if that’s what you want.

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Good school one is elitist. And, if I may, foolish. I divorced my spouse with all those qualities and am now living happily with a stay at home spouse with no post-HS education. [I have a Berkeley JD]. She left her job to raise our kids, and made low 100s [i’m >600k].

But she is a voracious reader, intellectually curious, and so so much more. For your sake, please don’t let educational pedigree cause you to miss out on someone as spectacular as my wife. ❤️

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I never wanted a SAHS. It just worked out that way, and exceeded all expectations for how well that would work for us.

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Yikes. I went to an Ivy League and don’t even have it listed on my dating profiles. Kind of glad because I wouldn’t want to attract someone as shallow as you.

likesmart

Yeah tbh when people tell me they are into me for certain shallow reasons, I'm not into *them*.

Oh you like this or that kind of guy? Money, ethnic background, junk size, my school, whatever? If you aren't high minded and looking for the right things that matter, I don't want you, even if you're hot. I don't feel good that I met one of your terrible criteria. I feel disgusted.

likesmart

I think you’re missing the inverse to your logic which needs to be said. I have all the pedigree you are looking for. But I would 10/10 dump your ass if I knew you were only interested in me because of it. I surmise people in my boat would be the same.

People like you are 100% my fear in dating and why I don’t mention where I work or my education background until date 3 or 4. I don’t want you dating me for money or status. If I get laid off - am I lesser to you then? If my investments tank and I don’t make the right calls to to correct them - am I lesser to you then?

likesmart

I have similar standards, and I recommend you own the fact that you and/or your criteria are elitist rather than arguing your (losing) case.

Also, do not conflate the question "are my criteria elitist?" with other things like "am I a bad person for having these criteria?".

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Well this is a refreshing comment. Tbh I am elitist in certain ways too. It's NOT always a "bad person" thing although the woke crowds will put your head on a plate.

But...what I really think is, OP is just doing life all wrong. Their issues seem to be bigger than someone calling them "elitist". OP I just get this vibe that you have a lot to learn about life and people and love and human nature and all kinds of things. I promise you, in five or ten years when you're still single, your criteria will change.

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Speaking of elitism, is OP in DC right now??

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likefunny

Ooh not the Hilton honey 🤢. My god. Please put some shoes on and let’s go find you a real hotel

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Went to a “well respected school” can come off as “coming from a wealthy family” which would be elitist.

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You should think about why it matters to you. Perhaps it doesn’t and you convinced yourself it did. Figure out who you are first otherwise you’re going to end up with the wrong person because they happened to go to “the right school.”

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Your criteria are explicitly elitist, as per the merriam webster dictionary. Full stop.

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likesmart

Yes, elitist

likefunny

It’s the only way people will listen! Thank you! 👍🏼

That is a bit elitist but not the worst I’ve heard. There’s people I know who went on a date with bartenders or food servers in the area, and when they heard that, they said it wasn’t gonna work out. You’re at least doing the filtering before you meet them face to face!

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I make sure I know what people do before putting myself in that situation!

I think you can have your requirements as it is your life at the end of the day.

But personally I think the good school one is a bit of a barrier because that would have happened in the past and at a stage when people do not have a lot of maturity. So judging people on whee they went to school is a bit harsh I believe especially if they have made up for it through their careeers

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Making comparable money and having a professional job seems reasonable to me. That's just being at a similar place in life.

But who cares where they went to school? Did you just graduate or something? I graduated from Carnegie Mellon ten years ago but that's almost completely irrelevant compared with the ten years of career I've had since then!

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I don't think my career ceiling is affected by my school at all. My last several positions were all based on my experience and professional network. Perhaps it's different since I'm in engineering?

Not going to pretend this is universal, but when I'm reading resumes for hiring, I don't even look at the school unless they're a recent grad. I'm much more interested in experience.

likesmart

This is the definition of elitist

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Only the last criteria about school sounded elitest to me but then again why do other people’s thoughts matter if that’s what’s important to you.

I do want to note, you might be surprised when you let down your criteria. You may find someone who amazes you.

From my personal experience, I dated a guy who was working close to minimum wage after university as an accountant. He didn’t seem that driven but a few years later, he’s got multiple side hustles, owns property, and is a software developer. Not that any of those events matter independently but it shows that he became driven and cared about something which was ultimately what mattered to me (I.e. similar values)

We’re going pretty strong and I can’t wait to propose to him one day.

Moral of the story is that what people are today may not be what they become tomorrow. You may date someone from a non-reputable school and they might become someone you highly respect due to other factors.

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