{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Sooo I have forgotten how to express love! After having a baby a couple years ago, all I have been doing is chores. My way of expressing love to my husband is cooking, cleaning, taking care of the toddler. We split tasks equally so really there's nothing special about what I do. How do I express love again? What can I do to make him feel special and loved? \n\nPS: He did tell me once that he doesn't feel loved by me anymore. And I want to fix this. Help! Cont'd...", "post_id": "60f83061a7c09600241a77a4", "reply_count": 30, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting" }

Sooo I have forgotten how to express love! After having a baby a couple years ago, all I have been doing is chores. My way of expressing love to my husband is cooking, cleaning, taking care of the toddler. We split tasks equally so really there's nothing special about what I do. How do I express love again? What can I do to make him feel special and loved? PS: He did tell me once that he doesn't feel loved by me anymore. And I want to fix this. Help! Cont'd...

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Sounds like you two need a date night ASAP! But I’m not sure it’s just about expressing your love. You do that in the way you know how. If he isn’t feeling loved, he might not get that this is how you express your love. It might help to think how you made him feel loved before. Did you maybe tell him you loved him more often? Maybe picked up thoughtful gifts? Or planned alone time doing things you both enjoyed? What did your relationship focus on pre-toddler and COVID? What were his favorite moments? The toddler connection to you may simply be exacerbating the situation. He says he doesn’t feel loved anymore (as you said), may be feeling some rejection, then the toddler rejects him further by needing you so much. That is a different (and perfectly normal) situation but it can be really tough for him to deal with and may just compound his hurt.

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Yes, the rejection feeling is real. He feels like he isn't needed anymore. I think partly because I haven't appreciated the work he does enough and the toddler situation makes it worse. But thinking about what made him feel loved earlier is an excellent point. That can help me identify things that we are missing right now. Thank you!

Both of you should read Love Languages (its short) and start noticing and telling each other something kind the other person said or did that day that you appreciated. The mindfulness helps you see the love. The expression of that gratitude makes the person feel loved and noticed in return. It worked for us.

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Send him nudes

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The Love Languages concept is helpful. Learning how you each express and need love is helpful. You can deliver better and also empathize when it’s not right.

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Going to check it out, thank you!

Start with small things, i.e, hugs, set up 1:1 time to talk about how the day goes.

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I provide plenty hugs! I think I can be a better listener though and ask about his day often.

John Gottman has a book and an app for that! Try the Gottman Card Decks app. It has small prompts so you can naturally fit rediscovering your partner and appreciating them.

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Will do. Thank you!

How is the sex life? Do you initiate it? For most men that is “showing love”.

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He will appreciate that

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In my mind, he needs to step up and build that trust and relationship with the toddler. Not much you can do there to make them bond but it’s on him to get involved. Speaking from experience (5yo beautiful baby girl)

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Yeah I need them to find activities that they can do together and bond over.

Why is it all on you? He should be also putting effort in - both for your kid and also to make YOU feel loved. He should personally make an effort to get more involved with your toddler. It’s not your responsibility to make him “feel” involved.

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That’s fair, OP! If you are sharing the duties - that’s important. You just need your kid to spend time alone with dad - without you around. Kid will always choose you if they have an option. Go on a spa day or a weekend away with the girls - the toddler will just need to get more dependent on him. My BFF - when she had her two boys, she “trained” her kids to be daddy’s boys and stick with dad - so it frees herself up more and not always carry the burden since she is the one breastfeeding. It’s genius! I’m going to do the same.

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I have a 19 month old and 2 month old and I relate to this so much. Thanks for posting OP! And hugs to you

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Also, my toddler needs me for everything. She doesn't go to him as much. Food, bath, bed, play is all mom. I'm trying to get my toddler to spend time with him so he feels more involved. But so far haven't been successful.

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This happens with our younger one too. My advice is that as long as your partner is willing to help, you should feel comfortable to leave your toddler in their hands even if the kid cries for your attention instead. If your partner gets to spend time with your kid, your kid will warm up to him.

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