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Chief
I’ll play devil’s because I really do understand what OP is saying, I think she just said it a little aggressively. Will there be issues? Yes. Why? Because there are certain unwritten rules that you just know when you’re upper class that are very difficult to follow or pick up. Your family’s community probably vacations in the same spot, so everyone just knows everyone. Will your bf be weirded out if you want to send kids to private school? Will he be uncomfortable with excessive displays of wealth? Just saying “go on vacation” really isn’t the same thing - he may not like or crave culture in the same way OP does. (For me this would be a massive issue.) the list kind of goes on. People may judge this response but I said what I said.
Chief
@ A2 that’s a great point. While the wealth disparity may be extreme in OPs case, many couples match with completely different backgrounds. I can think of 3 where it became an issue.
#1 friend from average income married a guy with extreme wealth. She felt excluded and looked down on by his his family because the made her sign a prenup (totally normal for his wealth class). They also did things that I found to be rude. They’d go shopping at luxury stores and then save her the boxes and bags the stuff came in. She never asked for them. They’d present her with what was effectively their trash and make comments about how they thought she’d just LOVE some Hermès packaging. While her complaints were valid, there was also more to consider. Her husband had a fiancé when they met. He was marrying someone from a family his family was well integrated and had extensive history with. She chose to ignore that they were likely weaponizing their wealthy because they didn’t respect the fact that she was a mistress
#2 was a coworker who was such a sweetheart but grew up with so much money that she seemed oblivious to the average person’s circumstances. I never heard her husbands (fiancé at the time) perspective but i felt for the guy. The firm i worked for was filled with wealthy people and they’d often tell her she was expecting too much of her fiancé. She didn’t seem to understand that some of her asks were wild. As examples - her family was paying for the wedding. The fiancé wanted to contribute. Her family suggested he pay for her veil. He assumed it would be at most a grand. Her veil cost $10k. She didn’t run it by him before buying it because she didn’t even realize that was expensive. She didn’t really look at the tag. They didn’t have the conversation until the invoice came and he had to cut a check. That sort of thing happened all the time. She sat next to me and would sigh, explain the situation, and seem completely unable to understand why her husband cared so much about the cost of things.
# 3 is a couple that my husband is very close with. The woman comes from money (large trust fund from her grandfather) and the man is middle class. She also had a substantial salary when compared to his - she was almost double. While we love them both, the things we pick up on outside looking in is how she talks about money. She acts like every thing they have is because of her. When they make big financial decisions, she doesn’t go to her husband for advice. She goes to her parent. As his friends, we know this eats him alive because he doesn’t feel respected. They also aren’t accepting help from her parents. He’ll say something about wanting to invest x in x. She’ll say - wait! Let me see what my father says.
Pro
Please spare this guy the weight of your low expectations of the value he could bring to your life/ the relationship
Agreed on your general point about discussing debts with a potential partner.
So, does he have significant debt or concerning financial habits/obligations? Or is this just something you assume blue collar people have?
Chief
The problems you are most likely to face are going to be about money - how things are divided (who pays for what and what price point is reasonable) and expectations. I'm watching this scenario play out right now with my little brother and his fiance. My family doesn't have money. Her family is the 1%. She doesn't care about money, but her mom is pushing for a society wedding and all the crap that goes with it, ignoring that it's not what her daughter or future SIL want. My brother's fiance is trying to protect my brother and my family from this, but I think it's been really hard on her and it's stressing my brother and my mom out.
Chief
Hey A1 - I am totally going to have a wonderful SIL! She's so sweet, and they are a really good match. I'm not sure how all the wedding stuff will play out (the wedding won't be until next summer so there's so lots of time for stress), but I just really hope her mom listens to her. I know a big part of this is she's an only child, so this is their only opportunity to give her a wedding, but what her mom is proposing just won't work well for the bride and groom or my side both from a cost perspective and because my mom is disabled and her mom is stuck on doing a beach wedding in Nantucket. My future SIL is on it, but I get the impression she doesn't have a lot of experience pushing back on her parents, so her mom isn't listening to her when she says no.
OP the fact that you are SO defensive in this post and every response to it is troubling. I suggest maybe you speak to a therapist rather than taking things out on a bunch of strangers on the internet.
Rising Star
And of course….. you WILL do a pre-nup
No and stop being such a snob.
Conversation Starter
You come from a top 1% family but working at BCG….hmm🤔
Rising Star
Everyone knows that top tier institutions (schools, companies) definitely *do* factor this in, directly or indirectly. Except those who benefit most from it, apparently.
It may cause issues, but if you can talk through them you'll be fine. My husband grew up in a village in rural Russia without paved roads, and often without enough to eat. You will have to have a bit more empathy for what hes lived through at times.
It was easier for me, an upper middle class American, to adapt to his family - they embraced me with nothing but love. They had little, but were happy to share it. I was really moved.
We've been together 30 years now, and the issues usually appear when consumerism was obvious, or he could see wastefulness (I needed a new car, he suggested a budget Mazda, I wanted a Lexus). He's still not able to understand why asceticism is sometimes important to me. He can be comfortable almost anywhere, unless someone is making him uncomfortable by being a jerk.
Pro
Sorry to this man.
Hi OP, this is my situation. Not sure why there’s so much judgement for asking the question. Here’s some things to consider:
-Have your trust be in your control, in your name only, prior to marriage so if there’s any risk of divorce in the future the funds aren’t commingled
-Will he or his parents expect financial support in the future? If so, that should be discussed upfront on how to handle
-For holidays and gifts, will there be any resentment if the activities and monetary value of gifts vary significantly? Ie if your relationship is serious and your parents gift you or him with a car or something, would he feel the need to give you the same or would you feel his less valuable gifts are not good enough?
-Are your general life expectations aligned? When you want to purchase a home, will it be outside of your earnings budget and supported by your trust/parents financially? Would that impact your relationship dynamics?
Feel free to DM me if you want to chat further!
Great response. I agree with all of the above
😳
Rising Star
My husband and I are from similar economic means (upper middle class) but I would think the long-term issues could play out this way:
- your family puts on airs and thinks he isn’t good enough for you, and makes him feel that way.
- he is super-uncomfortable with your family
- you have different visions about how you spend your money if you do get married.
Barring these issues, you should be okay. Most importantly, if your values align, you can work the rest out. Aligned religious beliefs will go a long way towards making it easier.
Rising Star
Another piece of this is how/when to tell him the extent of my family’s wealth. Probably before he meets my parents.
That’s a huge piece! From your initial post, it seemed like he was already aware since you were aware. I’m assuming some subtle things might have already come up, like summer homes or lack of student debt etc that are more telling than just owning brand names items.
It’s intimidating to share family details with anyone, even more when you think you come from different experiences. That doesn’t mean you can’t understand and empathize with each other, but it is something you should be aware of when communicating.
Definitely have a conversation before he meets your parents. Blatantly stating your family is wealthy doesn’t give much insight, but talking to him about your relationship with your parents can help. Don’t hide the truth or blindside him
Pro
I mean these are conversations you should have with your boyfriend. Talk to him and see what his thoughts are snd if there is anything about that that bothers him. I think you all are likely going to be able to meet in the middle on one thing: making sure enough is saved so that your kids are provided for, don’t struggle and are afforded the best opportunities in life. If you’re able to agree on that, that’s key. He will come from that perspective differently than you might, but you’ll both have the same common goal.
Rising Star
Yes definitely
I haven't been but my friend was. I am middle class and my friend is as well. He dated a girl that was loaded and he says that her family NEVER misstreated him, didn't make him feel less and she was actually a very humble person. But it is just a difference in so may things... Conversations with friends and family, talking about the future, etc. People love to say that "if their is real love, money doesn't matter"... Meh, it does. When planning the future, when talking to friends, going out, etc. And she was legitimally such a nice girl. But in the end, the wealth difference did affect him... It's a mental thing. And if your parents are judgy... Ooff that makes it so much harder. It takes a lot of maturity to make something like that work. It can work, just know that it is an exception, the rule is that it doesn't work. So you decide what you wanna be
Rising Star
For all the people saying I’m defensive—it’s because I asked a question that was “has anyone been through this situation and can you explain?” Some people have provided anecdotes, most have come on here telling me to be less privileged or act a certain way—which is not what this post was about at all and just dramatic. Never asked if I should act a certain way. It’s like someone coming on here to ask for a plastic surgeon reference and people saying “all bodies are beautiful” like no shit but that’s not what I asked.
The 4 posters before me on this subthread said it much more eloquently than I will. But even your being defensive, getting irritated you’re getting judged and not getting your question perfectly answered betrays an immaturity in you that seems akin to being a little out of touch...
The answers you’re getting here are for the reasons listed above (ie not enough description in your post about the two of you, no discussion of any of the actual issues or discussions you and your bf have had to this point, repeated focus on how he will be likely judged by your family and may not live up to your standards). People on this app give you the answers they think you need to hear - I find on this women’s board that mostly the answers are remarkably astute and wise. People are providing the comments they think you need to hear, even if those don’t directly answer your question. In other words, often times on this app, the thing a person who is asking for a plastic surgeon reference does in fact need to hear is “all bodies are beautiful”. Please note that we are also professional women with big brains and hearts and lots of wisdom and experience to offer - we aren’t customer service agents or waitresses who are ONLY supposed to bring you what you ORDERED and nothing else. Nope. Your whole attitude seems like you want us to act in a service capacity to you, only dispensing exactly what you requested and nothing more that seems to personal or over the line to you or judgy. Please be a bit more humble and try to hear some of the advice being offered here. Much of it is quite insightful.
Yes, it will cause issues in a marriage and you will need to work them out over time. If you love someone that’s just one piece of the relationship, but differences in values, no matter the financial situation, will cause issues unless you both know how to navigate them well.
Okay I have read enough agitated post so I’ll stop reading and just chime in with my thoughts.
I am in the flipped side of this situation. My boyfriend is the one who grew up with money, went to boarding schools, best Uni in UK etc. On the other hand, I came from a no-name university, middle class in a 3rd world country, have working class parents etc. We have been together for 5yrs now.
Despite the classist accusatory comments here, yes the socio-economic status difference is 100% gonna be an issue. What will make the difference is how both of you in the relationship will react to it.
If your boyfriend is amenable to meeting halfway and is interested even to level-up his lifestyle, it’s going to be a lot easier. Halfway; which is to say you also have to do some compromises half the time. It will take a bit of time to figure out what you and him can compromise on, so it will be best if you guys have an open discussion about it. It will ultimately depend on how much either of you want to make the relationship work.
Don't torture him, he doesn't need you or your family's attitude. I couldn't even stand being friends with old money people because it always came out to hurt my feelings in some way or another. Go golfing or something and find someone more like your people.
That’s a question you should be asking yourself. Will you be okay in future , expect any changes or be willing to accept his lifestyle as you do your own.
Economic differences can be overcome provided people in a relationship like your own doesn’t treat it as baggage. Just two cents.
Rising Star
Yes I agree—but curious if others have had experiences they can share
Rising Star
What problems do you anticipate, OP?
I agree w EY1 here. If there aren’t any issues now you attribute to this divide, don’t go looking for them. Trust me if they show up later you will know and then can work through them or decide if they are afterall dealbreakers. My husband and I had money emerge as a big issue when we were dating. Not sure how far in, maybe even as early as 6 months. But the details of that I probably couldn’t have predicted with much accuracy if I went forecasting for it earlier in the relationship when thinking about potential problems.
He’s the spender and I’m the saver and this is related to our class differences. It was a fight we had starting fairly early but we learned to work on it and didn’t decide it was a deal breaker for us. Some days it’s still hard but we did decide to get married in the end even though this was an issue that showed up much earlier in our relationship
Pro
I grew up rich but how others grew up does t bother me, as long as we have commonality now on what we enjoy and want out of life. You sound like a snob!