{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Talked to SO about wanting more effort from him, he said he believes in giving what he is receiving & doesn’t chase. However I like to be pursued and feel wanted. Is this a situation of just wanting different things? Or should I start putting in more effort to pursue him and see if it’s reciprocated?", "post_id": "61040e37b8630e002058dc2a", "reply_count": 18, "vote_count": 1, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

Talked to SO about wanting more effort from him, he said he believes in giving what he is receiving & doesn’t chase. However I like to be pursued and feel wanted. Is this a situation of just wanting different things? Or should I start putting in more effort to pursue him and see if it’s reciprocated?

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I’m sure I’ll be called old fashioned but I don’t believe in women pursuing men, you should consider if you’re okay with that. Also you both should clarify what you mean by “more effort”, and “chasing” as these are not equivalent.

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Intersting take on his part…

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Men like used cars should be taken “as is”.

likefunny

So true.

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While the other posters are making good points, I would probably consider if this was a communication breakdown. Did you provide specific examples of what you wanted and he said he didn’t want to do it? I don’t think it’s unfair for him to ask for reciprocation, but he probably doesn’t mean one for one/the same things you do. For example, he may mean things like you making dinner, rubbing his back, giving compliments - perhaps in line with his love language. While it seems like you probably mean planning dates and compliments? Relationships are two way streets and both parties should put in similar amounts of effort, but they don’t need to be the same activities. I sometimes find it better to frame this as “what should we both do to create more romance”. I think this is less charged and creates more conversation. I think the pursued language carries a lot of weird gender baggage and honestly once in a relationship isn’t particularly specific.

likesmart

Good point!

Noooo that’s rude. He needs to put effort in independently, not conditionally.

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That part!

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I can appreciate all this extra thought the women here are putting in. And I can also say that's exactly why we end up less fulfilled in relationships. The man very clearly said he isn't doing all that if you're not doing all that. So the only question that matters is, why didn't he bring it up first if having a better relationship was so contingent on your contributions? It's simple: his investment and expectations don't align to yours. But you know that. So instead of wasting time, effort, and energy on running a regression test - just move on. You don't need everything to fall apart for you to prioritize yourself with having/ being/ feeling better. Tell him you understand and that you're moving on because you want someone as invested who is willing to prioritize you and when necessary start the conversation about having a stronger relationship. (Or don't tell him all that and just end the relationship. You don't owe an explanation.) Either way, good luck ❤

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He doesn’t believe in chasing? Not my type either 🤢🏃‍♀️. like fair it can fizzle once you’re comfortable/ married, but not believing in it is unattractive

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He’s telling you something extremely important about his needs and communication style. Are you listening or pouting?

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I think you need to give him more space and maybe run a little faster and little harder?

likefunny

I think he wants exactly what you want. You both want to be chased , so do some chasing.

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I think you may have a communication issue as principal 1 stated above, but please notice and consider the fact that he didn't bother to clarify and jumped straight to a defensive assumption. Now, I don't know if you are the type of woman to expect anything one-way, but it seems like he's assuming that either based on you or on past relationships. And that for me would be a red flag Pushing back on working on a relationship is just off to me. It's indicative of something deeper. Could be unrelated to the relationship (i.e. depression because of *vaguely gestures* the world) but that is irrelevant if he lets it affect the relationship with no self awareness

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I think he’s either lazy or just not interested in the kind of relationship you’re interested in. You should be chasing *each other.* That means putting in the same amount of effort because you’re on the same page about wanting to be together and the level of affection you have for each other.

Not that this is totally relevant to OP, but it think it’s interesting how many of us are willing to paint the BF with a broad negative brush. Is the BF potentially a loser, not fully bought in with OP, not well aligned with OP on relationship goals, and/or hasn’t done his work emotionally? Maybe! But from this level of info it’s impossible to tell and we are all projecting A LOT here. This could have been a bad day/poor response from the BF for any number of reasons. We have no idea how this conversation really went. If my husband came to fishbowl with a three sentence description of a bad discussion we had had I’m confident I would not come out looking like the amazing partner I am (HAHA). It’s interesting to me because I think so many women have had so many bad/difficult experiences with men that it becomes what we expect and we say to our friends (and fishbowl friends) “dump him dump him”. But, if I look around, I see a lot of relationships (including my own) where the woman has a lot of ownership in the issues and challenges, and breaking up is not always the only or best way to solve it. Could be a whole other thread. OP interested to hear your updates on what you do next.

My love language is acts of service and my SO struggles with doing things that “woo” me so I suggested we start planning “mystery dates” where each month, one of us plans a date to surprise the other person. We’re four months in and it’s been a blast!

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