The partner I work for said “I love you” during an argument about work. He also said I am his BFF, that I can’t leave bc I’m everything to him, and has never met anyone like me. We’ve been a team for 2 yrs in Big Law (equity partner; sr assoc). He’s married, and I’m in a relationship. I thought we were just colleagues - work friends at best. Am I misreading it? I’ve been told I’m oblivious when it comes to this stuff. He’s 50’s, I’m 35. What’s the likelihood he meant platonically?

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Who gives a fat rat’s ass about what it is by label? If you’re uncomfortable, the calculus stops there. Period. This is the workplace - you’re professionals first and foremost. A professional respects and supports your decisions, even if it’s about you leaving. If you walk away and the Partner doesn’t respect it, then they’ve stopped being a professional. And if that’s the case, then you’re suffering through someone else’s imagined up playland where they’d like to keep you equally trapped as they are.

Get out, or report it to HR, and don’t look back either way.

likehelpfulsmart

Almost this exact same thing happened to me—over a period of years—with a partner I was assigned to. It’s a form of gaslighting. He thinks that by appealing to your emotional side you will continue to do good work for him and not see the writing on the wall (that there are other people out there to work for that don’t make you feel as “ick.”) He always called me his best friend, bought me presents, would text me all hours of the day and night (not about work). It took me a while but I finally got away from him and have literally never been happier at my firm. In short girl, RUN.

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Please post this in the women in law bowl so we can really go ham

likefunny

The women bowl is hardcore

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Yikes. None of this is okay at all. And I’m the Gen X guy who married his coworker, so I come from an era and a firm when and where the lines being a little blurry wasn’t unusual.

likefunny

Thank you for giving me some perspective. He always said “back in my day...” to try to normalize bad behavior. Often talked about the glory days of blurred lines at law firms he worked at. I wonder now if he was testing my reaction.

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100% platonic, but he sounds too comfortable with you. I’ve heard these kinds of comments before from other people, and my belief is that it usually indicates someone who is out of touch with social boundaries.

Generally, a partner has too much to lose by purposefully saying something like that with a suggestive purpose, which is another reason why I am giving the benefit of the doubt based on your description.

likehelpful

OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. This is absolutely not your fault. Honestly, you will never know 💯 what the real reasons are that he liked you/your work, but he has proven his opinion is not worth caring about.

You probably know when you have done good work. Remember that satisfied feeling when you turn in a beautifully drafted brief or agreement or win on a tough negotiation point? Or when you win a case/close a transaction and think
about all the good work you did to make that happen? Clients, other partners, juniors etc have probably appreciated that over the years. It sounds like you’ve already been able to secure work from other partners at your firm. That probably wouldn’t happen if they didn’t think you were good, beyond just his recommendation of you.

But at the end of the day (even with many of us successful biglawyers having that personality type that craves external validation) we have to trust in ourselves and our own abilities. Especially as you get more and more senior, you (will) realize that partners don’t know everything. Everyone is just making it up as they go along. Just because someone has more experience stops meaning they are automatically a better attorney than you or even that they have more substantive knowledge than you. You are probably already noticing this when you have negotiations with opposing counsel who seem to get stuck on unreasonable/silly points.

You will get through this and come out stronger the other side.

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It's obviously not platonic, but what you do about that should be navigated carefully. I would immediately start applying elsewhere though. Even if you're in a big firm, people will talk if you suddenly switch groups and start working without each other. And that assumes he keeps it together in that transition without getting emotional or worried and trying to paint you as a problem, which seems like a pretty big assumption at this point.

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He has not kept it together, not even close. I told him I will work for other partners in the firm. He went through the full range of emotions. He is now very worried about how it will look to other partners. Embarrassment can cause people do spiteful things.

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Regardless of what he meant by the “I love you” part, his comments sound controlling and abusive. No one should say things like that in either a professional or personal setting. I would get out ASAP.

likesmart

Low. I'm a guy, and this does not sound platonic to me.

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This is about boundaries like others have said. This dude has no boundaries and will push for more and more.

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I just told him I’m moving to another floor because I need space and a change. He COMPLETELY lost it. He said I betrayed him, that I should have told him earlier, and how this is going to look bad for both of us because now everyone will know. He got so angry and blamed me for ruining his reputation.

We got hired during COVID in a huge firm. No one has been in the office for nearly a year. Except for a few staff members, people don’t even know who we are or where my office is.

Should I report this latest outburst? I’ve secured work from other female partners in the firm, and plan on working with them. I, of course, am worried about retaliation if he finds out I reported it.

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If you feel comfortable and supported by HR (if your firm has HR) that’s where to start.

And his saying “Now everyone will know” - what does he even mean exactly? That he crossed lines he shouldn’t have done? Embarrassing for him that he would jeopardize his marriage and living for unrequited infatuation. You deserve better treatment either way, from partners and from the firm overall.

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I’m this partner’s contemporary and this is so out if bounds and NOT platonic. I would NEVER EVER say I love you to an employee. Just never. Go to HR and get out. This partner needs an intervention but he’s not your problem.

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Besides getting out of this situation ASAP as others have suggested, my cousin (also a lawyer) has effectively used a line that disarms married male colleagues being inappropriate. It’s not a problem solver, but can get you out of the uncomfortable moments at least. She abruptly and nicely asks how their wives are doing. Asks nice, small talk, questions about their kids and continues that line of questioning until she’s away. But usually, almost always, they leave first. Uncomfortably. They find there’s no smooth way to turn the conversation back to a flirtatious tone without being blatantly out of line.

likefunny

He’s being weird. If you don’t appreciate it or don’t want it to escalate may be time to say something or give a bit of time see if he scales back to normal and move on as if didn’t happen. Love you and BFF are bold terms to throw around imo

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Exit wisely. Before you find your next firm, play cold; the more you respond to him, the more he is likely to act out (just like a kid).

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Who cares? Are you happy at the firm? If so, be happy that you have job security. If not leave. It’s very simple.

Ew

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