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Thinking of taking a break and being a stay at home mom for sometime.. main reasons for taking this decision is: I haven’t had good luck with a full time nanny for my 10 month old baby (continued)

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As someone who gets anxiety thinking about searching for and hiring a nanny again...but thankful my kids are in elementary school and daycare now, I’ll ask a few questions that may help you decide:
- is finding the right nanny a control issue/fear or needing energy/determination to keep on looking?
- do you really want to stay at home?
- most kids and parents have separation anxiety, so whether it’s daycare or nanny, you or your kiddo may cry every single time. As people get used to change, the crying goes away. Your kid does not have to go to the nanny a ton. If you work from home, can you guys start by sitting in the same room and the nanny just playing with your kid’s toys until the kiddo joins her? Can you make transition less obvious? (Of course they will cling when you are about to go!)
- would you enjoy being a stay at home mom?
(For me, not so much. I enjoy my kids and love them with all my heart but parenting feels like trial and error. I learn but on the job and I hate that constant feeling of not good enough. I like being able to work and have a sense of completion and adult conversation.)
- can you afford it? I’m a divorced mom of 2 and I worked before the divorce and after. I never felt like I had an option. I hope you have an option so you can decide.
- have you spoken with HR about how you can take a break and Still have a home?
- do you feel guilty leaving your kiddo with a caretaker?
when people say “you never get this time back with your kids” I feel like it’s misleading. That’s a statement about anyone. You never get time back. Period. I had nannies and daycare, I was always the primary caretaker and drop off/pick up. I’ve rushed like a crazy person and no matter what I do, the mommy guilt is real. Point being, choosing to work or not work is nothing to do with how much you love your kids or your time with them. The reason I wanted to comment on this is that every age is precious: infants and toddlers need connection and security by a caretaker to form trust but they don’t remember a lot before 2/3, bigger kids need attention and just to be seen and validated as they are. I hear teenagers need us most - to be there, awake and paying attention. So...this is a marathon. What is right for you?

Oh, and as someone who had to justify every decision I made to a narcissistic husband, I’ll say lastly - you don’t need to justify your choice. You are a logical/smart/responsible person. What you decide is right for you and your family is simply right for you and your family. Period. End of story. You walk head up and you do not compare yourself with others/how fast their career may be accelerating or cool projects or whatever else may steal your joy. No regrets, no matter what you choose.

Sending you love and grace.

likehelpfuluplifting

I would consider daycare - we had 2 kids go through an educational based daycare, and they thrived in every sense. With one kid, it would certainly be cheaper than a nanny or au pair. It is also tough when you are in the house and the kid knows. So you may want to try working outside the house and see if that improves things. The nanny doesn’t really have the opportunity to develop a relationship with the baby if you are holding the baby constantly.

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I would.leave the house to.work during the adjustment. If you are there, of course they will want you, especially as I think separation anxiety leaks at that age.

Can the nanny take him out during the day? Would daycare be an option? I think that if you want to stay home, that is up to you, but I would do it because of this reason.

likehelpful

Very true! Our son has been alone with our au pair for a year now but if we are at home even upstairs shut in a room he is crazy clingy to us- crying cause he can feel our presence.

It took our latest au pair about 3 weeks to get everything down the way we wanted (our first au pair took 1 week). But after maybe 1-2 weeks my son obviously LOVES her. Its so wonderful to see him giggle in her arms when i come home and we sit to play together before she takes off.

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If you can afford it it seems like a great time to be a stay at home mom. you can always go back to work

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Have you considered day care? Our son started at 6 months and he loves it. He is 1 now

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If that’s what your heart wants right now, do it! You’ll never get this time back with your baby, and you won’t regret not working for a year or so. Just make sure you schedule play dates and things so you still get social time with other adults. It’s so important for you to be supported.

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I took 2.5 years off and stayed home with my girls. It was harder than being in the office most days but it was a wonderful experience that I don’t regret.

As others have mentioned working at home with a nanny around is really hard. We had a nanny last summer and my two year old would scream at the top of the steps for me. I dreaded my telework days. Getting LO or you out of the house should help with the transition.

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What did your day to day look like during those years?

OP you haven’t said anything about your work, whether you enjoy it despite this separation anxiety struggle. Maybe that’s because you do not, and staying home will be great for you. I’d just take a moment to reflect on your career, whether it gives you anything staying at home does not (for me, intellectual interest), and what your career looks like once your kids are in school.

Other options could include a flex/part time work arrangement so that you can “stay in the game” but are able to tend to baby a lot more.

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I would rip off the bandaid for daycare. In 99 percent of cases your kid will do great. I think a 6 month transition would be a little much. For context, my oldest stil gets upset when I drop him off at school, but within 5 minutes is having fun and enjoys his day. My younger guy (who I thought would be the clingy one) walks in like he owns the place.

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Thank you Ladies!! Woke up reading all these insightful comments and it brought a smile to my face ❤️

A little background - I have been with my baby for the first 10 months of her life so as most of you would know at this age they start showing separation anxiety. I had 3 options as a working mom:

1. Parents/in laws- my parents can’t come as they are with my sister who is due early April. In laws are overly excited to come but I feel having them around is more stress than help for me.

2. Daycare- I was up for this option only at the start, however given that my husband is a senior manager at Deloitte, he’s away and extremely busy Monday to Thursday, this leaves me to do pick ups and drop offs, work as well as manage home. I feel this is too much for me to handle just yet.

3. Nanny- I’ve had bad luck getting a full time nanny for my baby. It’s so bad that I’m literally booking and covering one week at a time (I don’t know how I ended up in such a mess). Next week I have one nanny come Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and another nanny come Tuesday and Thursday. My daughter will definitely find it hard to adjust with new faces. She just came down with the flu Sunday night so poor baby is already unwell and miserable, and leaving her with the nanny when she wants mommy is tough but I’m constantly trying and it’s just not working. I feel terrible everyday for 3 weeks now, that she’s not getting the proper care I’d like her to get and I have hardly gotten a day’s worth of work done in 3 weeks :(

Recently she started crying as soon as we step out of our building and she is in her stroller. So either I take her out in the baby carrier or just carry her in my arms to get out of the apartment. Car seat too is a big issue. My baby doesn’t like to be strapped in anything, luckily high chair is working out for meal times, and feels restricted when she can’t move around freely except when I’m carrying her. We still wake up quite a few times at night so I’m not properly rested eitherand thought working from home would help combat that, but I don’t think it’s helping me much.

All this is driving me towards staying at home for a bit and settling her. Trying to do that while being in consulting is too much stress on me which leads my husband to constantly worry and that impacts his work as well. Luckily I have the option of taking time off for a while and then getting back once ready. However I won’t opt to come back to consulting as that’s extremely difficult for both parents I feel.

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Whenever I am in a dilemma (happens more often than necessary these days) fb throws in a post that mirrors my exact thought/question. I am so in a same boat OP!

There is a difference though. My kid is a couple of years older. When he was younger and i was contemplating taking a break, I didn't (was also an L visa spouse then). So I plowed through thinking it's going to get better. And it did, but also worse. Now I feel like I lost important time with my kid. The guilt is real and now I just want to take some time off to be with him before he atleast starts school.
Not an easy decision ever!

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I agree!! It’s one of the toughest decisions to make.. I wish you luck and strength in whatever decision you make 👍🏻😊

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I do the daycare thing and because my husband works late hours I am the one who does the picking up every day and then that forces me to continue to do work when they go to sleep at about 830 so I am completely burnt out and I’m contemplating quitting for a little while as well because my little one is 18 months old and my older one is nine years old

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I totally understand! That’s exactly why I feel quitting for a while will be a good break, though I only have one baby. Hats off to you for getting your work done with two little ones.. I truly feel there are some strong mamas out there, you being one! Good luck with your decision and much strength to you 😊

Op- I regret not taking a break when my daughter was younger. I did not move up in my career and I am around 3 years behind my colleagues. But my reason of not doing well in career were my mental and physical health and the parenting choices that I had made required lot of work. Though my daughter goes to daycare and I agree that most of the kids adjust well in daycare setup but I feel like I missed the crucial first 3 years of her life. Maybe I could have done better if I had taken a break and focused on my health and my daughter. I have a friend/ colleague who took break from her career and she is so happy and content with her decision. I don’t see a major gap in her career other than the difference of a regular paycheck for over 3 years. If I have to evaluate today that paycheck doesn’t matter compared to the parent I could have been.

likehelpful

Thank you for sharing! I agree and have experienced it myself that when I’m burnt out or I have pending work, I start get irritated at everything. When I’m rested, things are organized and under control I am the most happy and loving.. More so, I feel guilty choosing the paycheck over my daughter’s care.. I feel I can control expenses in order to soak in precious moments with my baby.. I’d hate for the nanny or daycare teachers to tell me she took her first steps or said her first phrase 🙈

You might want to look into talking to a parenting coach. Usually they are early child development experts who can help navigate transitions and other issues. Hearing that your LO is so stressed every time you leave your building sounds really tough!! Everyone here will have good suggestions based on experience but I think it’s nice to get advice from an outside expert sometimes.

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I also find it hard to justify a full time nanny, because it's like giving your take home salary to someone else to raise your kids while you work, and in that instance it makes staying at home seem like a really attractive option. However, have you considered au pair? They are a lot cheaper than nanny and can work more flexible hours. If you need longer hours, especially if your husband is on the road a lot, you could do daycare + au pair, where au pair works mornings and evenings and does pickup/dropoff. Sometimes daycare + au pair is still cheaper than a full time nanny.

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Thank you for the advice!! I haven’t looked at au pairs since I live in the city in a 2 bedroom apartment. Not enough space to accommodate an au pair especially given that in laws/parents do visit once each a year if not more.

And baby too isn’t adjusting to part time nannies. I feel guilty that I’m unable to justify an 8 hour work day since I’m having to hold my baby most of the day as she’s not going to the nanny for more than 4-5 minutes.

Any suggestions from other moms who have gone through challenging times or have had to take this tough decision?

Out of curiosity, what is making it difficult to find a full time nanny? I cannot imagine how stressful it is peicemealing together care.

The ones taking lesser are in their early 20’s and I’m not quite convinced when I speak to references as I’m hearing they have had random leaves to sort personal issues, etc

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