{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "This is a tough subject- but has anyone done selective reduction if they have more than one baby? I’m 12 weeks, twins. Also step mom to a 5 and 4 year old from my husbands previous marriage. His relationship with his ex is toxic at best. They do not get along and it’s hard to imagine them ever married. I did IUI to get pregnant and it worked- but I got 2 instead of 1. I’m scared shitless of trying to manage twins, along with his kids and his narcissistic ex. Selective reduction sucks (contd)", "post_id": "61f856a6cdc8a10033742d91", "reply_count": 171, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "5a0c9a1f61b01a001937c406", "bowl_name": "Working Moms", "feed_type": "bowl" }
null

This is a tough subject- but has anyone done selective reduction if they have more than one baby? I’m 12 weeks, twins. Also step mom to a 5 and 4 year old from my husbands previous marriage. His relationship with his ex is toxic at best. They do not get along and it’s hard to imagine them ever married. I did IUI to get pregnant and it worked- but I got 2 instead of 1. I’m scared shitless of trying to manage twins, along with his kids and his narcissistic ex. Selective reduction sucks (contd)

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Didn't you know the risks when you did the IUI that multiple fetuses were a possibility? It's pretty common knowledge, but I would have assumed your doctor went over this risk with you prior to the procedure.

With that in-mind, the decision should have been discussed and made at that point to determine if you'd like to proceed with IUI or not - knowing that multiple fetuses were a possibility.

I can't even imagine having to select one over the other - what if something happens to the one you choose?

I am a firm believer in that we're never given something more than we can handle. It sounds like this is a very difficult and overwhelming season for you with the ex-wife situation + pregnancy. However, I would encourage you to "remove yourself" from the emotion of it to try and come up with solutions that COULD make having twins feasible (and dare I say, even enjoyable) for your lifestyle and family situation. Is there additional help you can rely on? What can your husband to do make the situation less overwhelming or be more helpful? Are the stepkids old enough to take on more at home?

Having a mother who went through 2 abortions, and a best friend who had 3 abortions, I see first-hand the deep hurt and pain that they live with for making that decision. You never know where your life is going to take you once this tough season is over, and you would hate to regret something as permanent as aborting a fetus because you didn't think you can handle it at the time. (Those tough seasons seem less difficult once we've worked our way through them) I believe you can!

likeuplifting

I've had an abortion and I'm a mom now. I don't regret for a second a baby I didn't want in college with a man who was so wrong for me. Not then. Not now. Not ever. So glad to be the mom I want to be now, financially secure, emotionally ready, with my soul mate and family support. Literally living the life I want instead of the life I would have hated.

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Pro-choice Mom of 4 here. I had a child when we did IVF at age 36. We did IUI first and due to how many eggs I produced they handed me the sheet for selective reduction. My husband and I discussed reducing if I became pregnant with more than 2. So I completely get it. We ended up doing IVF and implanting two that took. I was absolutely petrified. I knew how much work one was and couldn't imagine having 2 more. The fear was so much worse than reality. I will say the risk qre greatly reduced if you are di/di, which is what I imagine you are. I also know given the number of friends I have with 2 trimester losses no pregnancy is a guarantee:( I am a member of a mother's of multiple club and what I have learned is that if you have a kid already when having twins you are grossly underestimating what you learned from your first. When you didn't have one, you know no different and you just roll with it. I know plenty of single moms doing it on their own. And while IVF was my husband's idea as I was happy with just one, it was me who implanted our last two embryos, which resulted in my 4th child. I honestly did it because my husband wouldn't let me donate them and it seemed like such a waste of all my hard work. But shockingly it was him that was scared of another set of twins. I was honestly sad when we only had one take. I am not saying 4 is easy, but it is worth it for us. Do what is right for you, but don't underestimate yourself and don't let fear drive your decision quite so much.

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I wouldn’t. They are both your babies. What if you lose both? How do you think the surviving one would feel knowing they could have had a twin? Maybe this will be your last pregnancy with no more chances. I’m sure 2 at once is difficult but could also be easier as they can entertain and play with each other.

likesmart

Ok, so I have 3 kids, and there is a 5 year age gap between my first & second. My 2nd & 3rd? 2 year gap, and they are inseparable…. I highly recommend keeping both. It will be busy while they’re little, but they’ll entertain each other constantly when they get older!!

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I know it seems like you need a gut check, but I do feel the only opinion that matters are from you and your partner. Everyone is going to have a different opinion and no one can really say what they'd do until they are actually in the position. Neither choice is easy but you do have A choice for you and your family.

likesmart

They are both your babies, with beating hearts, working nervous systems and an already deep connection to you and their dad and their twin. They both deserve to live. Would you also pick which of your 4 or 5 year olds gets to live?

ETA - having one at a time is nerve wracking, there is no manual, all of us are making it up as we go along. But they will be so worth it!

likefunnysmart

Principal - she asked for other peoples opinion. You freely gave yours. Stop attacking people on the other end of the spectrum then you.

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I’m pro choice, and understand where you’re coming from- I couldn’t imagine having any more children than I do. At the same time, there’s a really special bond and kinship between twins, that they would be able to share as they get older. My kids are not twins but very close in age and are so close, it’s beautiful to see. As they get older and you’re not around anymore, it could be a wonderful thing for them to have each other. Totally not under estimating the effort it would take though. Just wanted to share that perspective.

Also agree with the above, that it’s your choice and your partner’s, no one else’s.

likehelpful

This is a great response and I 100% agree. The decision is up to you and your partner. I am pro-choice. However, I do think that there is something special about siblings - I have 2 that are very close in age and their bond is amazing. I think twins would be even more special.

Also, ask yourself how you would feel if the ex and stepkids were not in the picture. What if they move away? If the kids are older, they will be out of the house sooner.

Lastly, 36 is not old! Wishing you peace and health in whatever you decide to do.

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I am so sorry you feel this way. I hate to be the person to say this or ask it this way but would you feel the some way if your husband's ex and kids were not in the picture? Also, if things don't work out with him and the 2 kids become less your priority and someone else's, would you regret not having your twins?

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I’ve wrestled with that myself. If I had a husband with no baggage and I was a few years younger I probably wouldn’t be as freaked out/filled with dread about twins as I am now. But, that’s not my situation and I chose to be a step mom and take on all the baggage that has come with it. The kids are wonderful, and I love my husband (and them). But, our lives are not easy nor do I get a lot of choice due to the kids lives and their moms life.

If we divorced, I don’t know if I would regret it. I feel like taking care of 1 vs 2 on my own would be easier…

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Mom of 3 here. With this being your first offspring, I don't think you can conceive of the love you will have for these kids. It is like no other! If you reduce because you think it will be hard, even one is hard, but 1000% worth it. And you're not old! Basing it on fear or your husbands ex will only fester resentment for years to come. You can do this and you'll be blessed and thrilled that you two shining little faces! :) :)

likesmart

2nd that on mothers love. It's like a tsunami. no way to explain how it feels until you've felt it.

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I have twins. Don’t think for a second I did not panic when I found out. I cried, I worried, I honestly was not the person who ever yearned for twins, especially after having two other kids first. They are now older, beyond the baby and toddler stage. These little girls have added more to my life than I ever could have imagined. I’m not telling you this to convince you, but I want you to know it will be ok. You are not wrong for feeling how you feel. You are entitled to all of it.

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We had some help from family but in general one parent would visit the NICU at a time so the other parent could remain with kids. I was 37 when I had my twins. No spring chicken!

I did want to post an update here. I ended up doing all the testing that was available to me to see if both babies were in fact healthy. One was not. Baby B was not growing and was missing an artery between the lung and the heart. The doctor said if I wanted to move forward with reduction it was a no brainer. This was 15 weeks. She emphasized that if I did the reduction Baby A had a much better chance of going to full term and not having any major issues.

I did my reduction at 17 weeks.
I’m now 26 weeks with a healthy Baby A.

Was I sad? Absolutely. But having one healthy baby is better than none. And knowing my pregnancy would be more likely to go to full term also made this easier to swallow.

When I first posted I had a multitude of reasons for being scared about carrying two. But ultimately my gut was telling me something wasn’t right.
Key thing here, always listen to your gut. Your body. And you know best.
This is also timely because had I lived in another state I may not have been given the option my doctor gave to me, and both babies may not have made it this far.

It is your body, it is your choice.

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Sending love your way

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What you’re feeling is valid but also there’s so many hormones in play right now that may make your mind believe things it usually wouldn’t.

You can 100% do this and handle twins. It’s harder, sure. But only for the first year. Then I think it’s actually easier Bc they have a play mates and it’s actually so special to watch.

I don’t know any other twin moms who regret having twins, but j do have friends who regret terminating

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Those that terminated was it reduction or just regular termination. I have a few friends who have terminated but none of them have regrets due to where they were in their life.

As a twin myself, please don’t do it. I couldn’t imagine my mother terminating one of us, to keep the other. I know three different mothers with twins, some with very difficult life circumstances, and they seem to benefit from the twins playing with each other.

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M2 - good point in that I have an only and I feel they need so much more of my time and energy than if they had a twin to play with.

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When we did fertility treatments they made us acknowledge the risk of multiples, you doctor should have covered this with you

IMHO reduction is for when there are medical issues. Can you live your life wondering what other child might have been like? What life would be like for your child if they had a sibling?

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Still a risk of multiples with IUI because they generally stimulate your ovaries. If anything better chance of singleton with IVF because you can put just one back.

Those wheee good size follicles, not sure where they came up with 1%. Maybe if one was 18 and one 7

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I think there’s a pretty decent chance that both your husband and future child will harbor some resentment if you decide to reduce. Yes it’s possible you would feel resentment the other way in the worst moments but I’m more confident in mothers love winning out there than your husband/childs complex feelings. Either way, I would plan for therapy for after childbirth I guess.

likesmart

I’m truly sorry about the stress of this situation. If you choose to keep both babies, you will be able to do it. You are stronger than you think. Twins are hard. The beginning will be hard. That being said, I’ve never met someone who regretted having a child, but I’ve met a lot of people that regret not having more or terminating pregnancies. I suggest going to therapy either way. It will help you cope with your decision

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A lot of people have mentioned therapy. We regularly see a couples therapist to help us navigate (mostly) the chaos of his ex and the kids. It’s been incredibly helpful and we’ve grown closer because of it. This will obviously be a topic, but probably won’t make the decision any easier.

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That's really smart to have an objective 3rd party help navigate. You might also check with the clinic where you were cycling. They normally have folks that can share their experience with each option or point you towards additional info and support.

helpful

I had twins at 37 and had other children. I strongly suggest having them. It’s such an amazing bond between twins and you will never regret bringing another baby into the world.

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I DID!!! MESSAGE ME. Ignore those who have never had to ponder the question. I can put you in connection with women who have had it.

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Plenty of people have had to ponder the question but for medical reasons when it was one goes or they lose both.

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For those saying that if I reduced I’d have an only, this child or children will already have two half siblings. They are 4 and 5 and are wonderful kids. I myself was an only child and honestly, I didn’t hate it. Now? Sure it would be great to have someone share the responsibility of my parents but it is what it is. I think society puts so much pressure on women to not have an only child. The reason I only wanted one to begin with is I knew this kid would have the best of both worlds, only child but also half siblings to play with. I get that it won’t be their twin, but, my worry is if I keep both there are health risks for both babies instead of just one. Twin pregnancies are higher risk, as well as my age.

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Yea the issue is we don’t have family near us, nor are they able to help (my dad is 78). We already know we will have to hire some help but again it’s not just about the toughness of twins. I am worried about myself in the pregnancy, my health, and the health of the babies. Twin pregnancies are high risk. My age is high risk. Its double high risk. Yes it’s closely monitored but that doesn’t mean it’s safer.

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OP most (if not all) of these responses are from moms are cautioning against this, I haven’t seen any that are advocating for this.

I was you, i know it seems shocking to think of taking care of two babies but you will find your groove and it bring you so much joy you will wonder if you ever loved anything so much. It may take a few months but give it time, they will be such a source of light in your life. You can do this!! There are courses and sleep consultants you can hire or take designed for twins. You will find a schedule. You will and can make this work.

likesmart

It seems like you already know what you want to do and you just hoping we will convince you to go through with it

likesmart

Was literally posting looking for someone who went through the experience so I could get real feedback. And, I did. But thanks for that insight

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