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Additional Posts in Depression/Anxiety Talk
I wish I had someone to hug me
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Just be a better person you were than the day before, little by little. The best dating advice is self improvement. As you improve, you’ll draw in the people that matter, polarize the people that don’t. I feel your struggle, and know that you’re not alone in your pain.
A1 - puppies are the next best thing.
I feel this way and I'm female.
I doubt this is true. There is someone out there for everyone.
It sucks that you guys feel the same way I do. At the same time, however, I do take some consolation in the fact that others feel the same way. We all have to find our own ways to cope.
I hope you find yours.
I do things to pamper myself when I feel down. I go get a massage, mani/pedi, or go float (look up flotation therapy). You need to show yourself some love.
I don’t believe that anyone has, is, or will ever be interested in me. I don’t understand why, but it is clearly true.
The way I get better isn’t to keep trying and to try even harder. It’s to stop trying. Give up and accept that nobody wants to be with me and cope with this fact.
The harder I try, the more it hurts when it doesn’t turn in to anything, the more worthless I feel, and the more strongly I consider suicide.
I feel better when I release some of that pressure. I’ll never date. I’ll never kiss. I’ll never have sex. But, maybe I won’t kill myself. I can’t think of a better approach.
Oh and OP, it is really not necessarily to be thoughtful all the time, don’t over interpret things , don’t overthink, be natural and be yourself, and bear in mind you don’t need to use all those things “10% body fat “ “50 play bills” to quantify how awesome you are. Those are not necessarily equivalent to being perceived as awesome. Be yourself, and know yourself better.
Haha consultants only know how to solve things. Sympathy you can find on reddit.
Can we connect two people who feel the same way and let them date? Try to see if things may change?
OP - I also think there’s someone out there for you... not just saying that either. Dating is hard for most people and of course it’s harder for some of us than others. Personally I think it’s important not to connect that lack of validation with our own self-worth, while acknowledging there’s always things we can do to better ourselves. And remember there’s a lot of fish in the sea and some of those fish are you looking for you too.
And I don’t expect any of you to be able to answer these questions. These are things I struggle with and discuss with my therapist.
It’s a lot easier said than done to change the lens through which you view your own self worth. Of course I agree that I should just be happy all the time regardless of what happens. We all know it’s not that simple.
To me, not connecting it with self-worth is a mind state shift. Maybe a difficult one, but certainly a possible one.
One, I feel it’s about connecting your worth to aspects of yourself that you’re more in control of, things that define you, things you can be proud of and love yourself for.
Second, and I think this is hard for a lot of us, is remembering that rejection doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with you. It often means the two or you weren’t a good fit. But the world is large place.. with a lot of different people.. so yes I do think some of these people are absolutely a right for you. Some of us just have to look a little harder.
Sorry for the novel.. I’ve been through his before
I hear you. But everyone has their experiences at their own pace. More importantly, I’m implying that “Being bad at dating” <> “Something is wrong with me as a person.” We are much more in this world than boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, etc.
Idk your life story, but at 26, it’s unlikely you’ve really explored the variations of people in this world to know there’s no one for you. Now if you specifically want to be better in the world of dating and make finding someone easier.. then maybe.. MAYBE.. you could reflect and grow in some areas. And by “some areas” I don’t mean fix everything every Tom, Dick, and Harry has ever said was wrong with you. I mean things you want to change for yourself that.. yes... may also help you in dating.
But once again.. dating being difficult or not.. has no bearing on your worth as a person.
Please do not insinuate that I’m not working on myself. I have 10% body fat and abs. I’m a stylish ninja. My friends say I’m the funniest person they know. I’m a very good singer and guitar player. I volunteer most weekends at an animal shelter. I’ve traveled to many places. I have a collection of over 50 playbills from broadway musicals I have seen. I’m actually going to nyc this weekend to see 4 more. I could discuss for hours the nuances of the fall of the Ancien Regime in Europe and how it has impacted the modern geopolitical landscape. I’m thoughtful. I keep track of my friend’s birthdays, I call them, I buy thoughtful gifts, and I check in on them regularly to see how they’re doing.
I started becoming seriously depressed about 4 years ago. In that time, I have worked constantly to improve every aspect of myself that I can think of. I’ve never stopped. I moved away from home. I hired an image consultant. I asked friends for advice and took it. I tried new things, went to events, and practiced starting conversations with strangers. I became a better person.
Still, my anxiety and lack of self worth have held me back. My lack of sexual and dating experience have made me terrified to “make a move” at times. So I started seeing a therapist and I have for the past year.
And still, despite all of that, nothing has changed. Not really. Not fundamentally.
I still haven’t had sex. I’ve been on 2 dates in my life. 1 didn’t really count because it was set up by a friend and I wasn’t actually interested, but I went along with it anyways because I was hopeful my perspective might change (and I wanted the experience). The second was real, but didn’t go anywhere. I’ve used apps, but I just don’t get enough matches. The very few I do get either won’t talk to me or won’t go out with me, despite often acting interested and receptive. One girl on Tinder recently told me I had the best opener she’d ever heard. I asked her out. No response.
It goes without saying that I haven’t kissed.
I don’t know what the best way to explain my problems is. Certainly, my fear and anxiety play a major role. I’m working on that with my therapist. Besides that, I could do a better job of getting out more. However, I struggle to find things that I would enjoy. I’m not a bar / club person. I barely drink. Almost all singles events revolve around drinking. I’ve tried a number of meetups, philosophy clubs, history clubs, random activity clubs, a hiking club, foodie club, and others too. I met a girl I really really liked just this past week. She seemed interested and receptive. I actually talked to her and got her number. Texted her, then asked her out and...no response. The natural assumption is that I’m texting some awful thoughtless shit, however, you should know that I conferred with two female friends independently for advice on what to send. I don’t do anything without being thoughtful.
At some point I become exhausted and I don’t want to try any more. Can you really blame me?
Mind you, it’s not like this is my full-time job (though it feels like it sometimes). I’m putting all this effort in while trying to succeed at work.
If that was directed at my comment, I wasn’t referring to changing yourself. Apologies for the lack of clarification there. Speaking on my behalf with no insinuation to your situation/for context: I didn’t change myself, what I did do was change my situation. I was in the same boat - anxiety, lack of self worth, lack of sexual and dating experience - same stuff. Not to say that this will be the same realization for you, but I realized that I was over thinking everything related to ‘dating/sex’ so much so that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss this guy or if I wanted to ‘get it over with.’ So when the next *reasonable* person who was interested in me came along, even tho I wasn’t sure whether I was interested in him or the experience, I just went for it. So from now on I’ll know because that question of “do I want the experience” is out of the way.
What may translate to your situation, however, is I also thought something was wrong with me. But once I found and put myself in the right situation for me, I realized that it wasn’t me, just wasn’t the right place/time/people.
Also in this time I had the sudden realization of how brilliant Nike’s slogan is 😂
Best of luck OP. HMU if you’re ever in DC.
A2 - the problem is that I’ve never met anyone who is interested in me. I don’t understand it. It’s definitely hard, but I do work up the courage to “just go for it” sometimes and the result is always getting ghosted or rejected.
I don’t see how that doesn’t imply there’s something wrong with me. What are the facts?
1. I’ve never dated, had sex, or kissed
2. The vast majority of guys my age have done all of these things
This strongly suggests that it’s a problem with me. Furthermore, I have expressed interest in girls before, but it’s never been reciprocated. What’s more likely?: I have a problem, or every single girl I’ve ever been interested in has a problem?
A3 - if this thread makes you feel bad, don’t read it. Don’t indulge yourself like I am doing.
Very honestly I was in a rut and what you’re saying resonates a lot. I started to practice the “fake it till you make it” idea, and it really worked for me, I would go to bars where nobody knew me with a trusted friend and pretend to be a happy and confident version of myself. I ended up finding my current partner doing this last May. Before this I had never been in a relationship. I’m 24 for reference. Feel free to DM
I didn’t post here for solutions. I posted for sympathy. I got very little. What I got a lot of is criticism. So yes, I defend myself.
Can a person really be reasonably expected to live healthily with zero external validation his/her entire life?