{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Those of you who were married before you joined consulting, did you get pushback from your spouse? Mine was a MBB consultant before marriage. When I got an MBB offer our relationship changed (contd)..", "post_id": "5c146f65f89d7f00127914ed", "reply_count": 20, "vote_count": 1, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

Those of you who were married before you joined consulting, did you get pushback from your spouse? Mine was a MBB consultant before marriage. When I got an MBB offer our relationship changed (contd)..

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He basically told me I couldn’t sign the offer because he really valued family dinners and evenings at home and didn’t want me to do the job even though he knew how excited I was about it. This is after he himself had done the same job for years. We negotiated that I wouldn’t travel and would be at home for dinner every evening, which I was regardless of how challenging that was to pull off the entry level. I would stay up till 2 am to finish work and then wake up at 6:30 to do the long commute to the client. I compromised on topic/people/industry/sleep to commute 3 hours/day. He still had a problem with my doing the work. Would constantly tell me I’m not committed to the family because I chose that job, even though fresh out of bschool all I wanted was 2 years to immerse myself in the experience, learn, and make manager. While I think I bent over backwards to put myself through hell to do the job while being local (daily 3 less hours of sleep and 3 hour commute), he recently decided to take on a job for which he leaves at 7:30 and comes back at 10pm because it was ‘a great career opportunity’. How was that different from what I wanted to do? What about the family dinner now? How can I ignore all this to love him again when I am very ambitious? I am 10 years younger than him. I am asking for the same opportunities he seeked out for himself. I have earned these through my own hard work and effort. I honestly am trying to understand what is it that I am missing here and would love to hear your perspective/any similar situations with your SOs.

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OP, if I were younger, I’d leave that marriage so freaking fast. He’s sexist. There is a straight up double standard. Plain and clear. At your age you can find another guy. Career progression, once lost, turns you into the 6th year high school student that is late to make manager because you put a your man’s preferences before your own. If he wants family dinners and values that life, and he himself took a job when he returns at 10pm, then I don’t even know what else you need to hear. Next you’ll tell me he’s all about loyalty from you but he can have affairs. Where does the double standard stop? Aren’t you an equal person in your marriage? If you were 40, I’d say you at least got to try your career out and that it is hard to move on at that age. But I’d still tell you to watch him for double standards You worked SO hard. Don’t throw it all away for a guy who doesn’t value it.

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OP, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship anymore. You should move on. It can feel tough, but I think you already know the answer. Not worth staying on and hurting your health and career if you already see this not working. Completely agree with you on the values front. It is a core characteristic and when you both don’t align on it, just doesn’t make sense to try anymore

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OP, this is indeed a tough situation and I see why you feel the way you do. Two things I suggest - tell your spouse exactly how you feel about the situation including how you feel now given he has taken a similarly tough job. I think he needs to know how you feel. If he shows empathy and wants to change, that’s a good place to start to make things work (only if you truly want to, that is). If he has no inclination to change, you should listen to your instinct/ gut feeling. Everybody has a certain threshold and it looks like you’ve reached yours. Don’t listen to what others think you should do. Do what you feel like doing, deep within you.

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OP it sounds like he's issuing ultimatums and hinging his participation in the relationship on whether or not you accede to his demands. I agree it's not about the job - it's about the fact that he thinks it's ok for his preferences to override your dreams. That's an attitude that would keep coming up even if you acceded and quit.. Maybe even especially. It sounds like you've already attempted to reach compromise, and getting support and empathy from your partner isn't something you should ever have to beg for. I'm sorry you're going through this - I hope you have people you can reach out to for support. I can't speak to other firms, but I can say for me, letting my EM know I'm struggling with something and not fully present at the job has had positive results - it heads off them thinking that you're just lazy or not good. This is probably going to be something that's going to take a bit of time to extract yourself from - it might be worth opening up communication with someone at the firm to let them know what's up, that you'll be trying your best to maintain performance, and you'll be open to discussions if issues arise.

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Read your EM before you tell them you’re having personal problems. Some of these guys as a**holes and will just roll you off.

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BCG 1 - thanks for the note. Unfortunately deep down in my heart it’s over for me. We’ve had this conversation and there has been no apology or empathy. It’s not about the job as much as it is about what this meant in terms of values and a double standard. I don’t think he has my best interest in mind. For me I respected him before I loved him. I no longer respect him or feel valued around him. This is not how I envisioned things so it is very hard for me to process these feelings. Even at work I am now stalled. My network was very small because of no travel and 2 of my main sponsors recently left the firm. I feel like a new hire. I also have developed some major health issues and I am the only one from my recent projects with major issues due to which I point to the additional lack of sleep and blame him for it, and of course myself as he did not put a gun to my head. He though blames my health issues on my choosing the job vs. on the conditions he placed. I had no health issues prior to this. I was rated very strong in the first cycle in spite of all the madness so I know I can do the job but I feel like I’m giving up on both home and work when I really should not.

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You deserve so much better than this. It’s clear he does not respect or value you, your career or your ambitions.

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OP, only you have control on where your life goes from here. It sounds like you have had the needed conversations with your spouse and that has not elicited as positive results as you would have hoped. And, unless I am misreading, it seems he has doubled down on an unspoken “ultimatum” of sorts with the changed travel schedule. I agree with a lot of the feedback here and sending you support and strength. At this stage in your life and career adding toxic emotional elements and poor health beginning may not improve unless you make some changes. I’m not sure about your firm, but like EY said my company is very understanding of the life happens thing. I would hope yours is as well. You may want to reach out to a trusted manager or colleague or HR, etc to see what support and options available. If you can push pause for a couple of weeks and take vacation to figure out what YOU need, that would likely be a good start and set you on a thoughtful path. Talking to a counselor (with the spouse of he is amenable or on your own) may be another healthy immediate step. Sending positivity and light.

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You sound incredibly ambitious! That's awesome! And you know what? One day, you'll meet someone who can not only handle that, but celebrate that fact! You say you're ten years younger and want the same opportunities, but repeat that back. YOU're TEN years YOUNGER than him. You've got plenty of time to find someone who not only loves, but respects you, supports you and sees your career as valuable, too!

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Really sorry to hear this OP, you deserve to be supported by your SO!

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OP, I am so sorry. You deserve better. Your husband didn’t realize he was signing up for a woman as ambitious as he was — it’s clearly not what he wanted. He wanted someone to stick around and manage the home front so he could do his own thing. Can you safely leave?

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Here’s the best part. BECAUSE you stayed financially independent and got a great job, you can afford to leave and finance your life. You’re not one of those women who is tethered to a man because his loss would mean loss of lifestyle and financing. This is the moment parents prepare their daughters for, so they can make choices based on values not helplessness.

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Can you elaborate more on how your relationship changed?

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No push back but I took this job with the condition that 2 years in a M-Th travel position is the hard max for me out of fairness to him. I’ve also told him that at any time if this isn’t working for us as a couple, I’m out

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Do you plan to have children? If so, sounds like you need a new job or a new husband. Things should be easy as just the two of you. It will only gets harder.

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in a very negative way. We became very distant. I am almost 10 years younger than my spouse and can’t get over the double standard. I worked as hard as him, if not harder, to accomplish my career goals. Many have said I shouldn’t give up on the relationship because of the job. But I no longer want to contribute to the relationship because I feel I’ve been treated unfairly. Would love to hear your perspective.

What do you mean by you were treated unfairly in your marriage?

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It sounds like your values have diverged. You have to think about what you want and what he wants and whether there is a happy medium, otherwise... it’s a very hard place

It sounds like you need a leave of absence from the job and so. Take time for you, to heal. You deserve it.

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