Thoughts on hiring an escort to gain sexual experience? 23/M who has no experience of intimacy with women

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OP my heart goes out to you. At 23 to be coping with so much, and there’s clearly effort on your side but you seem so tortured. I loved the post where you showed confidence in your personal style and attractiveness factor. Would encourage you to find more positive things about yourself to celebrate. Maybe try to write down 1-3 positive things about yourself every day and/or what you’re grateful for.

I also love that at 23 you even know what love languages are and you’ve taken the time to discover yours. You are well ahead of the game there.

For quality time, maybe you can help feed that need with more contact with family or friends. If that’s challenging then maybe try group classes in something that you would enjoy? I think the more you try to put yourself in group situations that help to build your confidence and expose you to like minded people you may meet someone naturally

For touch ...I mean this seriously - maybe explore non-sexual things as well. For example go to a nice spa and get a pedicure and a massage.

Finally, maybe consider an emotional opportunity dog? They are called man’s best friend for a reason, and they are super cuddly.

My personal advice to you would be to avoid the escort route ...

likehelpful

I'm filing this thread under "Straight People Problems." I can't imagine having a base level mutual attraction with 50% of the population and still not being able to find anyone. I had to date gay men while black, which is like being a cat who wants to date mice, and if I now have a bf, it should be possible for anyone to find dates.

I find it hard to believe OP is doing *everything* right in order to find a date. I'm doubling down on my first comment of meeting new friends, for multiple reasons. For one, if anyone had suggested to me to get an escort for my first sexual experience, I would cut them out of my life. That is such shit advice when you could swing a dead cat at a busy intersection and hit someone you have a mutual attraction with. And not to mention, escorts are illegal where most fishbowlers are coming from. Good grief.

As the self-proclaimed master of online dating, I can think of a thousand things that matter that OP, and hardly anyone else, surprisingly, hasn't mentioned. Assuming OP is fine in the looks department:

Pictures
- Good, quality pictures only. No bathroom selfies. No *shirtless* bathroom selfies.
- Every pic should show a different side of you, whether it's interests or the way you look/dress
- Ask a friend who's in a loving relationship, not a photo rating service (wtf?! Sounds like such a scam), how the pics look

Text
- You should only have a **brief** bit of text on your profile to describe 1) you and 2) what you're looking for (keep it PG unless you're looking for a hookup)
- You can talk about interests, personality (be careful what you say here), and favorite activities
- Ask a friend to evaluate your text for red flags. Maybe don't ask the friend who recommended an escort for someone in their mid-20s smfh

Chat (ooh this one applies to real life, too!)
- Don't be creepy. Don't message more than twice without hearing back from the other person. Don't suggest meeting until the other person has shown clear interest in you.
- Don't be creepy
- 1st message should include an icebreaker of some type, preferably something that comments on something you liked or found interesting on the other person's profile. If you don't have anything to say about their pics/text, then maybe you shouldn't go for them.
- Don't be a creepy "nice guy"
- Don't be awkward. Maybe have that aforementioned friend (not escort friend) look at your chat logs to see if you made a misstep. Or give them a play by play of a conversation you had and see if they can spot an issue
- Ok, a little bit of awkwardness can be cute and show that you care, but don't like, go on a rant about a politician you hate or ask the person weird sex questions right off the bat

Meeting irl
- Don't be creepy
- Have good hygiene i.e. Shower, wear deodorant, brush your teeth, do your hair, etc.
- Don't "expect anything" or be too forward about getting to kiss or w/e
- Don't stare at anyone for too long. This hella applies to real life as well. I have never been more creeped out than when this one guy kept staring at me from across the room, never looking away. I can imagine it'd be worse for women since a creepy guy can turn into a dangerous guy fairly quickly
- Smile. Be approachable
- Practice smiling before you meet people. Practice smiling for your pics, tbh
- Have conversation starters ready, but be ok with a little bit of silence during a conversation
- Read the room. Is the other person comfortable? Upset? Annoyed? Read it! And if you're not sure you can be like "Sorry, was that annoying?" Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship

Other
- Watch the movie Hitch lmao. It had some good stuff
- Practice, practice, practice. Practice talking to people (even people you're not interested in sexually). Practice making friends. Practice going on dates. And do a lot of self-reflection so that that practice is actually effective
- Uh, don't hire an escort?

likehelpful
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No, I wouldn’t recommend doing that.

likefunny

I think therapy would be a better idea than escorts, that way you can actually identify the root. Good luck, OP!

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"Too respectful of women" what even does that mean

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This is the last thing I’m going to comment about therapy. There are therapists whose field is specifically sex, relationships, intimacy, etc. They can help you find the root of the lack of them and improve in *those* areas.

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OP no this is a terrible idea. As an attractive female you’d probably want to date, id like to confirm that I’d much rather you bumble and be inexperienced than gain experience in a way that gives me the heebie geebies

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👆🏼 smooth 😂

likehelpful

I also signed up for a bunch of these dating sites like match, Cmb, hinge etc. and was literally going on 2-3 dates every weekend. That helped as well.

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I’m 25 and my current bf is 26 and I am experienced and have been in several relationships before him, and I am his first gf/ kiss / sexual anything / etc and I am head over heels in love with him. He sounds very similar to you OP and it was a matter of wrong place, wrong time. I believe everything happens for a reason, so hang in there, someone will come along when you least expect it. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find a hidden gem

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It’s certainly an approach... but I’m not sure it would help you get to where you want in the “real world” to call it something. I was a late bloomer myself and my barriers were being too shy and perhaps too respectful of women - taking every little thing they said or did as an assumption of not being interested. That and of course not being able to read hints that they were interested, when they were. I went to a psychologist, read a bunch of books and eventually figured out the riddle... not saying that’s the right approach for everyone, but just letting you know, there’s a path towards happiness outside of escorts...

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Per your prior comment, low match rates are pretty normal. That seems a bit extreme, so ask a friend to troubleshoot.

Also, keep it simple - no need to have super extended conversations, or even ask for their number before suggesting a low-risk date.

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Thanks ZS1 that is insightful. Maybe we should test the idea that I’d want to date you. My burner is phishbowl75@gmail.com. We can talk about Narwhals and manchego cheese.

likesmart

OP, I feel you. I'm a woman, so it's a bit different, but I was a late bloomer and it totally affected me. Having sex wasn't an immediate fix, but being sexual, feeling sexy were key factors leading up to me having sex for the first time (at 22) when I was completely ready and in control of the situation.

First of all, don't feel as though your sexuality is dependent on having a partner. Be nice to yourself, relax yourself, get toys and lube and find interesting ways to get off. Your sexuality is much much more important than only interacting with others

Second, I would consider starting an anonymous insta or Tumblr or something and practice taking sexy pictures and post them. Just get some of that vanity going, get your ego pumped up. Feeling sexy is really important to having the confidence to act

And finally, I definitely know that struggle for intimacy. I know you can find a woman who won't take your money, but who is also willing to kind of guide you through certain things and be patient and non judgemental. I'm an empath, and I know I would do that for someone.

Unlike other folks, I think most sex workers kinda get hired for intimacy anyway, so I definitely think if it's something you need to do, you can go for it. Might be better to find someone off of FetLife or something instead who wants to be your first.

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@OP, don’t pay to gain experiences, especially if you are new to this. If you are local to PHL, I’d be happy to take you under my wing.

likeuplifting

And even if you don't take me up on this very genuine offer, the spoiler alert is that nobody else is going to save you. You have to save yourself.

People can help and give perspective, but you're going to be the one with the burden. You're going to have to find worth and value in yourself even in the moments when your life doesn't look the way you want it to.

likesmart

I didn’t know that there were people who thought that Narwhals were not real 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️

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@OP, I would suggest hiring a professional photographer for your dating profiles. I did that and it immensely helped increase the number of matches.

likehelpful

I do volunteer at my local animal shelter a couple hours every Sat and Sun walking dogs and running adoptions. I love that ❤️

I also have lots of hobbies. I’m in NYC seeing 5 broadway shows this weekend. I have a 230 bowling average. I read a lot about history. I also enjoy karaoke. I play guitar. I’m THE credit card / points / personal finance guru of my social network.

I’m sure I could do a better job of finding like-minded people, but I have struggled thus far.

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