Tips for talking to SO about support through biglaw? Currently a third year and expected to leave by now but find myself enjoying it more and wanting to stay longer and maybe make a run for partner if I still feel this way and am as well liked in a few years. Struggling with how to bring this up to my SO and ask for more of his support bc I know my job is very hard on him and requires more of his flexibility/understanding and contribution to the household stuff than other jobs would.

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I think you just have to have an honest conversation with your SO something like— I think I could continue with biglaw but I know it puts a lot on you with with how demanding it is and you’re the most important thing to me so I just want your honest opinion like do you want me to keep going or shift to something with a pay cut but more manageable

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Thanks for this. I am working on staying more balanced (especially not getting so stressed) when busy but I think seeing your response helped bring that to the forefront more in terms of importance. I’ll certainly mention it to my partner as well.

It sounds to me like you have different drivers in life and that can be hard. My SO does not have the earning potential that I do so we decided I would pursue a more grueling path - he is supportive. He is also ambitious and his career is important to him. We have a LOT of help. Au pair, prepared meals, housekeeper, nanny when we need additional childcare. He understands my ambition and supports me but we also needed to find ways that others could help us because I can’t rely on him to do everything just because his job brings in less and is less demanding. He still has a career and interests but it helps that he understands my motivation and views it as a positive thing to us and our family.

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Does your SO actually want you to leave or just wants to complain? I’m a 6th year. We have two kids, I have no time, it is chaos. On occasion, my husband will complain about my lack of availability, so I’ll ask “well, do you want me to leave my job?” And then he remembers I make $500K and it would be wise for him to stop complaining and support me.

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Oh boy, take away the joint account and joint spending as a toe dip and see how that goes.

“Ambitious people only have two options when it comes to romantic relationships - to have a very supportive partner or no partner at all”. My answer would be - wtf, is he 5!? There is a problem cos you don’t have enough time for him and he has to contribute more to the housework? You probably contribute more financially. Sounds like an incompatibility to me, you will have to have an honest convo as to your future and what your expectations are. Dated a person like that in the past and he dumped me cos I didn’t honor his ‘attention demands’ when busy. He made me a huge favor. Found someone who supports me.

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Thanks for this. He’s ok in wanting a less busy partner but I agree it might be a fundamental incompatibility. Not at the point of throwing in the towel yet but we will see how it pans out.

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SO sounds like a bum. I'm in biglaw, also have periods where everything else has to fall to the wayside, but I'm very good at time management and still find a way to be an engaged partner. I'm also a mother to a toddler and am 8 months pregnant. Sounds like you two need to get on the same page or he needs to not guilt you about your career. You shouldn't carry guilt because a grown man can't handle doing his part.

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I’d also like to add that this problem isn’t exclusive to big law attorneys. Most attorney jobs are demanding.

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Absolutely. Just made the post more specific to my situation.

Just hire someone to pick up your slack. You can afford it.

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Yeah, I’m not sure being partner is worth sacrificing the rest of your life

Honest conversation is the only answer. We decided before biglaw that I would have the demanding job. Eventually once we had kids he quit to stay home. It is a hard balance as the bulk of house and kid items fall on him. We have regular communication and check in about what is and isn’t working. It isn’t always perfect and sometimes leads to tension. As my income has gone up, we’ve begun to outsource more things. I don’t know what I would have done if he had ever cried uncle and said it was too much, but I suspect I would have cut back at some point because it is a huge commitment on him for me to be a very successful biglaw partner. When things start to not go well, we look for where we can make change or hire more help to make it sustainable again.

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Thank you for sharing

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Fully support all the comments about hiring help. It truly helps keep the trains coming on time. But I find his general lack of support for your career concerning. You could be at a less demanding firm with lower hours required and still have a crunch period because of a major closing or two. That’s transactional law. Same would go for litigation. Picking a partner who will support you - truly support not just tolerate - is key to both a happy life and a successful career in a demanding field.

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What does so do?

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You guys have really different priorities for sure. What you’re asking isn’t unreasonable. Ask about couples therapy but don’t set your dreams aside for a guy.

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I’m at a similar point in my relationship. He resents my work even though he was supportive when I accepted the offer and knew what was coming. I too am not willing to throw in the towel but am out of new ideas for how to balance work, relationship, and mental health. We’re going to start couples counseling, it might be an idea worth considering as well

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Seeing a lot of negative comments about SO, so I just thought I’d add that I think it’s sweet that he misses you when you’re busy.

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What “support” are you specifically looking for? Have there been incidents that indicate he doesn’t understand or want you to continue in Big Law?

Counsel 2. Yup, 20 years of resentment and currently in an awful divorce where he is now asking for alimony.

I am also dealing with a similar situation with my SO. It totally sucks. I’m sorry you are going through this.

He is not unreasonable to want you to have a more consistent, predictable schedule. You are not unreasonable for enjoying your BL career or in your desire to continue growing in your role. Is there a middle ground that you can see working for you? If not, it may be time for this relationship to end and for each of you to find someone who is more compatible with your preferred lifestyles.

Maybe you can afford some extra house help to make up for your choosing to be too busy to help as much as you both would like as a compromise to help keep him happy and not feeling like he does all the work

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