{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Tl;dr \nAbout to get married, my mother and mother in law don’t get along at all. Tips to keep them separate. \n\n———-\n\nI’m about to get married, 32F, and my mother and mother in law are both opinionated headstrong women who have polar opposite values and opinions. How to manage them? Just need to make it through the wedding and then afterwards I have accepted that whatever relationship I wanted them to have won’t happen ever.", "post_id": "60fdbddafbbd9700288b132b", "reply_count": 6, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

Tl;dr About to get married, my mother and mother in law don’t get along at all. Tips to keep them separate. ———- I’m about to get married, 32F, and my mother and mother in law are both opinionated headstrong women who have polar opposite values and opinions. How to manage them? Just need to make it through the wedding and then afterwards I have accepted that whatever relationship I wanted them to have won’t happen ever.

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Why is that your job? All 4 of our parents hate each other and we didn’t have to manage them. They are grown up, they can stir clear of each other in church and at the happy hour and at the dinner and on the dance floor. A wedding is already incredibly stressful, if they are behaving like children let them cat fight and focus on your happy day with your SO

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Absolutely this. Grey rock on wedding plans if they have strong opinions about the event itself and don’t worry about it after the fact.

Have your SO and you both talk to your respective mothers to ask them to be civil to each other for the sake of your wedding. Seat them away from each other and ask some friends or relatives to run interference.

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Are you getting what you want out of the wedding or trying to give them both what they want? Are either of them paying for the wedding? We ran into this with ours, but it was my husbands mother and his step mom. His father paid for 99% of the wedding, his mother gave a sizable gift towards the wedding as well, more so when you factor in her income. I found that accepting money from people towards the wedding came at the cost of their opinions. They all said the gift had no strings but at some level it was weaponized to get what they wanted. It became incredibly overwhelming and to combat it, my husband and i came up with a plan. 1) outline your goals for a wedding, including things you absolutely do not want. 2) give people specific things to own and have creative control over. We have my MIL the bridal shower becauuse i really didn’t even want one, so didn’t care what it was like. Knowing my MILs personality, i knew she’d over commit, get overwhelmed, then back out - which is exactly what happened. And once she did, she kept quiet about other things bc she knew she didn’t have a leg to stand on. My step MIL got the engagement party. Basically, people are better editors than contributors. Establishing guidelines helps you delegate where necessary and put your foot down on things that takeaway from your goals. When you state them as goals, people are self-reminded that it isn’t their day. As another example, a big deal was made out of first dances. Who got one, how long it was, etc. My husband and i didn’t want them period so all this debate over being fair to both mothers was super stressful. The root of it was them both wanting to feel special and honored on a day that was not really about them. This is actually what inspired us to have the chat about what we were trying to craft with our day, the atmosphere we wanted, and things we wanted to avoid. We were able to give specific examples (i.e. first dances eat up a ton of time and while the tradition is beautiful, if we put the guests experience first - we do not want people standing around waiting to eat / get drinks for 20-30m). Outside of that - i just did not include people in planning decisions where i didn’t want opinions. I did my dress alone, decided my decor alone, etc. then to include people, i showed them pre selected options and showed them separately. So they each felt they were more involved than the other when really, i was just going through the motions.

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Out of curiosity between you and your future spouse, which one of you broke with the views of your respective mothers? My guess is 3 of you hold similar views. Try not to box out the one who is different. If they can’t get along during the wedding, future holidays and territorial ness may crop up there. It may be best for each of you to have a conversation with your own mothers, note the tensions between the two mothers and ask howd they best like to make it for a stress free event. My guess is they’ll come up with their own solutions (seating, having them on opposite sides in photos, agreeing to alternate who goes first in traditions).

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Right now it’s mom 1, mom 2, and me + fiancé as the 3 factions

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