{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "To the married women employees\n\nHow are you managing the household chores and work. Living at in laws house. The untold responsibility is only on me while the working men should be given rest . Not even weekends are spared.", "post_id": "6129412cf3afa30022fd0a0a", "reply_count": 101, "vote_count": 81, "bowl_id": "5f0372b0eecc0b001af4c310", "bowl_name": "Consulting India" }

To the married women employees How are you managing the household chores and work. Living at in laws house. The untold responsibility is only on me while the working men should be given rest . Not even weekends are spared.

likefunnyupliftingsmarthelpful
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You will find a solution, it will take and experience but it would. I have a supportive husband but I have stayed with my in-laws. My husband is a good son as well and sometimes he gets caught between me and my in-laws. They are good people but they just don’t understand the work pressure in IT world. Even though we are from a well to do family and can afford maids my mother in law doesn’t believe in one. She believes doing household cores ourselves helps to stay fit. I do agree with her but I don’t have time for it. The number of times discussion on maid turned into she claiming that “this is her house” and no one expects me to do the housework but the reality is there was always the expectation. I with the help of my husband tried our best to manage everything, till a point that it was too much to bear so we left and came onsite even though we were not interested. Now at on-site you have to do everything yourself but you have some freedom to do things your way like what to do when like how many times you clean the house, whether you cook full Indian meal/ breakfast/ snacks or something simple, we have dishwasher so washing utensils is not much effort, we have good dryer so no effort needed to hang clothes after washing, groceries are ordered online unless we go for grocery shopping for fun etc. We figured we don’t require onsite for this, my husband loves his parents and I respect my in-laws, we want to stay near them but can’t stay with their rules. So we somehow manage to buy another apartment close to them and use as much delegation ( read maid) and automation ( electronic appliances like dishwasher etc.) as possible to make life easy. So the solution is “delegation” and “automation” You don’t have to always move out you just have to figure how you can bring “delegation “ and “automation “ in your life. It will be a difficult part but you will have to start voicing your concerns ( without fighting, to maintain relations….in-laws demands may seem irrational sometimes but do remember their age is a factor, they may be doing through depression reflecting back on what they couldn’t get/ do in their life ). In worse case scenario you can say I want to quit as I can’t handle both job and house. I am sure no one would want you to quit and will try to find solutions with you.

likehelpfulupliftingsmart

THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I literally needed to hear this, getting married soon and these thoughts are constant, thank you :) :)

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<<The same husband here>> :-) Disclaimer: Purely my personal opinion, so you can agree to diagree. I have seen lot of people who say that moving away from parents is ok..I am not saying that you don't care for them or you are selfish. You might have your own reasons. But 1. In their old age, convincing yourself that you are taking care of them is not as important as being that someone who is available to talk to them anytime. They (parents/parents-in-law) long for company than comfort. 2. Would you move away if it was your parents and not in-laws (applicable to both genders in the marriage). 3. How difficult is it to give into their whims after making them understand the pain you would undergo in doing so. They are human too, so you have to trust them to understand. The first thing I told my wife after marriage and even before as well: "I am a son and bear the responsibility of caring for them. Everyone else comes next. So if ever there arose a confrontation between you guys, I will side with them even if they are wrong. I expect you to stand for your parents too over me if comes a need" But at the same time, I also told my mom that no matter what, I will always support her (mom). This way I could put the responsibility of being practical on both my ladies. So they would know when to stop. Trust me, it made my life easier. Be unto others what you want others to be to you. I care for my in-laws just as much as I care for my parents. I even confronted my bro-in-law on their behalf as they could not. I am not being preachy but the good intentions will rub off on your spouse/parents too. I am lucky to have an understanding wife who sees a mother in her MIL, and a mother who treats her DIL as she would treat her own daughter (my sister makes sure of this lol). I think these helped me stay with my parents under the same roof. Happy to hear other such cases too. P.S: I want to but won't apologize for the long post coz: 1. We get a lot of jokes/memes on married life, wives, etc which are biased IMO. So I thought talking some real positive examples will spread some cheer around.. 2. Its a Sunday, so I had the time to share my experience than look at another post on in-hand salary or package comparison.

likehelpful

Don't want to sound like a relationship advisor coz I am not. I hope you discuss with your spouse and find a happy medium. And in case it doesn't work, then I guess you are justified in moving out. Short term pain is better than long term discord. They will probably start seeing your pov and come around. Not for nothing they say, "distance fosters fondness".

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Here everyone is suggesting to move away from parents or move to near by flats.. ! M women I have lived all my life with my mother in law.. never thought of leaving away from her.. though we had many differences in terms of culture, household works. Over the time everything got settled.. the patience, acceptance which I shown towards her during first 4 years of my time with her, without having any expectation from her.. she later took care of my daughter when I was away to office..!! I love her, she didn't love me much but took care of my daughter so well for which I am always greatful for.. I never left her single day in day care facilities... never think of leaving parents.. !! I worship my parents, similarly I worship my MIL... yes I am damn strict about career..! I could manage everything well, just a pure heart dedication is required.. !! I would never appreciate leaving parents alone in the name of modern work culture.. !! Work is part of life, parents are your life..

likeupliftingfunny

Your daughter is her granddaughter. She didn’t do anything special or out of her way, she was just taking care of her offspring’s offspring. You deserve better. You deserve respect and love and from what you are saying, your MIL is pretty nasty. I hope things get better for you.

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I am going through divorce!

likesmarthelpful

Parents teach their daughters that they have to go somewhere else so they learn to manage, adjust and compromise. But in my opinion, marriage is a real test for men. They have to balance out everything. They have to give all rights to their wives without compromising on their parents respect. They have to take care of their parents without neglecting their wives' needs. If men could play their part properly, half of the problems can be solved. But they don't want to jump into all thus. They keep ignoring such situations which demand their involvement to settle out.

Have a supportive husband or don't get married if you are serious about your career

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A husband here.recently married..same situation.. caught in btw. Daughter in law can't be a daughter, mother in law can't be mother... Unless both parties keep thier ego aside and help eachother. Till then husband role is a nightmare.. specially if husband is the only son then gone case, both wife and mother tries to own him and follow their thoughts... Was thinking before marriage my mom would not treat my wife with those rules but after marriage situation is different. Coming to wife..was thinking she would listen and agree with me to handle or care my parents well .. but reality is different So called life 😉

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I live with my parents and try to convince them to let go off old stuffs and find ease but it's the hardest thing to convience them.. they think we are wasting money or they are super heroes cable of doing on their own & doesn't support much. They are right at some point but honestly they are not changing with time. I believe in creating the ecosystem for labours, household maids, cab drivers, local vendors etc. After all we can afford them at this point and they surely deserve incentives for doing our extra cores. Nothing wrong in it, if I'm earning enough at least I should ease my life as well as my parents life. So yeah I'm single but to some up in your scenario I believe "Boys/Men should take the call" being a daughter I can discuss or maybe convience my parents but a daughter in law can't. So it's husbands responsibility to make everyone's life easy maybe with the help of automation or extra money/incentives to other vendors who are working hard and really deserve to get hired.

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Most of the people here are suggesting to move in to near by flat but practically its not possible in Indian society if you are living in same city as your in laws'. Please learn to ignore in laws comments/taunts and help in house hold chores upto a certain limit only. For rest of the chores, arrange a maid and if your in laws are not ready for maid then leave those chores on them. Do not care much about your image n al. Let them think whatever they want to think about you. Be happy and behave good with everyone.

likesmart

@Deloitte: The same parents feel bad when their son in law does not take stand for their daughter in her in laws place. Indian society is full of ironies.

Women always creates problems for other women (most of the times)!!! So many rules they want other women to follow

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With permanent wfh being a possibility in the near future, it really becomes difficult to convince the in-laws and move to a different city. The sad reality in most (read MOST not ALL) Indian households is that in-laws expect their DILs to treat them as her own parents but themselves treat her as a DIL and not a daughter. -- A soon-to-be DIL and wife and getting anxiety attacks thinking about life post marriage

likefunny

These are legit. Just think if you're husband is worth it. Whoever stays in marriage despite such in-laws, can only do if husband is good. Is you don't have a good relationship with him, you will be all alone in the while world. Can't speak to parents, can't speak to friends or anyone else...

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Please start speaking up. Tell your husband that you are not comfortable doing all the household cores and you need his support. This problem will have no solution until you are with your in-laws. Suggest you to move to a nearby flat where you can stay with your husband. Have maid and cook and this will help you unwind and enjoy life. Constantly that pressure of expectations from in-laws and you doing things when you are not feeling good about it, is not good for your mental health for a long term. Please take a stand for yourself, for your wellbeing!

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For me the husband also sided with his parents ..a well educated senior con working with Deloitte decided to call off our marriage rather than explain his parents the correct thing For him moving out is a sin and the wife should pay her entire salary to inlaws if she can't do household chores I am very sad that there is no justice for girls going through this. Even organization support employees calling even the litigation personal matter of the employee In my opinion only solution to teach lesson to such people is social disapproval!

likeuplifting

A husband here... Recently got married...After hearing from both side and understanding the situation, I have decided to goto Bangalore and settle down there and come back before Diwali. initially it was hard to convince my parents but eventually they agreed as staying in Bangalore was initial plan. Since it's about working women and men, Best advice is to move to your work location and keep coming in 3-4 month back ro hometown and stay there for a month and again go back.

likesmarthelpful

What if inlaws come permanently to ur work loc 😃😃

funnylike

I love my parents in law and we spend a lot of time together. However we do not stay together, we stay very close to each other. Every family has their own way running a house and there is nothing wrong in that. Everybody needs space. So you may think of moving somewhere nearby.

likehelpful

A different perspective and not very difficult to practice. In my case, my parents are dependent on me (or so I thought), so i wanted to find a way out to make it work. Couldn't imagine a situation where I lived away from them as that's how I grew up (in a joint family with grandparents). I really liked the aspect where you didn't let your care come in the way of your independence. More power to you and your ilk!!

i was at the verge of getting divorce as most of the household responsibility was on me but i came at my parents house living there only for the time being. now everybody is working in kitchen at inlaws but at that time no one was supporting. also there was lot of pressure at work as well so i was not able to manage.

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Happens.. and now they would have order from swiggy or zomato too. 🤣😅 otherwise they would only eat home cooked food.

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Not only married women employees, I'm bachelor boy since lockdown facing issue from parents everyday to get married soon.

funny

It looks funny but really I feel worrisome. Is it good to worry about career or marital life. And everyday when I read news on marital problems it's horrific

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I had my mother (who’s keen on getting me married) read this thread 🤣🙈

likefunny

@D3 - she gave up half way when she came across some “divorce” posts 🙈

funnylike

You should try to take help from husband or hire a full time maid

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You can discuss your problem with your husband and can go for maid. Women are equal too!!

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Oh how this question hits home. I think the key here is having an understanding with your partner and they should acknowledge the fact that life isn't as simple for you living with the in-laws (esp if you have lived independently from many years) and there definitely are a lot of unsaid expectations from Daughter in law just like it's true that men are caught in middle more often than not. We know it just is. If your partner can really understand and acknowledge your situation, then they could work together with you to ease the life for everyone and convince their parents for alternate solutions e.g. using automation or living in a different flat in the same city or living in a different city. If nothing works out, atleast they can/should lend you a helping hand if you are both working and shield you from any snide remarks from in laws regarding you not contributing to kitchen work etc. during your work hours. Again, the key 🗝️ is understanding & acknowledgement, otherwise they might get you a maid n cook all you want and could use this as an escape to pick on you next time for some other thing that you didn't do.

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I also had a tough time during last lockdown but I was so emotionally invested with my marriage and divorce was a difficult option. Hence we both found ways like full time house help so that you dont have to be available when maids are around, rest we divided lot of stuff among us which help can't do like online groceries etc. For now, it is working.

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