{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Told my SO I'm only ok with them hanging out with a questionable individual in a group setting but I secretly wish this person was completely cut out. They're the definition of a hot mess that has burned bridges with all mutual friends. No boundaries. I don't believe there's cheating but I am very uncomfortable with the person (zero trust) and my SO's naivete who was also defensive. We talked it out but now I feel like I have my hand ready on a rip cord for our relationship after this red flag.", "post_id": "60fed7ac6d46250023cf75c5", "reply_count": 32, "vote_count": 8, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession " }

Told my SO I'm only ok with them hanging out with a questionable individual in a group setting but I secretly wish this person was completely cut out. They're the definition of a hot mess that has burned bridges with all mutual friends. No boundaries. I don't believe there's cheating but I am very uncomfortable with the person (zero trust) and my SO's naivete who was also defensive. We talked it out but now I feel like I have my hand ready on a rip cord for our relationship after this red flag.

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I once knew someone incredibly vengeful and toxic. I wouldn’t have put it past her to start rumors about things just to get a kick out of it. She became increasingly more erratic throughout the course of our friendship and I cut ties with her completely. I told my SO that under no circumstances should he ever find himself alone in a situation with her because I had no doubt she’d try to pull something and then claim something happened between them just to mess with our relationship. It was my friend, not his, so it wasn’t really an issue to him and he was aware of some of the questionable things she was doing and saying already. I trust my SO 100% but honestly sometimes it’s just better to not even put yourself in drama’s way.

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Yes that was my thought to just completely avoid the drama but I also felt it wasn't my place to say they can't be friends any more. I need my SO to make that decision and let me have some peace in the meantime by ensuring some other people around that might have clearer perspective than a hot mess and someone who is new to relationships.

There are a few women I try to stay away from because my wife doesn’t like me hanging out with them for “historical reasons” (before we were together) it is not like anything would happen from either side, but none the less. Even though I don’t think it is rational behavior from her side, I don’t mind complying with her demands. Moral of the story: I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to ask your SO to ask to do something that (should be!) is a relative small thing for them but a big thing for you, even if it’s not 100% rational (because relationships aren’t and you love each other regardless).

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Thank you! Trying to reconcile head and heart. I appreciate your empathy for your wife and for me.

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The person you really don’t trust is your SO. You have insecurities there, and they masquerade themselves as you setting boundaries for another human being. Work that out first, then you can build real trust and then you’ll be okay with your SO doing anything.

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Sounds like the right steps. More communication to meet in the middle.

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There’s a reason your SO was defensive. Cut your losses. Even if nothing is going on, no point to be in a relationship without trust.

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"Don't touch another woman outside of a quick hug or handshake" seems pretty all inclusive to me

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My SO made it clear she never wants to be around anyone I hooked up with before her. No matter how long ago. I was kind of whorish at one point in my life and made some not amazing decisions. But I’ve never cheated and I would never cheat. I trust her and I don’t care who she hangs out with. If she wants to ruin this amazing thing we have, there is nothing I can do about it. I find it childish to be so up in arms and insecure about your SO. Really. You both are individuals. Why do you care who I was before I met you? I am certainly not that person any longer.

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A3 - thanks for sharing. I appreciate your perspective and wish you and your SO the best! I think in my case that it's continuing to work through my issues but also being patient and proactive in helping my SO in adjusting to being in a relationship through talking. Neither of us are mind readers and I don't know where else he's not sure what is okay when solo vs in a relationship.

It takes 2 to cheat. Makes sense that you're not comfortable with this person hanging out with your SO but understand that your SO may just be defensive because you're implying that they can't be trusted, not because they want to cheat on you.

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Yes I'm probably a bit jaded. I have seen people take advantage of others like a friend woke up with a girl on top of him after drinking. He knew she was interested but always kept boundaries until that happened.

Of the many things to have in a successful relationship, it’s trust and respect. If your SO does not respect that you are uncomfortable, then it won’t work out in the future.

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Yes thanks. I subscribe to the same thought and would respect their request if something was important to them.

Been in this position before but add that his friend was actively trying to sabotage our relationship. He eventually cut the friend out and realized dude was a user and a hot mess. When the friend tried to make amends a couple years later saying that he was a different person now BF told him he had to make things right with me. I told the friend to kick rocks!

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Yep! This was one of his friends from playing baseball as kids. He always got super territorial when his childhood friends got a girlfriend and would cause problems. It meant his free ride was over (free trips to the Hamptons, comped Vegas trips with the professional poker player friend, staying at my boyfriend’s nice Manhattan apartment for free and passing it off as his own, etc). He was so toxic. I’m at a point in my life where I don’t want or need that type of energy around me.

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