{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Trigger warning abortion: i want to keep my pregnancy but my Partner doesn’t want to… he wants to wait another year to have kids because we have only known each other less than a yr. We had a 2 hr difficult convo about it and i told him i would need a week to decide although deep down i want to keep it 🥺. Any ladies know what i can do/ say to navigate this?", "post_id": "617846ef40f6bd002b1ad75f", "reply_count": 221, "vote_count": 21, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Trigger warning abortion: i want to keep my pregnancy but my Partner doesn’t want to… he wants to wait another year to have kids because we have only known each other less than a yr. We had a 2 hr difficult convo about it and i told him i would need a week to decide although deep down i want to keep it 🥺. Any ladies know what i can do/ say to navigate this?

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He's told you he does not want a child right now. It's your body and ultimately your decision but you should make sure you will be comfortable raising a child on your own if he decides to not be in the picture.

A friend's sister is going through something similar. She had a little girl earlier this year but the child's father told her repeatedly he did not want to be a father right now. She really wanted to be a mom and decided to have the baby anyway thinking he'd change his mind once the kid was here (I know, I know). Fast forward to baby being born and she's shocked that he's only willing to pay child support but does not want to be involved and has ended their relationship. She really thought he might propose post baby and despite us trying to get her to plan better, she really didn't think about what life would be like if he chose not to be involved.

Depending on your personal beliefs and even age and health, getting an abortion or not may be a challenging decision. Talking to a therapist or just seeking counsel from someone trusted can help here ensure your decision makes sense for you.

The real point here is it's important to go in with full understanding of what you may be signing up for. If he says he does not want a child, he may come around but also, he may not. He has said he wants more time, and you should ask what that more time is for - to be certain about you, to progress more career wise, to save, or something else. That may give some insight into whether he will be involved. But if he does not change his tone will you be happy and okay as a single mom?

likehelpfulsmart

Yes, THIS ^^^. In my opinion, not even fair he is paying child support (that will not be popular opinion on this bowl, I imagine). Do not go into it thinking he will change his mind. And yes, expect your relationship will not make it through this. Just go in eyes wide open and
Make sure you are willing to live as a single mother. Your decision is a huge one with lifelong implications.

likeuplifting

Some of the comments here went a little left, OP do whatever decision you feel is best for you. Let’s all be 100% clear about something when an accident occurs, regardless of how, whatever good intentions exist, whatever precautions were taken… the parties responsible must take accountability for the consequences. This does not always have to involve saying it’s someone’s fault or placing blame.

Unfortunately, our society demonizes single motherhood and makes it sooooo easy for men to skirt accountability for their accident. But when we see a single father, notice how the narrative changes. It’s misogyny, plain and simple. Women carry nearly all the accountability, responsibility, burden and shame of pregnancy and the bar for men is subterranean at this point. Things need to be equitable first before we can talk about what’s “fair and equal”.

involving the man in the conversation about keeping it vs abortion is a PRIVILEGE (for him) and you were extremely brave in having that uncomfortable conversation with him. 💕💕 you can ABSOLUTELY cultivate a caring and supportive community to help you raise your child and that includes a surrogate father figure. Let’s release the narrative that it has to be the biological father lol… bc if he’s physically present but emotionally unavailable just cut me the child support check thx.

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This is so on point. An emotionally absent father is actually damaging for the child.

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Your body. Your choice.

likesmart

Just want to come here and give you a virtual {{{HUG}}}.

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This is a tough situation and sorry for everything you’re going through OP.

I personally don’t believe anyone should be forced into parenthood, which I believe would include being forced to make child support payments.

Also a relationship of less than 1 year really isn’t a long time. There’s a honeymoon period. I would feel the same way as your partner - for most couples it’s not enough time to even get engaged let alone bring another human into this world.

You should seek counseling from a professional. You should speak with professionals at places like Planned Parenthood to understand all your options in depth - have a baby as a single mother vs. adoption vs. abortion.

Whatever you do, do not have a baby assuming your partner can be convinced to be a father before he is ready. 99% of those relationships end badly, and it’s not fair to bring a child into the world with that kind of baggage.

likesmarthelpful

By comparison each time I take my car out for a drive I’m accepting the risk that I may get into an accident that I could ultimately be held financially or even criminally responsible for, intended or not. We’re adults, responsibility is responsibility, even if it’s not something we want or planned for. It doesn’t sound like OP woke up planning to get pregnant by a man she barely knows either but here we are.

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Final update: hi everyone, thank you for all the messages and perspectives. I wanted to clarify a few things:
- my now ex Bf didn’t bully/ coerce me. He made it clear im on my own, in fact he stated you can keep it but “ i wouldn’t be present at birth nor would I recognize the child as mine” that was the phrase that ended the relationship and reaffirmed my decision.
- my living arrangements is unstable atm
- i dont have family support system
- child support isn’t an option, he lives in Toronto
- Adoption was considered but ultimately both of us decided not to for personal reasons
- i decided to do a medical abortion since i was really early.
I’m at peace with my decision and I hope God forgives me… my dream is to have a family when I’m ready. 💕

likeuplifting

You did right by yourself and the future child. You know this is what was right for you

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Update: thank you all for the insight… I scheduled an appointment next week for a medical abortion… i still dont know if i will go through with it. My heart is so heavy 😭 please keep me in your prayers.

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Y’all can stop commenting. She already made her decision and followed through. Just show your support.

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Your body your choice BUT be prepared to do this solo/without a partner.

He’s been clear that he is not ready to be a parent and you need to be prepared that he may not “come around” to the idea of being a father.

Him paying child support <> being a parent

likesmarthelpful

Go with the decision you think you won’t regret in 10 years. Tbh, if he leaves, despite him saying he would be ready for a kid in a year , that is a red flag that he might not have been willing to commit to having a kid, even at the year timeframe .

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This answer is everything^

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My opinion, and I don’t have kids: Having a child one year sooner than planned is insignificant in the scope of things. I’d be concerned that if you choose to terminate, then have challenges or regrets later.
If he doesn’t want a child you can proceed on your own.

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With you CEO. Everyone is different for sure. But I look back with envy at the concept of a choice.

I’d focus on what he wants to accomplish in the year of waiting. Is it arbitrary? Is there something he thinks is missing in the relationship or concerns he has? Is there something in life he wants to do that he believes kids will hold him back from (career wise, financially, etc). Focusing on this aspects may deepen the conversation and maybe make a plan to hit those or make sacrifices in some areas.

My pregnancy was unexpected, but voicing through what we were worried about missing and how to make up for it really helped us with life planning.

likehelpful

Thank you all, ive read all of your responses 💕

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Whatever decision you make, that’s the right one for you ❤️ sometimes it’s helpful to receive an outsiders’ viewpoint to guide your decision / your approach, but it’s easier for strangers to make assumptions and give advice (myself included) without understanding every detail that led to your post. In short, you do you!

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If he did not want baby, why not use protection beforehand instead of leaving you with making this tough decision. He is half responsible for it though only your body will suffer because of this.

likesmart

I think the point is he’s old enough to understand the risks of sex, and by having (presumably consensual) sex, he accepted those risk, protection or not.

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If you want the baby, keep it. Just be prepared to actively parent your baby alone. Wishing you the very best!

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And if you choose this— and you end up parenting alone— you can do it! 😊

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When someone says they don’t know you well, it means they haven’t yet decided if they see you as a a long term/lifetime partner…which is reasonable, it takes time to come to that decision.

If you have the baby, you have to understand his position may not change, and may also possibly hinder your romantic relationship from evolving to the next steps (ie marriage). You should consider how life as a single mom may be for you, how it will impact you for the next 18+ years, and whether you can financially support the baby. The baby will live with you.

Do you want a baby under any circumstance? Or do you want to have a baby when there is commitment from both partners? Either answer is fine, it’s your choice. Just consider the challenges. Ps. i had an abortion and while I was emotional at the time, reflecting back, it was the best decision for me personally.

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Honestly by his disregard for how this impacts OP and the ghosting, I’d think this relationship is over anyway. How could you continue in a relationship after that?

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It's wild to me that women are on this app, equating child support payments to parenting.

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I don’t disagree with you, A4! And as I said before this is irrelevant to this discussion & only adds stress and confusion to OP, which is not at all the goal here.

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It is a miracle to be pregnant and you are fully capable of having that sweet baby and loving them. It really sounds like you don’t want to have an abortion, so let yourself be excited about motherhood and the joy of pregnancy. You can do it! Even without him! Regardless of him! No child is going to grow up thinking, man I wish my mom hadn’t kept me - they will be inspired by your bravery and love!

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P1- I am sorry you had such a difficult pregnancy. That sounds awful.

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I was in a similar situation, except my SO and I were together for two years and living together when it happened. He also told me he wasn’t ready and wanted to wait (since he was in masters school and still was not ready). Regardless, he said he would support me and would step up to be a daddy if we went through with the pregnancy.
I cried everyday for two weeks straight, but in the end I decided that it was not the right time for us. It was super difficult, and I cried a lot the year afterwards and it still hurts to think about (I literally cried hysterically about it two weeks ago). It was hard because all this happened at the beginning of Covid and it was a really stressful time. In the end, just make a decision you can live with.
It’s not an easy decision and I’m glad that I didn’t tell anyone at the time (but him) because I feel like I made the decision that I thought was best for the both of us. We’re still together and still want children in the future. I’d highly recommend therapy and talking to your doctor.
I’m still in therapy and SO is going with me now too. *hugs*

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An observation: people need to be less directive and biased with their commentary.

This is not about you or your belief system - it’s not about your political, religious, or personal agenda - it’s not about what has happened to you or your experience. It’s not about a woman’s right to choose at large.

This particular thread is about answering a call to provide data and information to this woman who is at one of the most significant crossroads of her life.

The definitive statements to abort or to preserve the pregnancy are unequivocally unhelpful. Do better.

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I’m pro-choice and that equally applies to women not being manipulated/coerced into aborting. If you want to keep the pregnancy and the only thing holding you back is the father, I would go with your gut.

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Therapy. this is too big of a decision to put emotion into, it's going to change your relationship significantly no matter what you decide

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