{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Trigger warning abortion: i want to keep my pregnancy but my Partner doesn’t want to… he wants to wait another year to have kids because we have only known each other less than a yr. We had a 2 hr difficult convo about it and i told him i would need a week to decide although deep down i want to keep it 🥺. Any ladies know what i can do/ say to navigate this?", "post_id": "617846ef40f6bd002b1ad75f", "reply_count": 221, "vote_count": 21, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Trigger warning abortion: i want to keep my pregnancy but my Partner doesn’t want to… he wants to wait another year to have kids because we have only known each other less than a yr. We had a 2 hr difficult convo about it and i told him i would need a week to decide although deep down i want to keep it 🥺. Any ladies know what i can do/ say to navigate this?

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He's told you he does not want a child right now. It's your body and ultimately your decision but you should make sure you will be comfortable raising a child on your own if he decides to not be in the picture.

A friend's sister is going through something similar. She had a little girl earlier this year but the child's father told her repeatedly he did not want to be a father right now. She really wanted to be a mom and decided to have the baby anyway thinking he'd change his mind once the kid was here (I know, I know). Fast forward to baby being born and she's shocked that he's only willing to pay child support but does not want to be involved and has ended their relationship. She really thought he might propose post baby and despite us trying to get her to plan better, she really didn't think about what life would be like if he chose not to be involved.

Depending on your personal beliefs and even age and health, getting an abortion or not may be a challenging decision. Talking to a therapist or just seeking counsel from someone trusted can help here ensure your decision makes sense for you.

The real point here is it's important to go in with full understanding of what you may be signing up for. If he says he does not want a child, he may come around but also, he may not. He has said he wants more time, and you should ask what that more time is for - to be certain about you, to progress more career wise, to save, or something else. That may give some insight into whether he will be involved. But if he does not change his tone will you be happy and okay as a single mom?

likehelpfulsmart

Yes, THIS ^^^. In my opinion, not even fair he is paying child support (that will not be popular opinion on this bowl, I imagine). Do not go into it thinking he will change his mind. And yes, expect your relationship will not make it through this. Just go in eyes wide open and
Make sure you are willing to live as a single mother. Your decision is a huge one with lifelong implications.

likeuplifting

Some of the comments here went a little left, OP do whatever decision you feel is best for you. Let’s all be 100% clear about something when an accident occurs, regardless of how, whatever good intentions exist, whatever precautions were taken… the parties responsible must take accountability for the consequences. This does not always have to involve saying it’s someone’s fault or placing blame.

Unfortunately, our society demonizes single motherhood and makes it sooooo easy for men to skirt accountability for their accident. But when we see a single father, notice how the narrative changes. It’s misogyny, plain and simple. Women carry nearly all the accountability, responsibility, burden and shame of pregnancy and the bar for men is subterranean at this point. Things need to be equitable first before we can talk about what’s “fair and equal”.

involving the man in the conversation about keeping it vs abortion is a PRIVILEGE (for him) and you were extremely brave in having that uncomfortable conversation with him. 💕💕 you can ABSOLUTELY cultivate a caring and supportive community to help you raise your child and that includes a surrogate father figure. Let’s release the narrative that it has to be the biological father lol… bc if he’s physically present but emotionally unavailable just cut me the child support check thx.

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This is so on point. An emotionally absent father is actually damaging for the child.

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Therapy. this is too big of a decision to put emotion into, it's going to change your relationship significantly no matter what you decide

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My two cents.

I dated a guy that really wanted kids. I became pregnant after being together less than a year while on bc. I didn’t feel comfortable having his child that soon. I made a trip to the doctor to terminate the pregnancy. 7 almost 8 years later, I have no regrets. I learned so much more about him throughout the course of our dating that I didn’t want to be stuck with for 18+ years. He eventually got another woman pregnant and is a crappy father.

Ultimately whatever you choose, someone may end up resentful. Picture the life you want to have including the type of family life. There’s a real possibility that this relationship may not work out. If it doesn’t, are you prepared to go at this alone? Also consider, it is more difficult for single mothers to find a quality mate.

Also, discern how you may feel if you terminate. They will show you the ultrasound, are you ready for that?

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Hi I know how hard of a decision this may be for you. Please thoroughly weigh the consequences of choosing the go through with the abortion especially on you. If you go through with it now and you get pregnant again and your current partner is still not ready would you be willing to go through on another one. It’s a noble thing to own up to responsibility and it looks like whatever decision you take the trajectory of your relationship would be changing since there’s this history behind it. Stay strong and know that it’s a beautiful thing to birth life in this world, the journey may be difficult but it would eventually be worth it ❤️

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Agree with D1. This is phrased to come across as meaning well, but doesn’t actually answer OPs question or come across as empathetic to her situation.

Sorry OP I’ve never been in your situation so I don’t have good advice but sending love your way and I’m hopeful that everything, including all possible choices in your scenario, happens for a reason 💙

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Keep it. He’ll come around and if he doesn’t he’ll be paying child support. You’ll regret having that abortion, and the resentment between you will ruin everything anyway. Do what’s in your heart.

likefunny

UDC1- he will not “come around” as he has been very clear on his intent not to have a child right now. More likely, he will be running the other way.

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I would make the decision completely independent of him. There’s no guarantee he’s around in a year or wants to have kids then. There’s no guarantee he’s involved if you have the baby now. If you want the baby and don’t have it that is likely the decision you will regret most.

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Just wanted to share my experience from a different perspective: I had an abortion because I was not mentally in a good place. My husband who was leaning towards keeping it, but he let me be the decision maker because it’s my body although the decision was going to affect both of our lives. I’m so happy he never put the pressure of having a child on me. I think with that mental state, I’d resent him and a child. His understanding and support helped me a lot, and today, I still think that I made the right decision. Because I would be a terrible mother, and no child deserves that.

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Keep that baby girl. It’ll be your biggest life regret someday

likefunny

C5, this is old and outdated thinking meant to guilt women into keeping their pregnancies. Please don’t speak for others.

I’ve had 2 abortions (one in my 20’s, one in my 30’s) with zero regrets (now in my 40’s).

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Keep your baby, I know someone who was in the same exact situation and 4 years later she still lives with so much regret because she wanted the child. She is happily married with children and still refers to oh old he first child would’ve been.

likefunny

Exactly. I have a few of anecdotes of friends in this exact situation that live in 0 regret and have other kids and are happily married. It’s a personal decision and D12’s friend (and mine) are irrelevant in the decision.

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When I got an abortion, 6 weeks after the wedding, the dr told me “You are not opting to never have children, just not right now”. My husband and I had been together for 4 years by the time we got married and even then we wanted more time to grow as “us” before bringing in another human. We waited 5 years to have children. Kids put a strain on relationships, even ours, and I can’t imagine not having our mature relationship to handle it.

likehelpful

You can't make your partner want a baby. If you're determined to keep it, you better be ready to raise it alone because odds are that's how you'll end up.

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Don’t let him sway your decision because you already know what to do

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The initial post reads “…although deep down I want to keep it.” Are we reading the same thing? I’m really confused by SD1’s response here.

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My son is the result of an unplanned pregnancy and I am on my own raising him. Here if you want to chat. 🤍

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Same - here to chat. For me, it was the most agonizing decision but being alone and raising him has made my life much more meaningful. 💙

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Been there. Had the abortion. Relationship ended.

You have to make a decision that is right for you and your relationship. You will also want to think about how you may feel after going through the procedure itself. At the end of the day, I don’t regret it. The whole thing highlighted a lot about the relationship and our lack of compatibility. That being said, the procedure itself was incredibly traumatizing. I still have moments when it pops into my head and I melt down. It’s been over 10 years.

Whatever you decide to do, talk to a doctor about how they will perform the procedure and make sure you know what to expect going in. I talked to friends who had abortions and they did not have the same trauma. Their teams didn’t put them through some of the things my team did. I also had not realized that I would have had other options.

I hope this reads the way I intend it to. I am not trying to scare you. I’m hoping that you get some information about what this would look like for you and take control of what your experience will be should you decide not to carry. I’m happy to share what I went through but would prefer your permission to share it given the decision you are faced with making.

helpfullikesmart

Dear Manager—I noticed you stated two times that you want to keep your baby. You also said that you would like input on what to do. I’ll be honest with you—do you have any family members or close friends who would talk with you about this? I cannot imagine how difficult this has been for you. The first choice you have is whether to allow the next 7 months of your life to be disrupted to allow this little baby to live. I do personally know several parents who have been waiting to adopt a baby for years, if you wanted to explore that option, I will help you. I spent my whole career in this industry. There is nothing more rewarding or lasting than parenthood. It was and will be hard, but if you want to chose to let this child live, but can’t see doing this on your own or with your partner, there are other options. I am happy to support you in thinking through this. Let me know if that is something you would find helpful. I wish you only the best as you navigate this life changing moment—it will be a part of your life journey from here forward no matter which choice you make.

likefunny

She can always be a parent at a time that is better for her and a husband/partner, vs. doing it now by herself.

likesmart

Follow your heart. I realize that it’s hard given your partners position, but at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. He may or may not choose to be involved in your child’s life, but if you proceed with the pregnancy, you will be making a significant change to your life. And if you proceed with the abortion, you are the person who has to experience the procedure and bear the emotional weight of whatever feelings you have about it. He can choose to distance himself from the abortion or from the pregnancy, but you can’t distance yourself in either scenario. This is YOUR body and YOUR life. He can walk away regardless of outcome, but you can’t.

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You need to do what you believe is the right thing for YOU no matter what he or anyone else says. And make that decision with the perspective of you being the only parent. Do not make it with a maybe or if he chooses to remain in relationship with you or the child. This decision should not be based on him being a dad or not. It's based on your ability to be a parent and deal with a father who may or may not be there. Believe me marriage doesn't mean a husband will be a father either.

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First of all, sending you so many hugs. This is such an emotional rollercoaster and you have some tough decisions to make. Is this partner the person you envisioned having children with? Can you imagine having a baby boy just like him? Raising kids is no walk in the park and you need to go into this decision with the full expectation of being a single parent. Do you have other family to lean on? Having just had a baby with the most supportive husband in the world, it still nearly broke us. Hormones are crazy, the healing after birth is crazy. I had the support of my husband and my mom and 6 Mos maternity leave and I still had post partum depression. Babies are a wonderful thing but be realistic going into this. Be prepared to pay exorbitant amounts for daycare or nanny as well. Say goodbye to your freedom, no more happy hours or dinners out without a baby sitter. Coparenting is hard, my husband and I have different parenting styles and we don't always align. You always have a second opinion now because it took 2 to create this beautiful child. All this said, you can absolutely do this if you are up for it. Do not let anyone convince you out of it if you are absolutely sure about this. Thinking of you sis! You got this!

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I think if he didn’t want a child he wouldn’t ejaculate inside you. So at this point it’s up to whatever you want to do, but understand you just may be doing it alone.

likefunny

I agree with another reviewer that said you would regret the decision and blame your SO later. Abortion is a highly charged, emotional experience and the fact you have feelings to keep the baby very likely means you will regret your decision. However, you must also accept he fact that your SO may well leave you if you keep the baby and you need to be prepared to raise a child by yourself. You could also consider adoption if you decide later in the pregnancy that you changed your mind.

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