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First piece of advice would be not looking for leverage with your wife and maybe trying to see things from her perspective....
I get similar frustrations from my husband that Iâm too âconsultantyâand detached in our personal life (female here). Iâve been trying mindfulness, working out, reconnecting with my family, trying to be empathetic, etc. to not lose my core personality in this job. Have to remind myself to consciously not treat my spouse as a client or peer at work. Itâs hard because certain traits are successful in workplace but donât translate to relationship at all - good luck OP đđ»
Go to couples therapy. Period. Donât wait for things to fester.
Quit.
I have to watch this myself. It is difficult to quickly switch from âwork modeâ to âfamily modeâ as soon as you get off a plane. A couple of things that help me:
1. Exercise, eat right, manage your stress throughout the week.
2. Do not bring work home with you. Donât work on the weekend unless absolutely necessary.
3. Read, watch a tv show, do something other than work on your flight home - make an easy transition.
4. Get some âyouâ time on the weekend. Obviously you want âcouple/spouse/family time but you need to not lose yourself as a person outside of work and family.
5. Ask him or her to help you consciously work on it. You are in this together and they need to know this is something you want to work on. Tell them to call you out and take note when they do!
Hope this helps!
Yeah, my depression has made me a disconnected dick at home.
This job eats people.
PUSHY-- ask her if she wants to do something other than what you suggest, when you suggest plans
INCONSIDERATE---- ask her how "how does that make you feel?" when she talks to you about things she faces. apologize and buy gifts when you mess up.
INFLEXIBLE-- practice being open to her ideas and solutions and seeing how they turn out before assuming yours are better.
SHORT TEMPER-- count to 10 when mad before speaking.
Agreed with the statement âthis job eats peopleâ
Iâve also started to be this way at home. I have a very hard time turning off. My whole day is full of making decisions, telling people what to do, and having to juggle a million things.
What has helped me is taking an hour to myself. Telling my S.O. I get this one hour to myself. I usually try use the calm app and meditate. Iâll turn off my phone for the whole weekend and it has really helped.
Set boundaries, especially on weekends, as to when you check your phone or do work (if at all) or THINK about work. My husband will call me out on this relentlessly as he can tell when I am thinking about work. I would then make a conscious effort to put that out of my mind and I have made some good progress in being able to disconnect.
Something else that has helped me just on an empathy front: imagine if you had a kid or a dog that was hungry and bothering you to be fed. It is not their fault you have work and it would be unreasonable to get mad at them if they insisted on being fed today, not 3 days from now when it is more convenient work-wise, even if you need the job for the money to buy the food. Your wifeâs needs will be subtler but you should think of them as similarly important even if not similarly urgent.
Longer-term: have a real talk about what you each prioritize and how much. Every partner I know says they couldnât do this job without their spouse: not only do you need to have a certain set of career priorities, but they need to share that and be happy with the trade offs they have to make (personally, professionally, etc) to support you in that path for the good of the household. And more money is not everyoneâs definition of âgood for the household."
Compartmentalize between home and work. When home be present and in the moment and focused on your SO. Donât bring home the stress of the day - and donât take out your frustrations on your SO. If there are specific triggers of unhappiness (eg being snappy) work to modify specific behaviors. Yoga helped me a lot but YMMV
Talk to her and ask her how you can address these issues and how you can improve. Even if it takes sitting down and writing down a list. You can find a solution together. You could also try yoga and meditation, but first, identify the cause of this.
Do less at work, be less stressed
Thanks! Helpful! And to be clear, by levers I meant actions I can take. Am not trying to pull any "leverage" of course. Any other ideas on concrete actions you guys/girls have taken?
I havenât dealt with the specific situation but something similar. For me itâs all about time. When I get home, I talk with my wife for an hour with my phone out of sight - often this means Iâm up later getting my shit done WFH. Same with my kids - when I want to watch football on sundays, I go to the playground with them until theyâre sick of it. Etc. time and attention go a long way with the people you love.
Yeah as SC1 says Iâd start with empathy and introspection; to put it in work-like terms, youâve been neglecting to manage your own most important stakeholderâs perceptions. Try to understand why she might perceive the things you do/say the way she is, without passing judgment or making excuses (none of âwell she calls it inflexible but Iâm just saving us time doing it my way because Iâve done this a lot before and I know itâs the best way to do thingsâ, etc.).
Schedule weekend getaways - even 1 overnight stay away from home in a small bnb can make a difference. Just did that this past weekend and I realize I was lesss cranky and less disconnected
Sit down a have a real conversation that lasts several hours where you are actually listening to each otherâs words and understanding the undercurrent of emotions without being judgmental about them. Or pay a counselor to watch you do this
Make a deck and present it to her on why she needs to buy the next stage of your engagement
I feel that would get me counseled out
Couples therapy for sure. It shows youâre taking ownership of everything and then you can do damage control on anything done so far. Also not a bad idea to get a âtune upâ in a relationship