Very Uncomfortable question: my friend of 5 years is getting married… i just received an invite and i learned the wedding venue it is a former slave plantation in SC. Im completely shocked … and i dont know if i should attend :( . Although im not American it makes me very uncomfortable but she is my friend. Should I decline and tell her the real reason?

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To be fair, a LOT of the south used to be plantations that used slave labor…

Unless you’re planning to stop being friends with this person for selecting that venue, whether you attend or not doesn’t stop the plantation / wedding venue from receiving money if that’s your concern.

I’d also be curious if the current owners of the plantation / wedding venue were the same owners (family) of the land in the 1800s.

Ultimately, can’t change history. Refusing to attend a wedding because of the history of the land would prohibit you from going a lot of places (read: all of Europe).

I’d be more interested and concerned if there are indications the current owners are “pro slavery” or not honoring the history of the land in a respectful way that recognizes the painful history and growth.

likesmart

This convo during BHM? Lord, have mercy… you should sell the land to Black families (like the many Black farmers who had their land stolen) and contribute the proceeds to reparations funds or related efforts. Let Black folks determine what to do with the land. This is a serious response, and this would not be “holier than thou”. Given the depravity of what Black Americans endured, this is the least they deserve and if your family is otherwise financially stable, you should part ways with the land.

likefunny

I think you could use your perspective as a foreigner to ask some simple questions.

- your venue looks very beautiful, my understanding is that these were places where slavery was common, is that correct?
- is it typical for weddings to be held at places like this?
- is anything done as part of the ceremony to recognize the history of the place?

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If your friend of five years puts you between an ethical rock and a hard place, I personally don’t think you should have to dance around the issue. By all means approach the conversation in a constructive, compassionate way (for me this would be friendship-ending, but I understand that others might look to navigate the situation without harming the relationship). But with something as serious and values-driven as this, OP should feel free to express the discomfort and disappointment she feels in a direct way, especially if she is hoping to receive direct answers.

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I went to a southern plantation wedding and I'll tell you even though the occasion and venue was "beautiful", it had an air of creepiness. It did not pass my vibes check. You could literally feel negative energy in the air and on the property. As the night went on, and people got drunk, the subtle racism also came out, especially in the staff. The handful of minorities there were watched like a hawk and we even got "kindly" asked to leave for being too disruptive when there were clearly ppl wayyy more drunk than we were. Essentially missed the after party because of this. Obviously did not try to ruin the bride and grooms night but when they asked why the few of us missed the after party, we all sort of looked at each other like yea we weren't wanted. Not by you but by venue staff.

likehelpfulfunny

I question the moral compass, empathy and
Integrity of anyone still holding weddings at plantations.

It’s beyond ignorant and disrespectful to hold weddings at plantations. No amount of “honoring the past” or “moments of silence” can cover the history. Plantations that still belong to descendants of slave owners are even worse.

OP, you are in no way in the wrong to decline, tell her the reason, and ask her if she’s considered the implications of having the wedding there.

likehelpful

This.

Idk the right solution here but just came to say yikes. Is said friend white?

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Yea she is

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Ugh sorry you’re in this situation. Can you do some quick research into the venue and see who the owners are? I’ve read that it’s not uncommon for black people to buy former plantations to reshape the terrible history behind the place.

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🤢

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Well, then we Europeans couldn’t have wedding parties in old castles because we can be pretty sure that serfdom was common there at some point in time. In my mind, almost any historical building has seen practices that aren’t morally acceptable today - be it serfdom, slavery, incarceration or simply oppression of women.
Shouldn’t we focus on giving these historical buildings a positive meaning today?

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Thanks you Partner 1 for acknowledging that these situations are different. I’m not American myself so don’t claim to understand the depth of trauma, but being Black I know I wouldn’t feel right in such a place and would never go.

Once I was visiting a friend in the South when I showed up at a church on Sunday morning. It’s tradition for me to go to church l so I looked up the closest one and walked there. The stares I got from adults and children alike, the looks of extreme bewilderment, confusion, and commotion. It was very evident within one minute of being there that this was a “White people only” space. That is when, for the first time as a Black immigrant, it sunk in the history of slavery and segregation in this country. And it happened in a church. Up to that point churches for me were safe havens, the most welcoming places I’d been. This church was right adjacent to a college campus that was diverse. I still to this day wonder how it is that they kept such a segregated White only congregation. Nostalgia over the glory days of plantations (a la gone with the wind) still very much exists on some of these properties.

likehelpful

This is a tough situation. As someone who recently got married in the south, we had a strict no plantation rule when picking out a venue.

How close are you to this friend? It’s perfectly reasonable to not want to go to a wedding at a plantation. Just be mentally prepared that it may permanently fracture your friendship.

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Send regrets and a lovely gift and take her and her husband out for a nice dinner next time you are together.

likesmart

Don't go, tell your friend you think she's a racist and had no idea over these 5 years how horid a person she is. That she's supporting slavery by getting married on a former plantation. Petition the government to make all plantations in SC historical areas. Go big. This isn't about a wedding, this is about your strong convictions and beliefs, drive those home and make a real change! Show your friend the power of the difference you can make through your passion for history

Or....

If she's your friend, just check with her your concerns, if you aren't happy with her responses and want to end the friendship, that's fine. In the end, it's on you to attend and be comfortable, either embrace the history of the place and look ahead to the beauty or dwell in what it once was without any opportunity to change

The history of the world is dark, we can't change it, just make it better

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Dont go. No reason needed.

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I would just politely decline and offer to celebrate at another time. Unless you want to end the friendship now I wouldn’t bother asking about her choice or explaining why. After she has had time to celebrate and enjoy her day, I would then approach the topic and ask her her thoughts on it.

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To be completely honest, at this point there really isn’t an excuse to have your wedding at a plantation. I don’t think I’d be able to go.

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As a black person it’s weird people have wedding here. Like people were raped, tortured, beaten, murdered on plantations. People are also buried on plantations many people in my family were. It’s such a dark space to me. It’s like getting married at a cemetery. Cemeteries can be beautiful in some places but it’s dark.

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Just read this piece from 2020 and found it very illuminating. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/17/style/despite-everything-people-still-have-weddings-at-plantation-sites.html?referringSource=articleShare

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Archive.is is your friend

helpful

Or you could appreciate the progress our society has made and how that land is no longer used in the manner it used to be and now is a place that ANYONE can visit and enjoy for the beauty. Moving forward is not erasing or ignoring the past, but bettering the future.

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D3 would you have a wedding at Auschwitz? Elmina Castle?

I’m an advocate for keeping plantations open, not destroying them / building over them but I think it’s very important that we highlight how brutal and barbaric living there was for slaves, especially since the horrors of slavery are often glossed over when taught in schools and the conditions people lived and worked in. It’s inappropriate to have a wedding there, full stop.

Which plantation?

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