Veteran or long time teachers: what helped you become more confident talking to parents and being honest with them? 1st year teacher and I'm being too people pleaser-y with the parents of the students in my class because I'm afraid they'll dislike me or complain about me to admin. It makes things complicated and awkward when I need to discuss a behavior problem with them. How can I get over this and find a balance between friendly and authoritative?

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This can be tough, but you have to stop worrying about whether or not they like you and just maintain the relationship you need to have with them to teach their child to the best of your ability. Even if that means sometimes telling them things they don't want to hear or don't want to believe. I recommend you read The Courage to Be Disliked by Fumitake Koga and Ichiro Kishimi. It's a great book on this topic!

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Great book! Very liberating.

I find that if I come from the perspective of wanting what is best for the student and what they need, parents are a lot nicer! I also make sure to call all my parents the first month of school and share one positive thing! I typically rotate through the kids sending one parent a positive message about their child every week quickly in our messaging app! Helps a tonnnnnnn when I eventually have a behavior issue and have to call!

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I had the same problems when I was a younger, newer teacher. Confidence will grow with your experience on the job, and as you teach younger siblings of your current students. It really helped once I became a mother and they knew I had kids in the district (skin in the game), but there are plenty of experienced teachers without their own children who gained confidence with age and work experience.

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Document, document, document. Have facts, examples and data to back up everything! Also, have the child reflect upon their own behavior (reflection/think sheet, letter home). I also call the parent ON THE SPOT, if the behavior is awful. “Hello Ms. Adam’s, I’m sorry to call, but Timmy is having a hard time following directions and could use some encouragement. If his behavior isn’t turned around he will be sent to the office.” 9 times outta 10 this works! I also hand the phone to the child to state exactly what they did! Also, follow through with what you say! If you are going call home, make sure you do it. Kids watch everything. Parents will respect you for being honest.

If a child has behavior issues believe me, they parents already know!!

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What helped me when I was a first year teacher (sixth grade, self-contained classroom, mostly regular ed) was establishing a relationship with parents BEFORE the misbehavior set it. That helped me when I needed to get the parents on my side as a team to help their kid break some bad habits. By showing interest in them and their kid from the get-go, they were pretty receptive. Fortunately I had a lot more time and energy back then! I attended sporting events and other community things they were in when possible. With experience, you'll find that line. I'm a people pleaser (I became a school librarian and now my job is basically about making people happy!) so I totally get that sick feeling you get when you sense someone doesn't like you. Good luck! It does get easier.

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Something to remember. You can't build equity with all parents. Many will come to trust you over the course of a year or multiple years, this will cause them to approach situations with you fairly. Some parents are "in the moment" parents always. Meaning regardless of how well you handled something in the past, they will overreact to whatever is happening in the moment. These to me are the toughest to learn to handle and the hardest on confidence.

Start off by building relationships with your parents with positive phone calls home! Don’t make assumptions about parents ahead of time. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they want what’s best for their child. Parents are children’s first teachers, so let them know that you are a team! If kids know there is communication between parents and teachers and consequences at home for behavior at school, you will see positive changes!

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I call my parents with a positive thing the first couple of weeks. Establishing that rapport makes it easier to talk to them when a bad thing happens.

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All the advice to get positive calls in quickly is good. It is also always important to keep the framing of negative behavior calls positive: trying to figure out a solution that will support the student, not just complaining.

But also keep in mind, most parents really want to know what is going on with their kids at school, even if it isn't all positive. In fact, I think I more often see anger from parents who find out about issues later on that they weren't told about, than parents who are upset about getting behavior calls.

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If you have a great relationship with you principal and can trust him/her, seek advice from them.

Have a script you follow…Hello this is Ms Smith from Abc school, I teach Johnny Art. Today we had an issue that I need your help with. (describe the behavior only). After you say what you need to say you will hear how they receive it. If they don’t believe you just make sure you document it. If it continues refer the student. You did what you needed to do.

Document, document, document. Have facts, examples and data to back up everything! Also, have the child reflect upon their own behavior (reflection/think sheet, letter home). I also call the parent ON THE SPOT, if the behavior is awful. “Hello Ms. Adam’s, I’m sorry to call, but Timmy is having a hard time following directions and could use some encouragement. If his behavior isn’t turned around he will be sent to the office.” 9 times outta 10 this works! I also hand the phone to the child to state exactly what they did! Also, follow through with what you say! If you are going call home, make sure you do it. Kids watch everything. Parents will respect you for being honest.

If a child has behavior issues believe me, they parents already know!!

I think the biggest a-ha moments for me was realizing it’s the child’s choice to not listen or follow directions. I am not responsible for what they choose to do. It is my job to share with the parents the good and bad about them. Many times when I thought the parent was going to yell at me., they have actually thanked me. They are seeing the behavior at home and its why they sent the child to school. Take the plunge. Be real, honest and genuine.

You're a preschool teacher, so I'm not sure why you are worried your too soft with the parents. It's not like you have some serious standards you need to teach. Always a good idea to make the parents happy, when they ask for reasonable things.

I wouldn’t be dismissive of preschool teachers, who absolutely DO have state mandated guidelines that they are required to teach.

Building positive and productive relationships with parents at the preschool level is so important because they lay the foundation for everything to come as students learn to become responsible people and good citizens. Furthermore, setting up expectations for students and parents at the preschool level will help lay the groundwork of their relationship with school for years to come.

Everyone has their own experiences and opinions about school and teachers based on their personal experiences, many which may not be positive. As these people have their own children and send them to school for the first time, this baggage comes with them. It is the very important role of the preschool teacher to get parents on board, building positive and supportive relationships with teachers that will hopefully continue throughout the rest of their time in school!

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