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Chiming in, first for context, then the punchline, followed by a recommendation, and then a leave behind: I have two kids with a third on the way. Wife is an executive and very capable of building/managing her own career. She is essentially a single working mom when I am traveling. Kids started going to daycare when they were 3-4 months old. Oldest is 7 now. We don't have extra help with taking care of the kids.
The punchline: I offered to quit and find a local job. She offered to give single working mom lifestyle a try. So we gave it a try. We check in on the topic every 4 months or so. Tough at times but holding up well. I think knowing that I am willing to quit and get off the road the moment it becomes too hard is in itself a reassuring.
Recommendation: Get regular housekeeping service if you don't already have it. Do it. One every other week is what I do. Prevents small issues from becoming big ones. Do it especially when you have kids.
Leave behind: D1. Fuck off. We get it. Me too. Sorry you were wronged in life. Best thing folks on this thread have done is to respond in context whether they are the traveling husband, the traveling wife, or the not-traveling spouse. No need to provoke an argument. Chill out. Go get laid with whatever LGBTQ+/- human, non-human, living or not-living stationary or electrified means suit you. God bless you. (See what I did there with religion? That disregard was intentional. Ha.)
The point is to have them come when you are not there. Get referrals from friends so you can trust them. Or use a bonded service. And it might be worth a nanny cam. You can get to know them pretty quickly. And it is truly a life saver.
OP, yes, it is manageable to support your wife, raise healthy, happy kids, and have a career in consulting. I have done it. It requires open, direct conversation with your wife, compromise by both of you, ruthless prioritization in your life, and a bit of sacrifice on your part.
My wife is a professional and had a good career when we had kids. I was a manager and was doing fairly well. We discussed the pros and cons of each of us staying home and decided she would drop to part-time. She didn’t want to quit because she didn’t want to lose the mental stimulation she got from her work. My career trajectory was much steeper and would lead to a higher income long-term.
A few things that made this work:
- We agreed to track nights away from home every week and agreed that 3 nights a week on average was the doable limit over the longer term and 2 would be better if possible. A night away from home was defined (by her) as any night I wasn’t home by bath time for the kids (8pm). Even if I was on a local project, if I worked late, it counted as a night away
- We outsourced the unimportant stuff. House cleaning, laundry, snow removal services were critical. If I had it to do over again, I would have arranged for a few prepped dinners every week. I had plumbers, electricians, and handymen on speed-dial. And even hired a car service to drive my wife and kids somewhere if logistics got screwed up. This was before Uber...
- Kids went to day care at 6 months when she returned from maternity. I believe they were better for it as they learned early socialization and caught every illness that went through town
- Since she handled pretty much everything when I was traveling, I took over for weekends. That meant I was up early with the kids and got them out of the house so she could sleep in or go have some free time. I cooked dinner every night I was in town and did all the grocery shopping and frequently the laundry
- For work I made a bunch of choices. I took projects that gave me a little flexibility even though it might slow me down a little bit on trajectory or not be in my area of interest. Probably delayed my promotion a few years. I was ruthless about my schedule. When I was in town, I was out the door at 5pm and made sure my partners and teams knew it. I was unavailable until 9pm when the kids went to bed. Then I’d be back online for 3-5 hours to work. I chose early morning flights rather than night before, took red eyes if I needed to do so. I worked long hours when I was out of town. Used FaceTime when it got invented to stay in touch on the road. Sometimes had to block time during the day to call home and help the kids with homework
- I spent as much time as possible with my family when I wasn’t at work. Stopped playing golf, didn’t do weekends with the guys, didn’t pursue special hobbies. I believe that it’s not volume of time but the quality of time with them. When I was with them, I was 100% present. I did things with them or with my wife without email. Read a lot of books late at night after my wife was asleep. Mostly gave up the idea of lots of sleep
- When the kids got older, I was more senior and had more flexibility. I never missed a birthday, holiday, or major school event. I made the vast majority of sporting events, even if it meant flying home and taking a redeye back. The kids noticed and it meant a lot to them. And to my wife
- Now that kids are in or out of college, my wife and I have the time to do more together and pursue other interests and hobbies. The kids enjoy hanging out with us and have turned out great themselves
So it is doable. It was hard work, hard for my wife, and hard on me. It wasn’t always perfect. My wife and I did argue at times, but we worked it out. She worked part-time throughout the years and has stayed at that level even now because she likes having her own time. We are much closer now and don’t regret it overall. In the net, it was worth it for us.
Thank you for sharing this. This general thread irritates me (as a woman) because it really doesn’t take into account two high performers/consultants in a relationship and how you make that work. So many of these comments are guys who are only willing to flex so much for their wives. Hearing your wife was a professional but stepped down to part time and that you guys made these (difficult and ruthless but necessary) decisions together is something I can appreciate. I really hope lots of the cynical and inflexible dudes on this thread read your comments and man up to make similar sacrifices/compromises for their own wives and families and have similar discussions.
My wife, who wants kids, told me she’d rather not have them if she’s going to be “a single mom several days a week.” I’m in consulting deep at this point and I don’t see a way I won’t be traveling - I don’t know WTF I’m gonna do myself.
I am not the OP. A female sharing the same comment I heard from my husband
My husband was completely unsupportive if travel and forced me to quit. Our marriage ended in a horribly toxic way and I’m still clawing my way back to the same trajectory that I would have been on without the career interruption.
The only reason I recount this in such a dramatic way is that being on the same page is tremendously important no matter which person’s career is being discussed. You bring up a good point and it can be a deal-breaker.
My husband was less educated and less resourceful but he still felt the need to take my career down with the rest of his insecurities.
This is unfortunately such a gendered issues. Many fewer wives would make travel a dealbreaker. Sorry you went through that. Hope if you find another guy they are feminist enough to be supportive of your career, including travel.
I am a woman consultant. My husband is also a consultant but doesn’t travel. He doesn’t want me travelling even during pregnancy. I get it. He wants me to be close to share the experience. My firm offers no local projects. Looking like I’ll have to leave before even starting to try for kids. I’m ok with that because family is the most important thing to me, and I’m excited for what that next chapter and challenge will hold! Maybe some day I’ll go back to consulting, but I just see it as all part of an adventure. I’m fortunate enough to know I’ll be able to find other employment that will offer me different kinds of opportunities and challenges. Focus on what you stand to gain, not lose. That mindset has changed everything for me.
Good luck OP!! Wish you the best.
Mom of 2 here and long-time consultant. Hubby and I agreed before we had kids what the plan was, which was key. The only “right” answer is the one you are both on the same page about. I work and travel and love my job. He stays at home and loves it. We are an awesome team and have happy, healthy kids. Good luck!!
No kids yet, and I’m in my late 20s so take this with a grain of salt, but my wife wants me to not work such an intensive job when we have kids. I don’t advise this, and I know this comes across as horrible, but you only get 1 life: I value my career/life goals over having kids right now, and she can leave if that doesn’t work for her. I always told her when we dated years ago, if she ever felt that I was holding her back from something she really wanted, and if she felt she would resent me for not letting live the life she wanted, she should leave me. I feel if you’re not on the same page for each other’s personal life goals, it ain’t gonna work, someone is going to have resentment on their deathbed. Obviously when kids come into play, your personal goals change, but it should be to support your kid, not Bc your spouse arbitrarily thinks you should. For me, I plan to work as hard as I can over the next 1.5 decades to provide the best possible life, not just for my kids, but for my great grandchildren too, and I’m not going to jeopardize that for my wife
There’s no guarantee that she’ll be my wife forever, as much as I’d love her to be. If something were to happen, I don’t want to end up like some of the people I see who desperately try to catch up to where they wanted to be in the first place, but they felt obligated to stop everything for their spouse
Very well said and so true.
So apparently I still live in the 1960s. I have a stay at home spouse and two kids. My spouse hates it when I travel. Luckily I have been able to be remote or local for the last year which has helped. What I found works is never discount the work your spouse does, in fact it is much more difficult then what most of us do. So support your spouse anyway you can. Be present as much as possible, take all your PTO and get help when needed, we still send our oldest to day care in order to allow for my spouse to have a break and call on grandparents as needed. We are also aligned on priorities, my travel and job allow us to have the nice things we have and her work allows me to focus on my career. All this being said, the moment travel becomes too much, I will leave consulting in a heartbeat.
In my situation we have 2 young kids, when our first child was born I travelled and my wife had a corporate job with some flexibility and pretty good work life balance. Quite honestly it was manageable at that point in time and we were supportive of each others careers.
When our second child was born that really made this consultant / travel lifestyle very hard because both of us were working. Yeah having both incomes was great BUT we also spent much more outsourcing everything and the stress level for my wife and I was not sustainable.So we knew we had to make a change.
My wife has always had the entrepreneurial drive so we decided for her to quit her corporate job, spend more time with the kids while she starts her own business. A year into it and its been the best decision we have made for the family, kids get plenty of family time even though they still attend daycare, business is steadily growing and I’m thankful my consulting career provides us enough $ to make this possible.
Now are goal is to grow the business to the point where I can join her full time once its financially feasible.
It all sounds nice, but I’ll admit it has been very challenging for us so I completely understand why one person asks the other to stop traveling. Consulting is a challenging career but in my opinion the person who doesn’t travel and stays back with the kids has it much harder.
My husband and I have managed two big careers and two kids and lots of travel as well as living in two countries at once. The kids are nearly teenagers now. They speak 2+ languages and are confident travelers. Hubby and I met during our MBA and are very egalitarian. We support each other and take turns being the primary parent as our careers go up and down. Life evolves and our family setup changes often. We think of it as a marathon not a sprint. He’s a 100% amazing dad and husband. I feel very lucky. 😍
My fiancé brought up the same topic few days ago. Even though she wants to stop working once we have kids, but still she would like me to stop traveling which I respect and agree with her.
If you don’t feel you’re ready to stop consulting, I’d suggest you both to find the happy medium.
Yes!!! We are very 1960 youngish couple
Well said. Can’t buy back lost time and family shared memories with any amount of money.
I'm a woman consultant and my husband became a stay at home dad when I started traveling. We had a 4 year old and 2 year old twins at that time.
We didn't stay aligned on our expectations and we are still married but have struggled way too much. Set expectations - will she work? full time? part time? when kids go to school? Keeping aligned will make it work.
As the product of a traveling consultant Dad and a stay at home mom I can tell you that it’s extremely hard on the parent at home. They are the good cop the bad cop the one who cooks cleans drives everywhere. It’s an unfair burden unless you’re going to a) pay for help as mentioned above b) be extremely involved on the weekends with the kids. Give her a break and spend as much time as possible.
Also the less you’re in your kids lives the less you’ll be in their drawings. My dad finally gave up traveling when he saw I story I wrote about my family in 3rd grade which was really just about me and my mom.
My first wife was very insecure and self destructive, things ended because I hit my k thanks bye level. I was immature and she was as well.
My new Wife (new as in 8 years) is a former road warrior and occasionally suggests I do AWT instead of the cross country flight every week.
Understanding the life and the expectations is quite important.
Travel is awesome with kids - I just play with them on weekends
My fiancé and I are getting married soon! Inevitably this topic has come up. She is supportive of me traveling now and even to some extent when we have kids, but I am peacin’ out of consulting as soon as we do. I definitely want to be home every night.
This is one of the most rich and interesting conversations I’ve seen in ages. Thanks OP.
You bet! Glad everyone is enjoying the dialogue
Leave consulting if you want to have have kids AND stay married.
Its just delaying the inevitable, otherwise.
I was part of a team two years ago that had a divorced SC a divorced SM. there was an M who had little kids and a year from there the M got divorced too. There was Just one SC remaining on that team who was married and last I checked he still is but his wife had clearly told him that this cannot be a long term career.
Have the kids first. Your spouse and you are stressing out about something that may not happen when you expect it and the way you expect it. You might be ready for something different then, or the spouse might have a change of perspective, the economy could shift and force you into other choices, your priorities might change. It’s life.
Good points. Appreciate the perspective
I don’t have kids but I grew up with a father who travelled a lot and my mom stayed at home. I think it did drive my mother crazy having 3 small girls and a husband on the road but she’s also bipolar so there was that too. When my parents divorced I transferred sole custody to my dad and my last 2 years of high school he was in Asia every other month for at least 2 weeks at a time and I lived at home alone. Even though my Dad was gone a lot the most important thing was that he was always available if I needed or wanted to talk to him. He placed a lot of trust and respect in me and I took that seriously. When I left for college my sophomore year he walked out of a meeting to say goodbye to me. These are some things I’ll never forget. To me it was always the quality of interactions with my Dad that counted. When he was home we spent a lot of one on one time together (I’m the youngest and my sisters we’re at college) and I think I’ve
mostly turned out all right 🤷♀️
Very helpful to hear from that perspective. Thank you.