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We are about a year into having a kid and my wife is on the verge of a nervous breakdown 24/7. We’ve been together ten years and I’ve never seen her like this. I don’t know what to do...

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My wife was the same way with our first. Trying to be a perfect mom and freaking out over every little thing. After the second, the kids won and she stopped worrying so much at let go a bit. We have three now and she’s fine, comfortable and not stressed anymore. I think first time moms try so hard with the first baby worrying so much about everything. If you can swing it, having someone come four hours a day so she can get a break really helps. The first two years are really hard, but after that, it gets much easier....hang in there...

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Sleep (and lack thereof) is the most important thing to your mental well being that you never give a second thought to before having children. Not having enough of it warps the way you see and think in crazy ways. Make sure you're taking care of yourselves. I just went through this myself, and it's hard but you can make it through it.

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Couple of agreeing points here: 1) Mine son is 3.5 years old. It does get easier. And 2) Get some extra help if you can afford it. We’re fortunate in being a high dual income household. But maintaining that means a lot of work. So, we had a nanny out of necessity (just during the day) from 4 months to nearly three years old. Nevertheless, I think we would have lost our minds if we didn’t have the help. I think the smart move at this point is to get just a little bit of help from an extra pair of hands. Offload some of that round the clock responsibility, and you’ll start feeling more like yourself. Find yourselves again. You can’t lose yourself in your kids. You’ll forget why you loved each other and yourselves.

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First year is the toughest. Good news it’s gets a lot better(I have a 2.5 year old) A couple of recommendations, when you are there on the weekends take the kid and give your wife some personal time. This was helpful for me when I was traveling a ton so that my wife didn’t feel like she was alone in the chaos and she could be herself. A simple push for her to get a mani/pedi while you handle things goes a long way. Second- you have to make time for couples night, it’s tough in the beginning but you need to keep the marital bond strong. Hope you have a good babysitter/ pretty easy to find one for even a few hours one night. It’s worth the money.

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Thank you all. Even talking to her and sharing your responses has been helpful. I think she really needs to know that we aren’t the first or only couple to have these issues.

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... we are a single income family in NYC so the pressure on me to not fuck things up at work is huge. I’m a very, very involved dad and I’m running ragged myself. The pressure she puts on herself for everything to be perfect is just impossible. She’s not doing well and in turn our family isn’t. I don’t know what I can do more than I’m doing now.

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My wife is 6 months with our first so I'm right behind you. I'm in this crazy business but my wife is in corporate pharma on the education side, and is a perfectionist as well. The few thing we've accepted however is that home life will be a mess, things will be clean but things will be messy, the cool factor of our home decor will get trumped by the kid factor of the new arrival, we make time for our family, each other and work with the friends dept taking a huge hit. This may all sound naive before the baby arrives, but maybe help your wife understand that there's no such thing as perfect and trying to preserve an old life with a new reality is just subjecting herself to a hella tonne of unnecessary stress. Good luck dad, right behind you.

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Our daughter is about to turn 2, it definitely gets easier. I never truly knew what "not enough hours in the day" meant before she came barreling into the world! 100% agree with US HOS 1, help her get out of the house and do something for herself on the weekend, and the one on one time for you with the kiddo is crucial. And, can't stress the importance of even the occasional date night. You realize how infrequently you talk as two adults who love each other and that there was life before kids. So important to have those moments to reconnect as a couple. Hang in there, it's a wild ride but will get better soon.

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We went through the exact same thing, and the truth is that no matter how hard you work, in her eyes, you’re not doing as much as her. We got through it. - if you can afford help, get some, even if it’s a mother’s helper for a few hours a week - schedule time with her and her friends - schedule play dates with other kids so she can interact with other adults - be super dad on weekends - most importantly, tell her you understand why she’s struggling, ask her to communicate what you can do to help, then shut up and do it

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Can totally relate. Single income fam here too. The fist year is the hardest. Working from home everyone in a while helped. And taking time off just to be home too. Tough though ‘cause yeah: you don’t want to f-up at work. Do your best. Make her feel like your priority. Hold on. My wife was all about suddenly wanting to go back to work around the 8m mark... but then the kid gets easier to manage. Now she wants a second one!

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I was also in similar situation. After our first child my wife had panic episodes... the birthing process really takes its toll on women, physically and mentally. I don't know what your wife's situation is OP, but it might be worth it to talk to a professional. We found out that so many women go through postpartum issues due to hormones being shifted during pregnancy. It was really tough trying to be a parent and dealing with the postpartum stuff BUT it gets better, with due time things get back to normal. What we all go through is completely normal. We have two kids now and the second time around the whole process (during and post) was way easier, fortunately. Best of luck to you and your wife!

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Been in the very same place. My wife had really bad post natal depression. Now is the time to lean on family even if it means your mother in law comes to stay for a while. It gets better as the kids get older.

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Talking to others, friends, moms, a professional are all helpful. Seriously, if she is depressed, there is medication that could help short term while you get through the rough patch

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Yeah - we are lucky that our kid is a good sleeper, it my wife would rather stay up until midnight wiping counters down or folding laundry than sleep at all. She’s never been like this until we had a kid.

My wife was the same way. Now she admits it was probably untreated post partem. If you can afford to get her childcare help, do it. If not, be Superman and do as much as possible so she can disconnect from the kid

It may be partially due to postpartum, which is nothing to scoff at. She may want to talk to someone

It is honestly probably postpartum depression. It is very taboo and there is a real stigma around it and a lot of pressure for women to be a perfect new mom. If there was a c-section or difficulty breast feeding or anything that didn’t go to plan and made your wife feel inadequate when comparing herself to other women it could compound the problem. Get her off social media! If she had a career before the baby and now you are the sole breadwinner that could add a lot of pressure on her to feel like she needs to be the perfect “house wife”...this isn’t the 1950’s. Let her know that you think she’s doing a great job and you don’t expect her to prove herself in any way, that her happiness and her dedication to raising your infant child is her only responsibility. It can sometimes be frustrating to work crazy hours and come home to a disaster scene, but keep it lite and keep a smile.

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